things i want to have in my own home, if i ever get to buy/build one:

• library. oh yessssssss. a roomful of books. it would be nirvana. the light will not be too harsh even though it will be my reading space. it's going to be kinda ambient. warm light. a window for sunshine. and all the walls will be hidden behind bookshelves. the room will be carpeted. a comfy chair or two, and a long beanie chair that will accommodate my full height lying down. of course it will have AC, but i prolly won't use it much, 'cept on really hot days.
• a big art studio. well, not really big, but a full room just for art. it will have a table, not necessarily a drawing table, just a plain one with good surface texture, and at the right height for me to comfortably draw on it for hours. huge floor space for when i want to paint something big and heavy, or if i want to carve, or just if i need the space, maybe for when i spray small stuff. then the walls will have hanging shelves full of instruments, inspiration, pictures, anything that would fit. but the paints will be stored in a special cabinet just for paints. where the paints wouldn't dry up and be wasted, or get exposed to light. again, a window, to let out smells. haha. the chair will have a comfy seat, but a wooden back, so i wouldn't lose myself in its comforting arms while i'm drawing. no AC this time, just a ceiling fan that doesn't blow wind too strongly, so my papers wouldn't fly off. toooooons of brushes. toooooons of crafting instruments - needles, chisels, palette knives, a hammer or two, screws, glue, etc etc. a sound system, maybe an mp3 player dock or summin. lovely.
• my room. it will be the most comfy space in the world. AC of course, haha. pretty thick blanket, but not a comforter. i think a single bed would do. a cabinet for my clothes. a table with a table light, for writing stuff, maybe journal entries, or short stories, or recording dreams. it will also have my PC. hmm. the table will be long to accommodate my writing space and PC, and a printer. just a small one, bond paper printer. window of course. a full length mirror. oh, a little side table by my bed, with a night light, for reading myself to sleep. a wall-mounted LCD screen, just the right size, not too large.
• a magnificent bathroom. oh man. this CANNOT not be there. pooper's just a normal pooper. sink  will just be a plain white bowl-shaped one, but it should be put on some sort of... umm... "table". lol. this flat surface will have my soap, toothbrushes, facial wash, a sponge maybe. but the bath. the bath will be the star. on one side, a shower, with glass walls, glass sliding door. the shower head will be that one with full blast, spray, rainfall, etc etc. though i also do want that thing where the water sprays from the sides, so i don't know if the glass walls will work haha. if not, i think i'll choose the water sprays over the glass walls. i don't want floors/walls that are, like, slippery stuff. marble and such, just no. concrete sounds like a good idea tho, but it might just grow moss. i dunno yet. one wall will have my liquid soap and shampoos. sponges. head caps maybe? or not. that's it. and then on one side, there will be a bath tub. no, not a jacuzzi. just a tub. water temp can be controlled. it's going to be a round one, so i can lie in fetal position on the tub floor even for just a small moment. ahh. oh, and it will be connected right by my bedroom.
• kitchen. i don't really have an ideal kitchen. i'm not a kitchen geek lol. i don't know kitchen stuff very much. but, i do want it to be a busy sort of place. i don't want it to be the sort where spilling a bit of soy sauce will make me scream HOLY FUCKING SHIT CLEAN THAT MESS UP IT WILL WRECK THE WHITE ON MY MILLION DOLLAR OVEN. ugh, no. i don't want it like that. i want it to be homey and comfy, and busy, and smell of delicious delicious heavenly home-made foods. good light sources too, not the glaring sort, just the sort where you can actually see what you're doing. the dining table will also be there, or maybe just a breakfast bar. either is okay, but i do want it to be a personal sort, not a social sort of table with 6-8 chairs all around. 4 is enough. the kitchen will lead to the backyard, for washing and hanging clothes.
• a sofa will prolly be placed along the front/entrance part of the house. it won't be for taking in dozens of people. it will just be for, maybe 6 people, just to meet up, chat, have a few drinks but not enough to get woozy. hmm. i dunno what to put in it actually. i'm not much a fan of having an entertainment system in the "receiving room".

that's about it.

i want a cat in my house. hahaha. yes.

ah. dream home. still a dream.

ah. i rant about the same things over and over and over. gawd. i imagine people are tired of hearing or reading my rants. sorry. =.=;;;

****************

i have this funny feeling... i don't know if i'm right, of course. and i wouldn't even dare to ask.
it just... looks like it. sort of.
erm.
yeah.
let's see where this goes. maybe it's even nonexistent. i don't know yet. just my guts telling me something.
maybe i'm just assuming, but i don't know. i don't know.
i have to learn to wait.

this funny feeling... how mutual is this... how accurate am i... how accurate is my intuition...

Guh. I hate when this impulse is trying to overcome me. The brain really is my biggest enemy. I should have more control over my impulses. I hate this weakness.

On the other hand... I feel like I'm changing. And in my own perspective, it's not for the better. It's like I'm becoming more... violent, or vengeful, or angsty. I keep thinking of the more violent ways when trying to solve problems or conflicts.

I'm not like this before. I had always been very calm about stuff before. But now... it feels different. I don't like this but somehow, it is also very addicting. It's like letting go of all stress and problematic thoughts. It's very easy to commit, because it's simply impulsive.

I'm losing myself :(

So many things to say. But i can't think of them all when the space faces me. Hehe.

Ok, here it is. Whatever i can still remember.

Oh, i have thought of writing a blog post for hiddles. Lol wtf. I imagined i made a public letter of sorts in the hopes that it would reach him. Umm... well, i dont have the guts to actually do it anyway haha. Gooshness. But, sometimes i imagine it would be nice to be friends with him maybe. Then again, i don't really know what his personality would be. Oh i'm just dreaming lol. You do have a handsome face though, mr. Hiddleston. Yep you do.

What else...

This courting thing is annoying me lol. I feel like the suitor is being fake to his target. It just isn't natural. I wish they just developed from friends to lovers, no real courting process. I just don't understand it.

Next...

What am i doing with my life. I can't describe the lowness i am currently feeling. It's just so... pathetic. I feel so useless and... so without purpose. Like i was just born to annoy the hell outta people. Sometimes i try to imagine grand situations where they, and i, suddenly find out that, maybe i'm a long lost princess of china, or i'm the next resurrection, or i'm an otherworldly being kept in a human body. Lol so much for aspiring. I really just want to feel important to someone. Anyone. In a real sense.

It's getting rather lonely and depressing to think that time is passing me by, and no one's really seeing me as someone to stay with. It embeds in me the idea that, yes, you are that bad of an option, if you are even an option. Sigh.

Some people just can't seem to shut up >:( i hate assholes so don't mess with me you fucking idiot.

This work schedule thing is boring as fudge. Get ready every monday and lay low every friday. That feeling of anticipation just dissipates and the space it leaves gets filled with dread. Mondays.

it makes me wonder sometimes if something's wrong with me. i can't seem to be close enough to a person.
i do have my group of friends, and i value them very very much. they're my sisters. and i would do anything i can in case they need help. i hope, and i think, it's the same with them; they'd do anything for me too.
but "close"... this word... i can't seem to grasp it. i can't seem to be it with anyone. my group of friends, my "co-animals", they know my secrets. prolly not all, but most. if i didn't tell them a secret, it's prolly because i forgot all about it, or it would hurt them. but i think i just forgot it. anyway, i still don't feel like we're close enough.
sometimes it still feels like i'm faking something when i'm with them. i don't intend to fake anything, but it still feels that way. it still feels like i'm too distant, and even when i try and they try for us to be close, i still won't be close enough to them. and it's sad.

tape reels

i involuntarily look back at some moments in my life when i see random things i can relate to.
or, not exactly moments all the time. let's say, situations. statuses.

it just makes me realize some things. and it usually erases the smile.

i dunno. i just happen to notice the negatives a lot. like, how a block mate of mine is fully supported by her dad in her creative/artistic journeys. she's one of the best artists i know.
and how, in the end of "a good marriage", short story by stephen king, holt ramsey tells darce that she "did the right thing", and hugging her. just like that. and darce feels lighthearted afterward.
what else...
there are a lot of these moments. usually moments when i'm grinning ear to ear because of something i'm watching or experiencing. then suddenly this realization hits me, that i don't have this happy thing at home, and i just can't smile anymore.

i keep telling myself to be content with what i have. be content that my parents aren't fighting lately; probably tolerating each other as much as possible, just skirting the anger zone at most.
and that i should be content that i have all these material things, that my parents were in good standing when they had me, so that i can live almost normally now even with my diabetes.

"normally". HAH. who the heck are you joking.

and that i should be content with my job. be content with my life. my friends. (oh but my friends are the best. ever.) my... status. pretty much everything.

but there's the question of, how much contentment should one feel that s/he would still move forward in spite of the bliss s/he experiences, knowing that "forward" may mean the end of his/her bliss?

i dunno either.

i'll just go with the flow.

maybe it's a little different if i didn't have my sickness. i could just go away, live alone. find a job, earn some money to get me food and clothing and somewhere to live. just the necessary stuff. and i wouldn't be a burden to anyone.

but i guess i'm just being selfish, thinking this way.

ah. life.

something has just died within me.

so many words. i should learn to rein them all and hear them one by one.

why is it that when i do something, or when i am-

why is it that when i am being myself, something pops up to ruin it?

or maybe that is also a part of myself. and i am ruining myself. effortlessly too.

either i confine myself or i start learning to deal with it. deal with my stupidity. which i don't even know when it starts or stops. but i'm definitely affecting people. and i hate it so much. because for all the so-called discipline that i am trying to put on myself, these little things still seem to seep out at surprising times.

the smallest things.

i don't even know, or i'm not even sure, if i should be blaming myself.

the world seems to be getting smaller and smaller, and more unpredictable, and noisier.

.

i don't know what to blog.

oh, right. i broke my promise.

woulda put a LOL there, if i didn't consider it to be too serious.

i don't want to do that anymore. i feel really guilty. it's very degrading to both me and the host.

hah. i should remember not to. there are just these times that it's so hard to fight it.