ah. i rant about the same things over and over and over. gawd. i imagine people are tired of hearing or reading my rants. sorry. =.=;;;

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i have this funny feeling... i don't know if i'm right, of course. and i wouldn't even dare to ask.
it just... looks like it. sort of.
erm.
yeah.
let's see where this goes. maybe it's even nonexistent. i don't know yet. just my guts telling me something.
maybe i'm just assuming, but i don't know. i don't know.
i have to learn to wait.

this funny feeling... how mutual is this... how accurate am i... how accurate is my intuition...

Guh. I hate when this impulse is trying to overcome me. The brain really is my biggest enemy. I should have more control over my impulses. I hate this weakness.

On the other hand... I feel like I'm changing. And in my own perspective, it's not for the better. It's like I'm becoming more... violent, or vengeful, or angsty. I keep thinking of the more violent ways when trying to solve problems or conflicts.

I'm not like this before. I had always been very calm about stuff before. But now... it feels different. I don't like this but somehow, it is also very addicting. It's like letting go of all stress and problematic thoughts. It's very easy to commit, because it's simply impulsive.

I'm losing myself :(

So many things to say. But i can't think of them all when the space faces me. Hehe.

Ok, here it is. Whatever i can still remember.

Oh, i have thought of writing a blog post for hiddles. Lol wtf. I imagined i made a public letter of sorts in the hopes that it would reach him. Umm... well, i dont have the guts to actually do it anyway haha. Gooshness. But, sometimes i imagine it would be nice to be friends with him maybe. Then again, i don't really know what his personality would be. Oh i'm just dreaming lol. You do have a handsome face though, mr. Hiddleston. Yep you do.

What else...

This courting thing is annoying me lol. I feel like the suitor is being fake to his target. It just isn't natural. I wish they just developed from friends to lovers, no real courting process. I just don't understand it.

Next...

What am i doing with my life. I can't describe the lowness i am currently feeling. It's just so... pathetic. I feel so useless and... so without purpose. Like i was just born to annoy the hell outta people. Sometimes i try to imagine grand situations where they, and i, suddenly find out that, maybe i'm a long lost princess of china, or i'm the next resurrection, or i'm an otherworldly being kept in a human body. Lol so much for aspiring. I really just want to feel important to someone. Anyone. In a real sense.

It's getting rather lonely and depressing to think that time is passing me by, and no one's really seeing me as someone to stay with. It embeds in me the idea that, yes, you are that bad of an option, if you are even an option. Sigh.

Some people just can't seem to shut up >:( i hate assholes so don't mess with me you fucking idiot.

This work schedule thing is boring as fudge. Get ready every monday and lay low every friday. That feeling of anticipation just dissipates and the space it leaves gets filled with dread. Mondays.

it makes me wonder sometimes if something's wrong with me. i can't seem to be close enough to a person.
i do have my group of friends, and i value them very very much. they're my sisters. and i would do anything i can in case they need help. i hope, and i think, it's the same with them; they'd do anything for me too.
but "close"... this word... i can't seem to grasp it. i can't seem to be it with anyone. my group of friends, my "co-animals", they know my secrets. prolly not all, but most. if i didn't tell them a secret, it's prolly because i forgot all about it, or it would hurt them. but i think i just forgot it. anyway, i still don't feel like we're close enough.
sometimes it still feels like i'm faking something when i'm with them. i don't intend to fake anything, but it still feels that way. it still feels like i'm too distant, and even when i try and they try for us to be close, i still won't be close enough to them. and it's sad.

tape reels

i involuntarily look back at some moments in my life when i see random things i can relate to.
or, not exactly moments all the time. let's say, situations. statuses.

it just makes me realize some things. and it usually erases the smile.

i dunno. i just happen to notice the negatives a lot. like, how a block mate of mine is fully supported by her dad in her creative/artistic journeys. she's one of the best artists i know.
and how, in the end of "a good marriage", short story by stephen king, holt ramsey tells darce that she "did the right thing", and hugging her. just like that. and darce feels lighthearted afterward.
what else...
there are a lot of these moments. usually moments when i'm grinning ear to ear because of something i'm watching or experiencing. then suddenly this realization hits me, that i don't have this happy thing at home, and i just can't smile anymore.

i keep telling myself to be content with what i have. be content that my parents aren't fighting lately; probably tolerating each other as much as possible, just skirting the anger zone at most.
and that i should be content that i have all these material things, that my parents were in good standing when they had me, so that i can live almost normally now even with my diabetes.

"normally". HAH. who the heck are you joking.

and that i should be content with my job. be content with my life. my friends. (oh but my friends are the best. ever.) my... status. pretty much everything.

but there's the question of, how much contentment should one feel that s/he would still move forward in spite of the bliss s/he experiences, knowing that "forward" may mean the end of his/her bliss?

i dunno either.

i'll just go with the flow.

maybe it's a little different if i didn't have my sickness. i could just go away, live alone. find a job, earn some money to get me food and clothing and somewhere to live. just the necessary stuff. and i wouldn't be a burden to anyone.

but i guess i'm just being selfish, thinking this way.

ah. life.

something has just died within me.

so many words. i should learn to rein them all and hear them one by one.

why is it that when i do something, or when i am-

why is it that when i am being myself, something pops up to ruin it?

or maybe that is also a part of myself. and i am ruining myself. effortlessly too.

either i confine myself or i start learning to deal with it. deal with my stupidity. which i don't even know when it starts or stops. but i'm definitely affecting people. and i hate it so much. because for all the so-called discipline that i am trying to put on myself, these little things still seem to seep out at surprising times.

the smallest things.

i don't even know, or i'm not even sure, if i should be blaming myself.

the world seems to be getting smaller and smaller, and more unpredictable, and noisier.

.

i don't know what to blog.

oh, right. i broke my promise.

woulda put a LOL there, if i didn't consider it to be too serious.

i don't want to do that anymore. i feel really guilty. it's very degrading to both me and the host.

hah. i should remember not to. there are just these times that it's so hard to fight it.

That feeling of wanting to be needed.

During very random times.

What sort of joke is my life?

They say that how you view your life is just that: it's just how you view it. Changing your views means changing your life.

But, much as i want to change mine, i just don't see any reason to change it.

Love cats but allergic to them. Wanna try extreme. sports but is diabetic. Wanna do art stuff and fashion stuff and maybe become famous but too scared. And maybe, no background at all. And, the idea that your relatives only ever entered the business of art with the idea that the trends will dictate what will sell, not that they dictate the trends.

And then, just now, watching a kitty vis. Sweet cat.

I wish someone, anyone, treated me that way. Needed and loved. Not the needy bitchy sort. Just needed. Just someone. Who would feel that they actually lost something when i'm gone.