i miss you and your quirks.



but i'm probably just inventing the whole shazam within my brain.

it's just been 2 days for chrissakes. grow up.

toothache. cracked voice. sore throat. not sure if i have fever.



general malaise.



ugh. i want my kid days back. when i could just sleep all day until the ill feelings pass...



it would be nice if someone would take care of me... so i could simply forget my adult status even for a while, and be able to fully rest...



i'm just so tired, sick or not...

1 week. I will not be seeing you for a week.

It'll be one of the longest weeks of my life. Save the deadlines shouting sparta at me. Even now.

And i totally forgot that boss needs the extra xmas thingees. I AM tired. Jesus christ what a failure.

Anyway. Im still happy that some were picked up. Not the trees, but it's still something. And they liked the colors.

More than anything though... im gonna miss you. Do take care, you awkward, cute dork.

I am so fucking hopeless.

I'm only ever waiting for you... ridiculous as it seems...

*sigh* ...

I feel... useless and... hopeless... worthless... i feel that i'm not really needed... that i have nothing to give... i know that... no that's pretentious. I know though that i do deserve some good things, but i don't dare to demand them. I don't want to accidentally push my limits... if it's for me, then it's for me. No one else will take it because it will automatically come to me.

But people don't work that way. I talk of people like they're inanimate lol. But yea, people.. have minds and reasoning ability... there's a variety of responses that you could meet and choose from, from different people in the sane situations.

You are no different. I am afraid to introduce "this" situation to you, for fear that you might flee as response to it...

yung gusto mo lang ng masasandalan saka makakakita at makakaintindi ng kung anong nararamdaman mo ngayon. konting yakap lang, ok na. basta alam mong nandyan sya at pwede kang sumandal sa kanya sa mga panahong mahina ka. yung kahit di ka magsalita e nakikita nyang may pinagdadaanan ka. na naiistress ka. kahit sa maliit na dahilan lang. tapos aakbayan ka nya.

yun lang naman sana. konting ganoon lang. konting malasakit sana. gusto ko lang yun maramdaman.

sana ikaw ang gumawa nun.

sana may makaintindi sa hinahanap ko. sana maintindihan mo. sana nakikita mo kahit halos araw-araw tayong nagkikita pero di kita nakakausap.

gusto ko lang sana na may sumalba sakin. kahit minsan lang. hindi naman palagi. ayoko rin naman kasing maging pabigat kahit kanino. pabigat na nga ako as is, kapal ko naman kung sadyain ko pang dagdagan. pero syempre, lahat ng tao may mga oras na sobrang nanlulumo sila. sobrang lungkot.

siguro sasabihin ng iba na parang, wala yan, mas mabigat dyan yung pinagdadaanan ko. eh, okay, problema mo na yun, problema ko rin to. di ko naman to dadamdamin kung wala lang 'to. mababaw na kung mababaw para sayo, pero ganun talaga. kahit gaano pa kababaw yan, dumadating din yung oras na pag sobrang tagal mo nang dinadala yung... problema? yung sitwasyon? eh... mapapagod ka rin.

sana mabasa mo to para maintindihan mo na kahit mukha akong masaya at tatanga-tanga sa totoong buhay, meron parin akong pakiramdam. mas pinipili ko lang na itago kung ano yung pinoproblema o nararamdaman ko, o yung hinahanap ko, kasi nga ayaw kong maging sagabal at pabigat sayo...

i should start conditioning myself to stop thinking about you...



there's just no way it could happen the way i imagine it would.



there's no other, better love than one that grew mutually. and i have had a glimpse of that love, and nothing else can compare. no other development can compare.



and i feel like i'm the most... off-putting, horrible, unattractive person in the world. although that is quite contrary to the glimpses i get when i'm in public places. i'm not saying that i'm striking or beautiful, just that i do get glimpses, and i guess that's a normal thing. i guess it's a normal thing for all girls, everyone can get glimpses sometimes, for varying reasons. but that it's not you... feels like i do not have enough beauty, wits, character, or... self, to make you see me. make you feel that i'm there.



i try to put up a strong facade when i can. a confident facade. but that's just a facade. i have a longing for acceptance. no, not just acceptance. i have a longing for acceptance and the feeling that i am needed, by someone who has learned to see who i am, as is. this boring, sickly, negative half-girl-half-woman, who has not yet found her proper calling, who feels like a goddamn coward, who is either rebellious or just a brat, and is tired of the everyday control she has to bear... if anyone can learn to accept and love this person, i don't know if i can love them back. i still live in my romantic dreamland, and it isn't even the total fairytale sort, but i do yearn for something like it. i keep wishing that you would help me fulfill that dream, but so far... nothing. and it feels incredibly... pathetic of me, that i still keep yearning for you even though all signs point towards the opposite road...

I wish you were more attractive.

Hahahahha.

Jesus christ that really hit the mark.

i should not believe anything until i see something concrete...



i should not think of something if there is not confirmation...



i should not expect anything unless it is directly being given to me...



all this, i should not wait for, expect, from you.



we are not mutual, as far as events show, as far as treatment seems, as far as things are going. or not going, for that matter.



i should not expect you to care...

Yung gusto mo nalang magtago sa kung saan mang lugar na di ka mahahanap kasi feeling mo sobrang left out at kakaiba at slow ka.

At the same time, naghahanap ka ng makakaintindi sayo.

I really need you now...