I am happy right now... anxious underneath, but happy...
I wonder when the next drop will be...

I miss my hesrt..
Morning just-woke-up blues...

How do you do it?
Why do we seem to jive but at the same time, i become so scared of the jive that i choose to be quiet? You say you are dense but i really feel like you're not, you just choose to close the door on everything...
And it hurts. In all honesty, it hurts me. I don't think you're losing anything over this. But, I think i am. I think im on the losing end. I think i am clinging to you because you seem the kind who would not be hungry enough to burden me further. And thats the difference. You have everything. I have nothing. Thats a problem i can never prove to be inexistent.

I keep waiting for you. It's pathetic and pointless, but i still do. I still want to share even a small moment of my day with you. I agree with whoever said that this is one of the most painful forms of self harm, this... love. This illogical attachment that is not felt back. I don't know how much longer i'll be enduring this, because no matter how many times i've said it in the past 3+ years, no matter how still the atmosphere between us becomes, no matter how far off from my dreams this is, i still don't stop waiting, wishing, wanting you, wanting to know you more. I don't care if it doesn't go anywhere - i'm even 99% sure it won't - i just want to know who you are. I want that there be a way to ask, discuss, rant, joke freely about anything, any topic that comes to mind. I want us to be comfortable. But it feels like i am just an intrusion into your life. That i am not welcome. Like the door is open but you don't want to go in because you don't like what you see. Which i suppose is reasonable. I mean, we're not in the same league. And even in my league, i'm not good enough, interesting enough. I'm just never enough, aren't i? Never enough. Never.

Bakit lahat ng mahal ko umaalis... o ayaw sa akin...

Mabigat lang sa damdamin.

Sorry kung... kung di ko alam pano makipag usap sayo... kala ko kasi magiging madali. Kala ko magkakatugma rin tayo ng isip.
Ewan ko. Ang hirap mag open up.
Kahit nga sa ka close ko mahirap parin mag open up.
Saka kala ko hindi magiging balandra yung... pagkaiba ng takbo ng utak ko... e mukang di ko rin naman maipakita sayo yun...

Sakit lang sa loob pag mahalaga sayo yung tao, pero para sa kanya, parang... epal ka lang. Nakikisingit lang.

Namimiss kita pero yun nga... sana ikaw naman ang maghanap sakin. Ikaw naman mauna. Para alam ko rin naman na di lang ako yung nagpupumilit. Naghahabol. Nagpapakatanga.

Nalulungkot lang...

Yes, i miss you, and i wish that i could make you laugh as much as she said she did... yes, i felt slightly jealous... and i felt so incompetent and useless and boring...
But as much as things are awkward... as hard as i keep trying, seemingly to no avail... i cannot keep the charade going by myself... you're not a spectacle, and you're not an audience. If you want this, be a participant. If you won't, then i will not continue. If you don't want this any more than or equal to how much i do, i will not keep at it anymore... it is useless, and it just makes me feel more undeserving...

Before you move on, you first move away...

Just feel so disappointed with myself and who i am...

Im missing you a lot today. Missing your calm vibrance.
I don't want to suffocate you though. I feel like i'm already mildly doing it as it is...
And for all the chatting, i should remember that it's not anything special...
It's like, instead of the freedom i so wanted to occur, what i got instead was the daily reminder that i am unlovable.

saturdays. wonder where you are...