ayan. natigil ako for a while sa pagbo-blog.

parang acceptance of someone's death lang to e. may part na shock, part na lungkot na lungkot, part na in denial, additional part na sensible thinking, and then yung part ng acceptance.

i'm most likely on the 4th or 5th now. just replace sadness with happiness and hope. ayan na formula mo.

ayoko na kasi e. araw-araw napapaisip ako ng mga "pano kaya kung...", tapos wala naman nangyayari.
di naman sa... i mean yeah naghihintay ako, sort of. kahit alam kong 0.00001% chance lang na mangyaring sya yung lumapit. kasi wala naman talaga to e. kalokohan lang. nagkataon lang na yung ilang segundo ng buhay ko e na-share ko sa kanya. yun lang yun.

kalokohan lang talaga to e, kaya nga dapat tigilan na. ambabaw lang ng utak ko kaya to tumagal e.

e... ayoko narin. tama na. matagal na ko nagmumukhang tanga. lagi nalang. tuwing may ganitong pagkakataon. siguro nga dapat maghintay nalang ako ng lalapit tapos sunggaban ko na kaagad para di na makawala LOL.

pero hindi e. di talaga ko ganun. kung di ko lang din kaya ibalik yung ginagawa nya, wag nalang. sayang lang lahat. pati effort nya sayang. oras namin. buhay namin. pupunta lang lahat sa basura o sa dead sea. ganun kapatay. ganun ka-stagnant. kaya wag nalang. at least kung di kami magkasama may chance pa sya maghanap ng ibang makakasukli sa kanya. although alam ko at pamilyar ako na baka bumaba ang self esteem nya dahil sakin.

pero, alam mo yun... di naman ako yung tipong dapat maging dahilan ng pagbaba ng self esteem. lol. wala akong kwentang tao para lagyan mo ng halaga yung sasabihin ko saka yung desisyon ko. kaya wag kang aasa or sasandal sa mga sasabihin or gagawin ko. masisira lang buhay mo.

siguro nga ganito nalang ako palagi.

i mean, pwede ko siguro gawin yung ako nga yung lalapit. pero... ewan ko. siguro kaya ko kung sa kaya. pakapalan lang naman ng mukha yan e. kaya ko nga magpakapal ng mukha pag kelangan ko magsalita sa harap ng maraming tao or taong mas mataas kesa sakin. shempre walang bastusan, pero pakapalan lang talaga ng mukha. tulakan lang kayo kung sinong unang tutumba. kaya ko yun e, baka kayanin ko ring ako yung lumapit. pero di talaga ganito yung tama e. di talaga ganito yung buhay na kinalakhan ko. saka ayoko na makaranas ulit nung pakiramdam na di sila kuntento sakin. tangina ayoko na maghabol. buong buhay ko naghahabol na ko. tama na yun.

kaya ayan. susubukan ko nang i-kundisyon yung utak ko para mag-isip na, ay, wala na nga. wala nang pag-asa. tumigil ka na teh. baliw ka na. hibang. obsession na yan. di na yan bastang crush. di mo na nga maalala mukha nya e. tumigil ka na. wala nang dahilang umasa ka.

pagod na ko sa ganitong pakiramdam. :(

yeah i guess i'm just too selfish to actually get love for myself. or i'm just too immature for it.

pero pagod na talaga ako e.

ano yun, ako narin ba dapat ang maghahabol para mapansin ng iba?

eh di ako ganun e. di ko kaya yung ganun. old fashion na kung old fashion pero di ko talaga kaya yun at di talaga ako ganun. bahala na kung walang mapunta sakin kahit mahal na mahal ko, o siguro depende rin sa sitwasyon, pero kung di naman ayon yung sitwasyon na ako yung magparamdam... e wag nalang.

kahit ikalulungkot ko nalang pati yun.

hay.

Speechless

A girl and a boy. The usual pair teenagers expect to develop into a couple. Yep, they were really close friends. And eventually, the girl falls in love with the boy! But of course she keeps it all to herself, like we have all done so before. Friendship sometimes really seems to matter more than love, and she thought the same. She was, as anyone is, afraid of rejection, of friendships broken, so she kept it all in... until Valentine's Day came.

Valentine's Day. School was done, and even the professors seemed to be feeling rather lighthearted, enough to not give homework and appreciate the day of love. Of course everyone was happy, coupled or not. The bitter ones are hopeful, the hopeful ones are full of anticipation, and the loved are feeling much more loved. It was a cheerful day for all.

The boy gave the girl a single red rose. And a letter of confession.

They met at the little creek some few distance away from school. It was their usual hangout place, away from the crowd, where they could shout their frustrations and share secrets and carve their crushes' names on the trees. And maybe share a little gossip rounding their respective classes. It wasn't a totally special place; just an empty lot with a creek, trees grown on random spots, not really anything or anywhere habitable.

But he gave her a rose and a letter,and she read it... And it was all that mattered at that moment. It enveloped her brain and her emotions, and everything seemed to be right - the creek, the trees, the silent screech of insects, the plainness of it all. Everything suddenly felt so bright and happy, and her fingers were cold as ice and her heart was beating louder than cheerdance practice. She was speechless and smiling ear to ear and giggling like a little girl. And then she was just laughing. Laughing and expecting the world to share with her mirth. She was happy.

She mustered the courage to confess, because she felt that it was the right time to. It won't fall on deaf ears, and it won't result in rejection or, worse, a broken friendship. She went pink on the cheeks, and gave her sincerest words of love to her best friend, the boy.

...but the boy interrupted her halfway through. He was shocked, and he was troubled with what he heard.

"Hey umm... stop, please. Just a minute..."

The girl stopped, still smiling.

"I... that was just a joke, okay? ... No, really. I just... I know you've been wanting to have someone do that to you... for a long time..."

The girl was still smiling, but her eyes showed a trace of... doubt, disbelief, disappointment.

"A-and it became a joke between us, so I thought... I thought I'd do a bit of a prank on you... It's just a joke." the guy spoke, with surprised eyes.

The girl was speechless for a while. Her smile slowly disappeared, her face turning emotionless and shocked. The happiness turned into sadness, embarassment, and anger.

"So, just a joke? I... I see..." then she simply turned and started walking away.

The guy ran after her, calling after her. He apologized when he reached her. So many times. That he was not aware of her feelings. That he did not mean to hurt her. That he really didn't know.

She suddenly faces him, face all red with anger and tears, and starts yelling angry words at him.

"HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU DO THAT TO ME?!?"

"DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU JUST MADE ME THE BIGGEST MORON EVER??"

"DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH HURT YOU HAVE JUST GIVEN ME?? RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT??"

"ARE. YOU. EVEN. AWARE. OF WHAT I JUST FELT NOW??"

"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I WISH TO HELL THAT YOU WILL EXPERIENCE THE VERY SAME THING, YOU NUMBASS SON OF A BITCH!"

She then storms off, leaving the guy speechless.

*****

another spur-of-the-moment composition, made 7mos ago lol

god of withdrawaaaaalll help meeeeeeee i need to forgeeeeeeeet

......................

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellpppp or else i will feel depressed about this. well, not as bad as clinical depression, but sad. sad enough.

grrruuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhhhhhhhh

the hard part about being infatuated with someone totally new is that you cannot even defend your own actions against your own rational mind.

i mean, seriously mang. not even a week. not even a friggin week. i don't even know anything beyond his profession and his first name and what he looks like in his friggin RN uniform. i'm even just guessing what his age is.

IT IS FUCKING STUPID. AND RETARDED. OKAY?

plus the fact that he has seen how i look like when i don't get baths for 2days while stuck in the hospital and chained stuck (as well) to a friggin IV bottle for 24/7 literally. constantly.

and being the nurse that he is, he constantly smells like the beautiful mild smell of evaporated alcohol. which means he is clean as fudge. just like any other nurse.

and and... and i acted kinda stupid during the last time he talked to me while we were still confined in the hospital. he was asking if i still had fever, and i just shook my head to say no while looking at him, and looked away instantly.

and... just... guh. i'm so... so amateur at this... so shy and stupid... and i'm struck like this. and i can't even defend my infatuation to myself. i just can't. there's just no logical explanation for it. at all.

i think my mind may have just been drugged during that 1 week stay. and my thinking might have gotten slightly affected. you know how dreams can be such big influences? maybe just like that.

i do still remember, though, that little contact when he took off the air bubbles coming from the newly installed IV bottle. he was using an injection for it, to sip out the air bubbles from the tubing before they reach my bloodstream. it just happened that his hands touched mine during the duration of the air removal. and i still remember it. and his hands were beautiful. just beautiful.

i should stop this.

i let him away.

i wish i could just see a bit of reason to let go of him. like, maybe if i learn that he has a girlfriend, or a wife. or that he has different preferences. my mind can be talked out of this. i just need reasons to say goodbye. if there are no reasons, it might be quite some time before i forget him.

tama na bern. tama na. enough is enough is enough nga daw. hahaha. ok na yun. you did what you can. wala lang talaga. kaya tama na.

BAKIT BA ANG HIRAP MONG HANAPIN. GIVE ME YOUR LAST NAME PLEASE. PLEASE.

I WANT TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOU. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR AGE IS AND HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN WORKING AND DO YOU LOVE YOUR JOB AND WHY YOU SEEM SO NICE AND WHETHER YOU'RE GAY (which i hope not, i don't think so, but unlike that other nurse, you seem much more inclined to be one, so... but i really hope not.)

i hope you find me, or give me a way to find you. but in all the hugeness of the interwebs, i'm still afraid to meet you, or for you to know my secrets. i don't think i'm memorable enough, but we've just met in the hospital, and you'll probably remember me when you see my name.

gah.

mr. darren/darryl. i'm not sure. and i'm too shy to ask.

dengue case. mother and daughter. chinese general hospital.

bye.

**edits**
well, sa pangit kong to, ano pa nga bang inaasahan ko. hahahaha. holy shet.
di ko lang talaga alam kung bakit ka nagmarka sakin. di ko talaga maintindihan.
sabi ko rin agad na parehas tayo ng wavelength. pakiramdam ko lang talaga medyo magkakasundo tayo.
ewan ko. ewan kooooooooooooooooooooo. ewan ko talaga.
pero ang ganda lang rin talaga ng kamay mo hahaha. inlab talaga ko sa kamay mo. may obsession talaga ako sa magagandang kamay. at ang ganda ng kamay mo talaga.
besides that... i just like you. for some reason.
hay.
i shouldn't expect anything. i just shouldn't. :|

A Starbucks Moment

Three girls met in a starbucks cafe. They were planning to have some group work done, and so chose the group of seats in the cafe near the wall, where there was an electric socket. Laptops needed charges, and it was the coziest place they could huddle in while discussing stuff. Before anything though, they bought their personal coffee preferences in grande sizes. You would know that they're gonna be sitting there for a while.

10am came, and with it, a lone boy, wearing a stiped, totally common sweatshirt and baggy jeans. Just one of the usual lot, looking for a place to sit in in the same starbucks cafe as where the three girls are. His eyes instantly locked on the three girls sitting in that inconspicuous side of the cafe. He went straight to that area and asked, well, not any of the girls in particular, "Do you mind if... Could you transfer to that area there?" He was pointing towards the wall panel in the middle of the cafe, with benches and a couple of separate chairs.

The girls felt it quite an awkward question to ask, since they were already seated there and, by then, were discussing some slideshows that needed finishing. "I'm sorry but... we've been here since 9am and umm... we've, so to say, "settled in"?", one of the girls answered. "We do need the electric socket here for our stuff... Besides, there are plenty of other empty seats," the second girl replied. The third girl was silent, just looking at the boy and listening to the exchange. None of them budged; none took to arranging their stuff into their bags. The second girl then noticed that the guy's knapsack had an area for a laptop, and it looked occupied, being that the angles were making slight corners on the bag itself. "Oh hey, if you need another socket, there's another one on that side," she pointed towards the other side of the cafe. A socket was there, right along the same line of wall they were occupying.

The boy... well, he just kept quiet, and was just staring at the second girl, since she was the last to talk. The second girl felt rather uneasy after a while, and asked, "What?" with a lifted brow. The boy's brows then slightly went down, and tension was felt in the cafe. No one else was there at the time, except the girls, the lone boy, and three employees. But everyone's eyes were on the lone boy, who hasn't budged even a tiny bit since he stopped talking.

Suddenly, everything changed back to normal. No tension, no uneasiness. Just a normal, ordinary cafe in the middle of the street with customers of three girls and a lone boy.

The three girls calmly arranged their stuff into their bags, just for easy carrying and transferring. When they were done, they went to the spot the second girl pointed at earlier, the one on the other side of the store, with an electric socket. They brought their stuff with them too. They set up their laptops and papers, and everything went as if nothing happened. As if they never met the boy. Never talked with him. Never felt the tension. Never sat at their former spot.

The employees went back to work, filling the filters with coffee beans, preparing whipped cream, slicing and filling up bread to be displayed, writing the day's special offer on the mini-blackboard.

The boy sat at his preferred spot, took out and plugged his laptop, wore his favorite headphones, and proceeded to do whatever he needs to do.

Nothing extraordinary happened that day.

*****
just a little something i wrote. spur of the moment.

Laging sinasabi na may 2 sides ang gemini.

Well, yes, it's quite true.

One side of me is telling me to not believe you. My senses are just telling me that you just told me it's truth because you're such a fucking coward as opposed to what you usually show. You fucking play tricks on everyone and find it amusing when they bite your bait. But when karma strikes back, you can't even look it in the eye you fucking faggot. Your ways are going to bite your ass real hard someday. And if I find out that this side is true, you are so going to have hell for the rest of your life you fucking asshole.

The other side though is telling me to believe you. That you're a friend, and a close one at that. That you would never mess with my emotions like my other side tells me. That you purely want to tell me that there is still a little bit of goodness and concern left.

... but this side, it's so weak. So... soft. So... not supported by everything else that I have seen.

I might just be paranoid, pero ang hirap maniwala sa isang bagay na lahat ng indikasyon, nagsasabing nagsisinungaling ka.

things i want to have in my own home, if i ever get to buy/build one:

• library. oh yessssssss. a roomful of books. it would be nirvana. the light will not be too harsh even though it will be my reading space. it's going to be kinda ambient. warm light. a window for sunshine. and all the walls will be hidden behind bookshelves. the room will be carpeted. a comfy chair or two, and a long beanie chair that will accommodate my full height lying down. of course it will have AC, but i prolly won't use it much, 'cept on really hot days.
• a big art studio. well, not really big, but a full room just for art. it will have a table, not necessarily a drawing table, just a plain one with good surface texture, and at the right height for me to comfortably draw on it for hours. huge floor space for when i want to paint something big and heavy, or if i want to carve, or just if i need the space, maybe for when i spray small stuff. then the walls will have hanging shelves full of instruments, inspiration, pictures, anything that would fit. but the paints will be stored in a special cabinet just for paints. where the paints wouldn't dry up and be wasted, or get exposed to light. again, a window, to let out smells. haha. the chair will have a comfy seat, but a wooden back, so i wouldn't lose myself in its comforting arms while i'm drawing. no AC this time, just a ceiling fan that doesn't blow wind too strongly, so my papers wouldn't fly off. toooooons of brushes. toooooons of crafting instruments - needles, chisels, palette knives, a hammer or two, screws, glue, etc etc. a sound system, maybe an mp3 player dock or summin. lovely.
• my room. it will be the most comfy space in the world. AC of course, haha. pretty thick blanket, but not a comforter. i think a single bed would do. a cabinet for my clothes. a table with a table light, for writing stuff, maybe journal entries, or short stories, or recording dreams. it will also have my PC. hmm. the table will be long to accommodate my writing space and PC, and a printer. just a small one, bond paper printer. window of course. a full length mirror. oh, a little side table by my bed, with a night light, for reading myself to sleep. a wall-mounted LCD screen, just the right size, not too large.
• a magnificent bathroom. oh man. this CANNOT not be there. pooper's just a normal pooper. sink  will just be a plain white bowl-shaped one, but it should be put on some sort of... umm... "table". lol. this flat surface will have my soap, toothbrushes, facial wash, a sponge maybe. but the bath. the bath will be the star. on one side, a shower, with glass walls, glass sliding door. the shower head will be that one with full blast, spray, rainfall, etc etc. though i also do want that thing where the water sprays from the sides, so i don't know if the glass walls will work haha. if not, i think i'll choose the water sprays over the glass walls. i don't want floors/walls that are, like, slippery stuff. marble and such, just no. concrete sounds like a good idea tho, but it might just grow moss. i dunno yet. one wall will have my liquid soap and shampoos. sponges. head caps maybe? or not. that's it. and then on one side, there will be a bath tub. no, not a jacuzzi. just a tub. water temp can be controlled. it's going to be a round one, so i can lie in fetal position on the tub floor even for just a small moment. ahh. oh, and it will be connected right by my bedroom.
• kitchen. i don't really have an ideal kitchen. i'm not a kitchen geek lol. i don't know kitchen stuff very much. but, i do want it to be a busy sort of place. i don't want it to be the sort where spilling a bit of soy sauce will make me scream HOLY FUCKING SHIT CLEAN THAT MESS UP IT WILL WRECK THE WHITE ON MY MILLION DOLLAR OVEN. ugh, no. i don't want it like that. i want it to be homey and comfy, and busy, and smell of delicious delicious heavenly home-made foods. good light sources too, not the glaring sort, just the sort where you can actually see what you're doing. the dining table will also be there, or maybe just a breakfast bar. either is okay, but i do want it to be a personal sort, not a social sort of table with 6-8 chairs all around. 4 is enough. the kitchen will lead to the backyard, for washing and hanging clothes.
• a sofa will prolly be placed along the front/entrance part of the house. it won't be for taking in dozens of people. it will just be for, maybe 6 people, just to meet up, chat, have a few drinks but not enough to get woozy. hmm. i dunno what to put in it actually. i'm not much a fan of having an entertainment system in the "receiving room".

that's about it.

i want a cat in my house. hahaha. yes.

ah. dream home. still a dream.