I didn't notice that it was already 1am. Now it's 2.39am and my brain's... i'm sleepy but like my mind is trying to stay awake. Like something in there is saying it's not yet time to sleep. But i'm looking at the time and i know i need to sleep or i'll be groggy again tomorrow.
I think my experiments with fasting and food are talking a bit of a toll - is it a toll or is it a good thing?? - on my body. Weird.
And... i have no one to tell this to. Because i feel like i'm becoming more and more selfish. Most of the words that come out of my mouth sound like uninformed opinions based only on what *i* feel. I don't want to interact anymore but i also wish someone would just understand.

I dreamed about you twice. You were always appearing beside someone that has caught my attention somehow. Either friends with them or just switching faces with them. I think my subconscious is trying to compare you to them. But my attention always shifts to you, if you're still there. Or places you there.
But you never really notice me at all. No interaction whatsoever. You're just there, talking with someone. Or you shift away everytime you look at me, and it changes to someone else.
I wonder if i mean anything to you, the same way you mean something to me. I miss you but i'm not sure if i miss the nothingness. Sometimes i wish the missing wasn't there, didn't exist. It must feel better to just be empty, if everytime i miss you, i remember being nothing to you.

yung tuwing nakikita mo sya, para kang sinasampal sa mukha.

im happy that you have a good life.

im sad that i will never be able to give you that life.

im happy that we are not together or else you would have been so frustrated.

im sad that we are not together.

im sad that even if we are not together, i still would not be able to live the life that you are living.

i don't know if i'll ever be able to, but if that love does not come to fruition - and no, it doesn't even have to be *our* love, just my love of that life - then it would be better to just be dead...

just suddenly missing you and your quiet presence.

imagining easy conversations. or non-conversations. maybe more of the latter.

wondering how you're faring. but not brave enough to ask.

Feeling very alone. I don't know if i could keep living this. I feel like people misunderstand my outside composure as... reliance, youngness, innocence, unpleasant fragility. I feel like maybe they're afraid that i will burden them further. I feel like they don't think i experience normal human emotions.
I don't know where to start forging my own path. I don't even know where i want to go yet. But being so far down the shared road... i feel like anything else would be a waste of time.

Everything feels dead.
Like, if i were made to choose between life and death, i would have no problem choosing death. It doesn't feel different anyway.
I'm old enough to be a mom - though i don't want to be one - and yet here i'm still looking for a purpose. A friend is mourning the loss of her child already and here all i ever do is... game? Attend to what someone else needs?
I feel so fenced off from the world.

Im in a place where being alive is meaningless. But i strive to look for meaning, even if it's others', just so i wouldn't have to feel so useless.
It feels good to help people achieve their dreams. I don't know if it will ever get to that, but what if at one point there will be no one else to help?
I wonder if i'll have the strength and the fatigue to go away after my parents are gone...

2.06am

Here recalling lots of past events, and/or feelings again. It's a constant roller coaster in here but i notice it more at times when i'm p doing anything.

I feel like i'm gonna be a very different person when i get a measure of freedom again.

Sometimes i think, what if im actually an extrovert? What if... well, what is it that im looking for anyway? What if there came time again to just be myself?

"Look at her, she's a self-made woman." I don't want endless riches. I just want a life of purpose. Something that might inspire someone else to be more conscientious, kinder, more peace-loving and be intellectually hungry. Life is... pointless beyond... everything, really. We're all just gonna die anyway.

this is you feeling jealous. you missing out on everything and feeling the currents flow right under your nose. this is you wanting to be the best, trying to be ambitious, conquering all platforms, but all of it are just wants. this is you being angry for not being able to become someone else. like someone else. this is you being desperate, clutching at very small victories of attention and magnifying them by multiples. this is your sadness and fear speaking. it will be gone soon. within the month.

Thoughts:

1. The feeling of being split between wanting to be always there for your parents, wanting some long-missed alone time, and wanting to see some friends. Oh, and wanting to be more independent. And feeling guilty because when you do one, you cannot do the rest.

2. I hate that you keep claiming ownership over him. I hate how much of a snake... no, you're not that bad, but you're definitely very manipulative, and i fucking hate that, and i fucking hate seeing you being like that over someone. And your intention is so fucking obvious to me. I fucking hate that i can't do anything about it. At the same time, i fucking hate this feeling of alienation. That no matter how i try to be friendly and in level with everyone, the idea of a wall will continually be imposed on my person. And it does not fucking help that im awkward as fuck.

Yeah. Thats... thats about it for now.
Ive always only wanted to be an onlooker, because the world has too much drama to be involved in. It just drags you down. But at the same time, if youre just an onlooker, an observer, it also means that you can't give joy and you can't participate in joy. And it's... harsh? To be able to feel but not be able to act. I wish it was just 1 or the other, no gray areas.