maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

i didn't think it would take THIS long. wow.

geesh. what to do now? nothing or nothing. not like there are any choices anyway.

i could try to find you again but i would probably end up with the same results. aaaaand... i think i'll just leave it at that. i think i don't want to go on another search and end up miserable again.

gruhhhh.

oh, right. today would be 2mos and 26days.

i don't like this feel. i wish it just goes away. haha. :|

visited the cousin and her baby today in CGH.

i was really really hoping to see him. but no, no signs of him even. then again, he must only be assigned on the upper floor.

argh.

how can i not find you??

we ate at yoogane today. that waiter there was cute, and i mean cute in every sense of the word haha. he wasn't "handsome". just cute. not really my type.

but the way he spoke, geebus. he reminded me of him.

where are you now? why is it that i still can't find you?
well, yeah, i've already stopped actively finding you, but still... i just miss you.

sometimes i just feel that everyone's avoiding me for something i'm personally not aware of.

friendship is a passing thing. when you think you have found a new person to connect with, suddenly that person goes all... nasty, and you are disappointed again.

and disappointed some more. and more. and more.
and you can't help but wonder, "what did i do wrong again? what wrong did i commit this time?", and you will keep pondering because you simply cannot understand why you get a different reciprocation than what you wished for or expected.

being cold really helps, because you never expect anyone to be there for you, and when anyone actually does, it comes as a surprise. nasty people abound this planet.

people will never hear you because you never speak. what'll be there to hear?

but how do i speak out what i feel? i really just want to cry. for so many reasons. not necessarily any particular reason. it's just a general feeling of sadness and being alone.

any sort of human contact now even feels somehow alien to me.

i want to be alone, but at the same time i wish there would be someone who would just hug me and let me cry all i want. someone who would fully understand how i feel and how i am. that i wouldn't have to talk about how i feel, because i'm no good at that part. if i talk, it's always going to be... not enough. not even close. not even accurate in its incompleteness.

any person wants to volunteer? bring shoulder napkins. lol.

gruh. i'm just so tired of stuff that i really shouldn't be tired of. it's so senseless. it's so senseless to even care. and i just feel that it's not my place, in any manner, to give advice or be mad, because it just isn't so. i can whine all i want but i cannot deal change, or push it for that matter. it's just not my place. i'm just too small to do that, even though i feel so bad/affected about it.

right now, everything is so... what's the word... like potential energy is to kinetic energy is to no energy at all haha. tense? out of whack? err... unstable? anxious?

i will have to face the probability that i will be growing old alone. no love and no friends.

gonna stock up on anti-allergy meds now. have to be able to live with a dozen cats. lololol~

haro.

i just want to say that i'm succeeding. yep. sabi ko nga i can be talked out of this. the calm, the storm, both are done. now the waves, and then the tranquil.

the tranquil is good, but it is also deep and if affected, can go back to the storm.

but it is good nevertheless.

so, i already did everything. searched everywhere.

right now i can't think of elsewhere to search other than to go back to that hospital and stalk the shit out of you.

but nooooooo. because i'm not creepy like that and i'm too shy to do that.

anyway. i think i should stop now. as in, totally stop. stop everything. stop thinking, stop imagining, stop hoping, stop expecting. stop. just... forget about you. cancel your existence in my world. you're just a random nurse who got assigned to roaming the rooms of the new building's 4th floor. that's all. you're just a random nobody.

i don't know how long it's gonna take for me to recover, but at least i have... enough... things, reasons, stopping me from finding you. yeah? yeah.

i better get my life back.

tangina this. bat ko to ginagawa.