had my happiest dream this morning.

frolicking like children.

feeling safe and precious in each other's presence.

laughing. no jokes actually. i don't remember jokes. just laughing, being like children. some tickling, some talking, some time just sitting in the car backseat with his arm draped on my shoulders.

it was sweet and innocent.



maybe that's the best experience i can ever get from this... this hold-up...

I should be happy that i can even talk to you about these things. Enough is enough.

why do i have to be attracted to the wrong guy?



or, is there a wrong guy?



anyway. i just feel... like a total loser. like... i'm not... i'm not worth knowing or... i dunno. encouraging? helping get out of her shell? or even just... talking with??



i do talk with friends, and have some deep conversations with different people. umm... i dunno. what am i missing? how can i be more... interesting, perhaps? less awkward? less... maybe even narcissistic? (because yeah i think i may have a small streak of it. i'm not sure. it's confusing to keep second guessing myself and my intentions. and try to analyze the reasons behind what and who i like, or need.)



i'm just wondering why some people seem to have a good hold of their lives, and others are willing to share with it and share themselves with these people. what do they have that i don't have? or what do i have that they don't have? what makes me so abnormal? why do i feel unneeded?



why is it that... i see him to be an important person, in himself and to me, and he's in troubled times right now, and i think... i think the burden is wearing him out exponentially, physically mentally and emotionally, and i want him to know that i'm just here to listen, or just be here, for him, i do not want for anything else besides being his confidante maybe, i'm not even expecting any more than that because that feels too unrealistic... but i feel like he doesn't need me..?



it's same as during high school when i just wanted to help a fellow diabetic but i feel like i'm being rejected outright..?



what the fuck is wrong with me???

Wish you were here... yeah. I dont know if youll actually *be* here then, but still wish you were here.

ang sakit lang kasi sa puso. literal na masakit lang. parang napaka-abnormal kong tao para matanggap...

it's just devastating...

well, i did ask for it, didn't i?



look him in the eyes, dear. just do it. don't be scared. you're nothing but a speck of dust to the millions of things happening around you. that's both a gift and a curse, but use it your advantage. because you will not get anything if you don't ask for anything.

Who are you?
My biased thoughts are making me grasp at imaginary possibilities.
I keep wishing it's you, but I have no way of proving myself right or wrong...
Eh, patience. Patience is key.

it's not you. it means nothing if it's not you.

It's like being continuously broken, built up, broken again, built up again...

I keep waiting for you.
I feel like a fucking dog waiting for her master to come back home.

I should just take this as it is and stop thinking about its possible implications. Because that's all it is: just a mere "possible", not something that will actually happen.

I wish you were deeper than this. More empathetic than this. I honestly thought you would be. So far though, I haven't seen anything to prove me right. I don't know if I'm disappointed or mad that my standards are giving me inaccurate thoughts.

Please just... just prove this post wrong. Just let me know that you're not numb. That you are, even slightly, privy to other people's feelings. Just prove to me that you aren't simply self-serving, like most people are.

the more i think of this...

the more i'm sure that i can never reach your standards...



why does everyone have someone who has enough patience for them?



i don't know if i'll ever find mine. i really hope it's you, but... i dunno. it could be no one. i could reach death without feeling... appreciated, or worthy, maybe.



oh well. no, it's never an oh well. but, i gotta continue, because other people need hands to finish what they need finishing...