I miss you all the time even though i only know you on the surface.
I'd like to know more about you. I'd like to see if there's anything else to you besides money making.
I don't know what you think about me, or if you even think about me. I'm not sure if i should wish for it either, because it will only be for my self esteem if you do. I don't know if things can progress or not.
I'm just happy knowing you, maybe being friends. Closeness... would be nice if it weren't forced. I'm just not sure about what to do with my feelings. I'm preoccupied as is. I don't think i can fully serve my parents if i started thinking about myself now.
Or maybe that's exactly what i'm doing. I'm not so sure myself.

That... phrase, reaction, comment... keeps on replaying in my mind. Walang silbi. Buti pa ang iba may silbi.
Thanks for making me remember, Padre. There are now several incidences stuck in my mind, all caused by you.
Funny that my feelings about this are mixed though. I'm slightly angry, mostly just down. And umm... i dunno. I'm kind of.... waiting for some sort of affirmation of my true character. Kung wala nga ba akong silbi, o meron naman kahit konti.

I'll just go sleep. Good night all.

2014.

and still empty.

people can probably see that i am not ready for anything.

i dunno. i'm just not motivated for anything. i don't see where passion can get me. and currently, i'm not really enjoying life either.

it's just not much of a cause. we all die anyway.

i'm wanting to perish when i reach my 27th year. and it's coming close. i'll be 26 this may. so that's... 1 year 5months and 27 days more. that's not long. (is that calculation correct? i think so.)

right now i'm just wanting to curl up and cry, and then wishing that someone would appear and hush me to sleep, cradle me in his arms protectively, and just be there. just be there, is all.

I cannot keep myself calm and unthinking!!!
I'm sleepy, I just want to sleep. I just want to forget you, you secure piece of shit you.
Jesusssss make this stop. I don't want to develop feelings anymore!!!
I just want life to be calm and quiet now. I don't want butterflies anymore. Butterflies that only serve to deepen the depression afterward. I don't want them anymore. I don't want anything to do with love anymore. It always just leaves. It never granted me what, I think, I deserve. And now it's a new guy. It's only ever going to happen again. I mean really, it's most probably just me developing feelings for him, and it probably isn't even mutual.
We talked earlier, he even initiated it. But look at me: an idiot!!! I don't know how to respond, how to keep the conversation going. I don't know how to keep him. How much more am I supposed to even let him know my feelings? There's just waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy too many obstacles... including my nature... T^T

You're a challenge to unravel.

Is it just me dancing to this tune? Or are we doing an invincible, slow tango?

I'm not sure. Sometimes you look like it, sometimes you simply just can't care less. It's probably the latter though.

I'm telling myself to stop anticipating anything or wishing for anything. Because it is very much against the norms and would result in trouble. But hell. I wish there was a stop button to simply push.

You probably look down on me...
You probably think, "oh she's just a kid. Nothing special there."
Or maybe you simply think nothing at all. Because, maybe, "not worth my time."
But, man would i feel fulfilled if you just wondered about me sometimes.
Just sometimes is enough.
But... i dunno, really... it simply might not happen... because it simply isn't in your interests...

Ah. This is a hopeless thing. I hope i can get out soon enough. There seems nothing to wait for anyway.

gosh darned accurate. i think i wrote something like this before.

there is no. way. to describe my emptiness.

yeah that sounds so emo and shit but i don't know how else to describe how i feel.

you know when people are having fun and you're there to see it and yet you can't really share with the mirth. like, yeah you can maybe smile a bit, but those're just temporary. glimpses. after that, you can't smile anymore like others would.

i dunno. you can't really force yourself to laugh. people know when they hear fake laughs. and i know it myself when my laugh is fake.

i don't know how else to describe this. just really feeling empty and tired of life.

again, i'm not suicidal. yet. i hope i do actually, i kinda wish that i can get to that point. because right now, i'm too scared to do it. lol sissy. but yeah, i still got that much respect and fear of death, enough not to do it just yet.

everything in my system is trying to rebel over everything. hah.

aw geesh. i can't help it. i'm just happy today. hahaha. omg.

i mean i did not even talk or do P.R. or anything, like, no effort to lighten up, at all. i just did what i think is best and what i think i'm good at. and... i got complimented. excuse me. we got complimented. this won't happen if it's just me.

i'm so happy aslkdjalksjdfkjalsdfjals XD

The idea of going into reclusion feels more and more appealing... i'm finding it hard finding my place in this world...

when you talk with your friends, or are part of the group having conversation, and you feel like most of the time, you can't really contribute anything, and neither can you relate with them besides on the shallow, superficial level only.

yes they're my friends, and i'm their friend, in the sense that we could go to each other when the need arises, even suddenly. we could rely on each other. but i really, really feel like i'm the brunt of the pack. the jackass who looks stupid for her actions.

i mostly don't understand how they can keep being friends with someone they're annoyed with. but i also think that the ease with which i break connections comes from the fact that i never really felt close to anyone when i was young... i treasure my friends now, but they're handpicked. some could come as close to me as one of my private circles, and then i let go of them easily because i find them shallow, or boastful, or rude and senseless. but my friends, they can still be friends with these people whose asses i have already kicked. i don't understand how, and i don't understand why. and it makes me feel as if i'm lacking some universal emotion that would enable me to withstand people more.

i just want a simple life. i don't want drama. i don't want to fight irritating people, and i don't want to fight with friends. so i simply classify them into 2: friend or nonexistent. the rest of the world is the 3rd category: those who i haven't met yet and have no judgment of.

i'm guilty of easily judging people. and i am paranoid, soooooo paranoid. i'm pretty much trying to create a cocoon of safety and friendship and comfort, and if i find something that i feel could possibly break this cocoon, or anger me too much to make me break my cocoon, then i will force it away. it's probably not a good combination, but i have survived. thus far.

but i am constantly reminded that there are always several sides to a story. a person has a 360deg profile created by the tons of people that s/he meets. some people, like my friends, can probably view into that 360deg profile, and thus give my irritating people chances to prove themselves worthy. but me? i can't view into that profile, somehow. or, i am able to view it once my actions are done.

i don't know if what i'm doing is right, or just, or... essential, even. i'm not sure. so far, it's been to pretty good effect on me directly, but it also gives a pretty bad effect when i see my friends tolerating these said persons. maybe it's just my view, even, that they're tolerating said persons. maybe they're really friends, and i'm the weird one. i still don't know. i'm still not sure. i'm just tired of trying to put gray shades all over supposedly black and white stuff.