Theres currently a feeling in me that's looking for something and not finding whatever it is (i don't know what it is either), and feeling so frustrated about it...

I feel like i'm not mentally healthy lately.
I know it sounds so cliche. Even to me. Everyone claims it these days. Not to say it's invalid, but i think some are using the term too loosely. It feels like the new "emo".
But for mine... i feel like i have to do something, whatever thing, even just eating at vacant times. Cos i feel so... out of it, if im not doing anything. I sleep, close my eyes, only when my brain tells me to (which is where my eyes start closing by themselves).
I dont know if it's anxiety. Ive felt anxious before. Kinda like extreme stage fright with the running thoughts and beads of sweat and almost freezing, not knowing what to do or where to start. But it's very rare, and i think it happens to everyone, that kind of very rare frequency. I think it's normal.
I think im closer to "manic", but that also feels too deep, too much, to use as *my* term. But i get impulsive sometimes due to these "hanging/floating" feelings. I think my and le fams health is stressing me out. My mood tends to change with tiny triggers. All i really want right now is to be somewhere that is completely devoid of triggers and worries. But what do i do? At some point recently i just felt so unmotivated to even play.
I wanna get back to that mood/mode where im concerned for my health, where i feel productive, positive. I know when the curtains open or close, but i don't know what pulls the strings.

not sure what i feel. or if im feeling.

ive no motivation to do anything. not even play. i just wanna sleep.

my mind (my other self?) is telling me to do something. to practice drawing again. to build what i want in subnautica. to go back to that online work thing and study it again. future something something. wanting to change my life and how to start and sustain it. even exercise. i tell myself i wanna go back to yoga, but im too lazy for it.

i dunno. i don't see much of a point to any of these anyway.

it's like im waiting for the situation to change, thinking i might change as well, but knowing deep down that i won't, esp. because even if some things go away, something else will immediately take their place, and my attention.

i think life, or the act of, is silly. we keep trying to "be productive", to what end? everything boils down to survival, dunnit? even those who study philosophy and science, they're like, "i wanna learn", "i wanna influence/improve how the world thinks", but eventually it's only 1 of 2 things: they wanna prolong life in totality, or they wanna leave a lasting impression.

we're all vying for an infinity that either won't happen, or will happen and result in a less ideal lifescape...

Continuously twisting hurricane wreaking havoc everywhere, all the time.
I wonder if i am selfish or burnt out, or both.
Why did u all leave me alone to carry all of this?
I don't want to be responsible for anyone anymore. Im so tired...

floating again in a deep, dark sea

and ominous clouds

and no land in sight

tease of light from impending storms
immeasurable distances that stretch or shrink in the flashes of lightning
when will it end?
i want it to end, but also not to

two steps forward and two steps back

the ground being whittled away by my feet

in anticipation and dread of seeing the bloody sun

but it's like...

what do you draw when you're empty?

I just miss you tonight.
For some reason i think of you as a source of comfort. Like you would immediately understand my thoughts and emotions, no questions needed. If there is someone i'd like to be there just for their presence, it would be you.
But maybe im just imagining things. Imposing my expectations on your image.

Fall in love with a different world to shield myself from the reality that my life is going nowhere...

Depressed state again. Would it be good to have the injectable birth control pill for this?
Then again, maybe id just feel the disappointment more, being in the should-be-happy state more often...
DA2's Tranquil concept showed up again recently. Wish i could just get into that state.

Dreamed that you had died and cried in my dream, even though i also "met your partner" in there