i'm (probably) just reading into this too much. waaaaay way much.



my imagination really will be the death of me.



it's hard not to assume anything when a person has made a mark on you. if someone else does the same thing, it will be of no meaning. but if it's you, it suddenly feels special and different.



biases. ugh. driving me nuts.



i don't want to hope for anything anymore. it's just going to break my heart.

i didn't know you got off work early. i was wondering why you were so quiet. haha.



but i know that my office friend likes you. of course she can't be showy about it, being married and all, but i'm sure about it.



and... it makes me feel insecure about myself. haha. i think maybe she has more chances with you than i will ever have. she's fun and flirty and boisterous. i'm like, exact opposite lol. i'm not even approachable to strangers when circumstances don't call for it.



pfeh. i'm just boring like that.

I don't want to hope for you anymore but I can't help it. I keep wishing to see you where I am. I keep thinking of what you would do in my position. I keep thinking of what we would look like in certain occasions, like if we went to see a movie together, eat out together, go to one of your formal family events together, or just plain driving home from a convention together, talking about serious stuff, playful stuff, laugh out loud stuff and laughing til we pretty much turn blue. I keep wishing to sit in a cafe, with you, letting our coffees either turn cold or turn room temp, doing our computer and paper works, trying to lift each other's spirits up when a sigh escapes from one of us. I keep dreaming of sitting somewhere and just being with you, discussing anything that might pass our brains, your arm around my shoulders. I guess I'm looking for someone who might appreciate me and learn to respect me, and at the same time, someone who I might deem to be deserving of the respect and admiration returned. Am I choosy? Yes, quite. I even have biases. But what use would being together be if not to be productive and positive? Anything else would be suicide.

only a little less than 4mos more until this rounds out to a year.



i've been keeping my feelings a secret for 8mos+ now.



no one else can know. especially in the office. it would be drastic.



at the same time, it is pathetic to think that, 9mos, and still nothing. no strength to speak of it. no gall. so, no progress. no regress. no nothing. just a static noise, a background hum to my ongoing life. i'm kind of hoping he notices it, but at the same time, i'm afraid of him noticing it.



it might not be possible, i mean i'm pretty sure now that it isn't, but i still l



why do i pause whenever i'm thinking of typing out "love"



maybe i'm too scared to put any of this in writing. maybe it's not yet as ripe for the picking as i think it is.



but still, he is precious to me.

I wish you would also worry about me sometimes...

Good night, love.

Im only ever waiting for you...
I feel so desperate but also so hopeless.
But i'll keep waiting.

:(

What should i do? Why is it not mutual?

Why are you not there...?

Why don't you like me?

Ehh. That's not really a question.

I wish you do though.

Because this is really frustrating. And maddening. And depressing.

Sigh. :(

How do you translate feelings like this.

I love you but i have to keep myself from... being showy? From telling you. From letting you know. I just don't think it's appropriate. There is too much to risk losing. Including you.

Then again, it's not like you were, or will ever be, mine. Sad truth.

I wonder if i'll still think this way when i'm informed of a looming death date.

Gawds.

I want to facepalm myself. Slap, in other words.

Wake up you little idiot.

It can't be anything.

Don't dream of it.

You loving him is the wrongest of all wrongs.

Is wrongest even a word rofl. Sounds like it is, right now.

Your feelings are just emphasizing your loneliness.

But you shouldn't expect him to take up that missing piece. There are hardly any signs that things could lead to that.

You miss him so much though. His presence alone is enough to raise your spirits. And it's so pathetic that you feel that way over someone who doesn't seem to be reciprocating your feelings.

And it's hard to tell your fears and doubts to anyone because... you are in a much lower plane of confidence. Or maybe you just don't trust yourself enough to keep it together. It feels like withdrawal is your go-to choice all the time.

You cannot hide your weaknesses forever, or use them as your strengths. They still are your weaknesses after all. Hurt is hurt, and naivity is naivity, and that can't be simply changed. You love him for all the uncertain reasons you create in your head.

You wish that you will be justified...