maybe you know it's a fucked up life if you are at a loss for stories to tell

No one wants to listen anymore.
I can't describe my feelings any better than "actively dying". I'm just so tired. And no one sees why i feel this way. They just think it's an attitude i'm having, a seasonal one. It's not. It's just a volcano bursting from too many instances of sadness and frustration. My life is going nowhere. But maybe i should just stop thinking of... going out of my way to do things for myself. I mean, it's pretty pointless by now. I don't think i have any other future left. And i'm so tired of fighting for things that i want and love and want to develop. Fighting for something that i can call my own.

Really. Why do i even bother.

I have this strange need to... talk? With someone, about something that i can't even clearly describe to myself. I'm not even sure what i would be talking about.
Also, i always sound boastful or a know-it-all when i talk, i find. I wish i could change that, stop myself before i start. I mean, i do think of my words, but... i guess part of that is the impulse to appear cool, or more belonging, or be easier to accept if you sound like you can confidently carry yourself. But that's a problem, because i won't be able to keep it up.
I have been imagining what would happen if i ever meet the former bff. The only thing i want to tell her is that she is wrong, that i never ever used her. I get angry just thinking about it. I know in my heart that i will never do that to anyone, but i feel like nothing i do will ever prove it. I feel like nothing i do will ever prove what i am/may be capable of doing, and what i will never do, even on my life...

Why the heck do i feel skittish
What am i even feeling anxious about
There's always the feeling of unfinished business. It makes me both anxious to finish sonething but also, because there's actually nothing to finish, sad and stagnant that i'm not doing anything.
Also, ffs self don't be so desperate. It's so humiliating and embarassing. You're not missing anything.
Or maybe you are, but what does it matter. You won't be able to act on anything currently anyway.

When did i lose interest in reading books and making art? I can't remember.

Ive been checking my astrology readings just for fun. Maybe it's you who's being pointed at with mentions of a love that cannot be attained, and yet i cling to.
I miss you still, but i'm not hoping for anything still. I do wonder what's happening with your life though.

Looked at my works in dA and they're so... painfully... bad.

i have a feeling of inadequacy about myself, towards things i want. things i'm curious about. or things or people i love. about jobs and skills.

but yet i have this certain level of vanity that won't get out of my head and my personality, no matter how annoyed i am by it.

it's a deadly combination that almost always ends up embarrassing me memorably. it scares me, but yet this stupidity that i carry unwillingly always haunts my every move and thought.

i wish it would just leave me be. i can live with being inadequate, but i hate this vanity.