am i what i think i am to you?

or am i what i wish i am to you?

what on earth did i just dream about.

why did i just dream about you? you're already gone for 4 years. i think that's already a long time. long enough for me to look at someone else.

i did "mourn" for about 2 years, and i still remember you. you prolly don't think i would be affected this much. but yes i am. not in a bad way, nor in a good way. just... this. it's filed under the category of "experience" and "past" and "sorrows". it's already filled up its time in the "unsolved" drawers. so why the heck did you come back? you should be dead.

it even felt like you were holding my hands. i could actually feel the warmth of your hands. it felt weird. romantic but weird. because even while i was dreaming, deep inside my dream's consciousness, i know that it wasn't real and it couldn't happen. it couldn't happen because first off, i have never held your h- wait, i HAVE held your hand. the dance on prom night. that time i still had no idea that you also liked me. but you did, and you didn't speak of it until the last month of the school year. which i think is a pretty good decision since you had your girl and your girl had ears in campus. also, even if it never reached her radar, it would still be morally wrong.

i don't know if i still want to see you again. i don't think i do. because i don't want my feelings to come back.

what a sad story.

i'm going astray with my notions. confusion is setting in a bit.

"if you don't like me, then don't act as if you do."

that's something i'd like to tell you, just to clear things up a bit. but, drats if i do, i'd be confessing if i told you this.

I'M CONFUSED. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

i miss you at times, and i worry about you even if... even if. what the hell. this is the sort of thing that might never go away soon. and i'm getting tired of feeling all girly and teeny-bopperish when we talk.

i'm not asking for a partner from you. i'm just asking that you be normal if that's how you feel, and outright if that's how you feel. that's all.

i don't want to have icy fingers at the wrong time. not anymore. that was quite traumatic.

I'M CONFUSED. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ORLY?

YARLY.

NOWAI.

YESWAI. (although still unsure, for the sake of owl1's happiness, owl2 answers yeswai.)

OvO

i still have no idea how i learned to like you.

you're definitely not my type of guy. your image doesn't even fit with my ideals. you've got too many friends.

you're almost my opposite, but you're also in the same league as me.

i'm not expecting any sympathy from you, and i don't expect you to understand either, but maybe you're just too easy-going that none of these things come to mind when there's contact.

which also explains why you've got so many friends.

i bet some of them girls also like you the way i do, naive as we are. it's just that not all of them might be the same as me: willing to expose myself to the truth of the sequences.

but too much logic may seem like a hindrance to feelings and emotions, and too much intuition may lead to wrong conclusions as based on logic.

so which do i follow? logic or intuition?

if i asked you to, would you come?

you probably would. not because of anything special but because that's your nature. sorta like a dog; you whistle and it comes running, just because you whistled, whoever you are.

hmm. figures why i don't like dogs.

so tired.

physically and mentally tired.

what if i'm hurt by what i'm seeing?

would that matter... to you?

but of course it won't. because you have no idea what is going on inside my head. in my heart. and you'll probably never know until you know it from the starting point.

and i guess i'll never get the chance to say how much your existence means to me, because i'll never speak unless you feel like asking me to do so. and i suppose that opportunity will never come unless the tides turn to an unexpected angle.



how can you lift my spirits then? how come?

we'll keep on waiting (waiting)
waiting on the world to change

huzzah

maguloooooo ang utak ko.

i'm still wanting something that, for now, doesn't seem to be available to me.