Things are slowly breaking apart. Everything is. I don't want anything to do with anyone anymore. Friends, sure. Some close pals. But anything involving commitment is a goddamned curse. Platonic or romantic. It's a damned curse. It's not like anyone's trying anyway. I think no one likes or needs my presence either, but I'm thinking it should now go both ways. From them, and now, maybe from me too.
Maybe that's why i was tagged a user back then. Maybe they think i'm being needy yet not there. It's never good to be reliant. On anyone. Once you build something up, they expect you to always be there too. And i know that i havent been like that. Im just not sure when. I never intended for things to be one-sided, but what i intended was that we be there for each other when it is needed, when the sitch calls for it. Maybe i havent been there, or i havent let my presence feel that way, and maybe she thinks shes done it for me. Im sorry if i was a disappointment. Im a horrible friend haha. Im never there. And it's all coming back to me. And i don't want this... (unintentional) rejection anymore. If i can't do my part as a friend, what more something else, and as it is, i shouldve known to expect the same treatment from others too. It's not their fault. It's mine, from the start.

the maelstrom never formed. there was nothing to form it with, to begin with.

everything ends here.

this image/quote might sound... ancient, but it feels true. and it applies. and i need to wake up.

some people are meant to make a difference, while some are simply meant to fill the role of... workers. the tiny tiny cogs of world progress. some would think the tiny cogs are just as important as the thinkers, the movers, but... it doesn't feel that way.



i'm tired.



i'm a tiny, rusty cog. readily thrown away.

ayoko narin sumubok... punyeta... nakakasama lang ng loob. wala ka namang pakialam...

kunsabagay, bat nga ba ko nage-expect. wala ka rin namang mapapala sakin. tapos kamamatay lang din ng erpats mo, syempre nandun parin yung isip mo. dapat lang rin naman atang ganun. ako lang rin ata yung makasarili. saka, malay ko ba kung anong tumatakbo sa isip mo. malay ko rin ba kung anong meron sa buhay mo ngayon. malay ko rin ba kung ano ka nga ba.

nakakasama lang ng loob. yun lang.

You know what? He doesn't care one bit. I want to cry. I'm so frustrated. I wanna take down these 3-years worth of blog entries, because they don't really mean squat if you don't even notice, if you're not even the least bit interested.

Fuck all this. Fuck it all. The people you wish would listen, they never listen... ever.

I wish i had at least that much self trust as she does.
It's stupid to be frustrated over something not working when you know that you're scared if it does work...

you look sorta tired today, like maybe you didn't get enough sleep.

your shirt was cute. haha. i wouldn't say you should keep wearing it, but it was cute this time.

i wonder if you get mood swings too. if guys get mood swings too. because you looked so happy yesterday.



i'd point you to this blog myself if i were so bold. but i'm not, and i don't know if it would matter to you anyway.



but if you look for your name in this blog, i think you'll find it. i'm not sure if i've erased it, but i think i didn't. i think you'll find it. and you'll know.



and i hope you'll know, so that you'll also know that someone, some other person outside your permanent circle, cares for you too.

I don't look at you because i don't think i can without showing my true feelings...

Heart.

light coffee tonight.



i've been wondering if i'm good at anything. even at being someone's child.



i look at my mom and i feel like i haven't done anything for her.



my mind is kinda... slightly defending itself. lol. i think i've done some stuff. but it never feels enough. or feels like something she'd be proud of. not necessarily to talk about it, just that she would appreciate it. i don't think i've done anything that could garner appreciation.



my mom is rather expressive of her disappointments. my dad isn't.



and i feel that maybe my dad also thinks that i'm useless. he's just not saying it out loud.



i do want a bit of... comforting? maybe someone can tell me otherwise? i don't want anything that sounds like worship or fake, exaggerated support. but it would be nice if someone could, maybe balance it out... tell me if i'm enough, or not, for them... a bit of reassurance, whether i'm on the right track or not...



i'm really pretty lost.



i've also been thinking about when the time comes that i have to do everything by myself. budget everything. pay the bills. get the meds. eat. live. now should actually be the time for all of these, but as it is, i'm not really doing anything...



i saw a post about a certain movie with JGH in it. posted as his words. goes something like, if you love the movie go see it again and watch how selfish JGH's character is, being a lost soul and clinging to the idea of an ideal ZD's character.

i feel like i'm very much guilty of the same sin...