BAKIT BA ANG HIRAP MONG HANAPIN. GIVE ME YOUR LAST NAME PLEASE. PLEASE.

I WANT TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOU. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR AGE IS AND HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN WORKING AND DO YOU LOVE YOUR JOB AND WHY YOU SEEM SO NICE AND WHETHER YOU'RE GAY (which i hope not, i don't think so, but unlike that other nurse, you seem much more inclined to be one, so... but i really hope not.)

i hope you find me, or give me a way to find you. but in all the hugeness of the interwebs, i'm still afraid to meet you, or for you to know my secrets. i don't think i'm memorable enough, but we've just met in the hospital, and you'll probably remember me when you see my name.

gah.

mr. darren/darryl. i'm not sure. and i'm too shy to ask.

dengue case. mother and daughter. chinese general hospital.

bye.

**edits**
well, sa pangit kong to, ano pa nga bang inaasahan ko. hahahaha. holy shet.
di ko lang talaga alam kung bakit ka nagmarka sakin. di ko talaga maintindihan.
sabi ko rin agad na parehas tayo ng wavelength. pakiramdam ko lang talaga medyo magkakasundo tayo.
ewan ko. ewan kooooooooooooooooooooo. ewan ko talaga.
pero ang ganda lang rin talaga ng kamay mo hahaha. inlab talaga ko sa kamay mo. may obsession talaga ako sa magagandang kamay. at ang ganda ng kamay mo talaga.
besides that... i just like you. for some reason.
hay.
i shouldn't expect anything. i just shouldn't. :|

A Starbucks Moment

Three girls met in a starbucks cafe. They were planning to have some group work done, and so chose the group of seats in the cafe near the wall, where there was an electric socket. Laptops needed charges, and it was the coziest place they could huddle in while discussing stuff. Before anything though, they bought their personal coffee preferences in grande sizes. You would know that they're gonna be sitting there for a while.

10am came, and with it, a lone boy, wearing a stiped, totally common sweatshirt and baggy jeans. Just one of the usual lot, looking for a place to sit in in the same starbucks cafe as where the three girls are. His eyes instantly locked on the three girls sitting in that inconspicuous side of the cafe. He went straight to that area and asked, well, not any of the girls in particular, "Do you mind if... Could you transfer to that area there?" He was pointing towards the wall panel in the middle of the cafe, with benches and a couple of separate chairs.

The girls felt it quite an awkward question to ask, since they were already seated there and, by then, were discussing some slideshows that needed finishing. "I'm sorry but... we've been here since 9am and umm... we've, so to say, "settled in"?", one of the girls answered. "We do need the electric socket here for our stuff... Besides, there are plenty of other empty seats," the second girl replied. The third girl was silent, just looking at the boy and listening to the exchange. None of them budged; none took to arranging their stuff into their bags. The second girl then noticed that the guy's knapsack had an area for a laptop, and it looked occupied, being that the angles were making slight corners on the bag itself. "Oh hey, if you need another socket, there's another one on that side," she pointed towards the other side of the cafe. A socket was there, right along the same line of wall they were occupying.

The boy... well, he just kept quiet, and was just staring at the second girl, since she was the last to talk. The second girl felt rather uneasy after a while, and asked, "What?" with a lifted brow. The boy's brows then slightly went down, and tension was felt in the cafe. No one else was there at the time, except the girls, the lone boy, and three employees. But everyone's eyes were on the lone boy, who hasn't budged even a tiny bit since he stopped talking.

Suddenly, everything changed back to normal. No tension, no uneasiness. Just a normal, ordinary cafe in the middle of the street with customers of three girls and a lone boy.

The three girls calmly arranged their stuff into their bags, just for easy carrying and transferring. When they were done, they went to the spot the second girl pointed at earlier, the one on the other side of the store, with an electric socket. They brought their stuff with them too. They set up their laptops and papers, and everything went as if nothing happened. As if they never met the boy. Never talked with him. Never felt the tension. Never sat at their former spot.

The employees went back to work, filling the filters with coffee beans, preparing whipped cream, slicing and filling up bread to be displayed, writing the day's special offer on the mini-blackboard.

The boy sat at his preferred spot, took out and plugged his laptop, wore his favorite headphones, and proceeded to do whatever he needs to do.

Nothing extraordinary happened that day.

*****
just a little something i wrote. spur of the moment.

Laging sinasabi na may 2 sides ang gemini.

Well, yes, it's quite true.

One side of me is telling me to not believe you. My senses are just telling me that you just told me it's truth because you're such a fucking coward as opposed to what you usually show. You fucking play tricks on everyone and find it amusing when they bite your bait. But when karma strikes back, you can't even look it in the eye you fucking faggot. Your ways are going to bite your ass real hard someday. And if I find out that this side is true, you are so going to have hell for the rest of your life you fucking asshole.

The other side though is telling me to believe you. That you're a friend, and a close one at that. That you would never mess with my emotions like my other side tells me. That you purely want to tell me that there is still a little bit of goodness and concern left.

... but this side, it's so weak. So... soft. So... not supported by everything else that I have seen.

I might just be paranoid, pero ang hirap maniwala sa isang bagay na lahat ng indikasyon, nagsasabing nagsisinungaling ka.

things i want to have in my own home, if i ever get to buy/build one:

• library. oh yessssssss. a roomful of books. it would be nirvana. the light will not be too harsh even though it will be my reading space. it's going to be kinda ambient. warm light. a window for sunshine. and all the walls will be hidden behind bookshelves. the room will be carpeted. a comfy chair or two, and a long beanie chair that will accommodate my full height lying down. of course it will have AC, but i prolly won't use it much, 'cept on really hot days.
• a big art studio. well, not really big, but a full room just for art. it will have a table, not necessarily a drawing table, just a plain one with good surface texture, and at the right height for me to comfortably draw on it for hours. huge floor space for when i want to paint something big and heavy, or if i want to carve, or just if i need the space, maybe for when i spray small stuff. then the walls will have hanging shelves full of instruments, inspiration, pictures, anything that would fit. but the paints will be stored in a special cabinet just for paints. where the paints wouldn't dry up and be wasted, or get exposed to light. again, a window, to let out smells. haha. the chair will have a comfy seat, but a wooden back, so i wouldn't lose myself in its comforting arms while i'm drawing. no AC this time, just a ceiling fan that doesn't blow wind too strongly, so my papers wouldn't fly off. toooooons of brushes. toooooons of crafting instruments - needles, chisels, palette knives, a hammer or two, screws, glue, etc etc. a sound system, maybe an mp3 player dock or summin. lovely.
• my room. it will be the most comfy space in the world. AC of course, haha. pretty thick blanket, but not a comforter. i think a single bed would do. a cabinet for my clothes. a table with a table light, for writing stuff, maybe journal entries, or short stories, or recording dreams. it will also have my PC. hmm. the table will be long to accommodate my writing space and PC, and a printer. just a small one, bond paper printer. window of course. a full length mirror. oh, a little side table by my bed, with a night light, for reading myself to sleep. a wall-mounted LCD screen, just the right size, not too large.
• a magnificent bathroom. oh man. this CANNOT not be there. pooper's just a normal pooper. sink  will just be a plain white bowl-shaped one, but it should be put on some sort of... umm... "table". lol. this flat surface will have my soap, toothbrushes, facial wash, a sponge maybe. but the bath. the bath will be the star. on one side, a shower, with glass walls, glass sliding door. the shower head will be that one with full blast, spray, rainfall, etc etc. though i also do want that thing where the water sprays from the sides, so i don't know if the glass walls will work haha. if not, i think i'll choose the water sprays over the glass walls. i don't want floors/walls that are, like, slippery stuff. marble and such, just no. concrete sounds like a good idea tho, but it might just grow moss. i dunno yet. one wall will have my liquid soap and shampoos. sponges. head caps maybe? or not. that's it. and then on one side, there will be a bath tub. no, not a jacuzzi. just a tub. water temp can be controlled. it's going to be a round one, so i can lie in fetal position on the tub floor even for just a small moment. ahh. oh, and it will be connected right by my bedroom.
• kitchen. i don't really have an ideal kitchen. i'm not a kitchen geek lol. i don't know kitchen stuff very much. but, i do want it to be a busy sort of place. i don't want it to be the sort where spilling a bit of soy sauce will make me scream HOLY FUCKING SHIT CLEAN THAT MESS UP IT WILL WRECK THE WHITE ON MY MILLION DOLLAR OVEN. ugh, no. i don't want it like that. i want it to be homey and comfy, and busy, and smell of delicious delicious heavenly home-made foods. good light sources too, not the glaring sort, just the sort where you can actually see what you're doing. the dining table will also be there, or maybe just a breakfast bar. either is okay, but i do want it to be a personal sort, not a social sort of table with 6-8 chairs all around. 4 is enough. the kitchen will lead to the backyard, for washing and hanging clothes.
• a sofa will prolly be placed along the front/entrance part of the house. it won't be for taking in dozens of people. it will just be for, maybe 6 people, just to meet up, chat, have a few drinks but not enough to get woozy. hmm. i dunno what to put in it actually. i'm not much a fan of having an entertainment system in the "receiving room".

that's about it.

i want a cat in my house. hahaha. yes.

ah. dream home. still a dream.

ah. i rant about the same things over and over and over. gawd. i imagine people are tired of hearing or reading my rants. sorry. =.=;;;

****************

i have this funny feeling... i don't know if i'm right, of course. and i wouldn't even dare to ask.
it just... looks like it. sort of.
erm.
yeah.
let's see where this goes. maybe it's even nonexistent. i don't know yet. just my guts telling me something.
maybe i'm just assuming, but i don't know. i don't know.
i have to learn to wait.

this funny feeling... how mutual is this... how accurate am i... how accurate is my intuition...

Guh. I hate when this impulse is trying to overcome me. The brain really is my biggest enemy. I should have more control over my impulses. I hate this weakness.

On the other hand... I feel like I'm changing. And in my own perspective, it's not for the better. It's like I'm becoming more... violent, or vengeful, or angsty. I keep thinking of the more violent ways when trying to solve problems or conflicts.

I'm not like this before. I had always been very calm about stuff before. But now... it feels different. I don't like this but somehow, it is also very addicting. It's like letting go of all stress and problematic thoughts. It's very easy to commit, because it's simply impulsive.

I'm losing myself :(

So many things to say. But i can't think of them all when the space faces me. Hehe.

Ok, here it is. Whatever i can still remember.

Oh, i have thought of writing a blog post for hiddles. Lol wtf. I imagined i made a public letter of sorts in the hopes that it would reach him. Umm... well, i dont have the guts to actually do it anyway haha. Gooshness. But, sometimes i imagine it would be nice to be friends with him maybe. Then again, i don't really know what his personality would be. Oh i'm just dreaming lol. You do have a handsome face though, mr. Hiddleston. Yep you do.

What else...

This courting thing is annoying me lol. I feel like the suitor is being fake to his target. It just isn't natural. I wish they just developed from friends to lovers, no real courting process. I just don't understand it.

Next...

What am i doing with my life. I can't describe the lowness i am currently feeling. It's just so... pathetic. I feel so useless and... so without purpose. Like i was just born to annoy the hell outta people. Sometimes i try to imagine grand situations where they, and i, suddenly find out that, maybe i'm a long lost princess of china, or i'm the next resurrection, or i'm an otherworldly being kept in a human body. Lol so much for aspiring. I really just want to feel important to someone. Anyone. In a real sense.

It's getting rather lonely and depressing to think that time is passing me by, and no one's really seeing me as someone to stay with. It embeds in me the idea that, yes, you are that bad of an option, if you are even an option. Sigh.

Some people just can't seem to shut up >:( i hate assholes so don't mess with me you fucking idiot.

This work schedule thing is boring as fudge. Get ready every monday and lay low every friday. That feeling of anticipation just dissipates and the space it leaves gets filled with dread. Mondays.

it makes me wonder sometimes if something's wrong with me. i can't seem to be close enough to a person.
i do have my group of friends, and i value them very very much. they're my sisters. and i would do anything i can in case they need help. i hope, and i think, it's the same with them; they'd do anything for me too.
but "close"... this word... i can't seem to grasp it. i can't seem to be it with anyone. my group of friends, my "co-animals", they know my secrets. prolly not all, but most. if i didn't tell them a secret, it's prolly because i forgot all about it, or it would hurt them. but i think i just forgot it. anyway, i still don't feel like we're close enough.
sometimes it still feels like i'm faking something when i'm with them. i don't intend to fake anything, but it still feels that way. it still feels like i'm too distant, and even when i try and they try for us to be close, i still won't be close enough to them. and it's sad.