so frustrating.

im always affected whenever my crush (whoever it may be at that time) is somewhere near. im always affected in a way that makes me feel hopeless and happy and dumped and paralyzed, all at the same time. it's like i'm there, and all i need to do is flirt, but i can't because that's my system. i DON'T flirt. so what happens? i can only watch him. him with the impeccable smile.

so frustrating.

because i know that nothing will happen again to what i feel. it's 99.9% impossible for him to see me for who i am and appreciate it. because he's of "a different kind" and of "a different level". because i'm not the socialite type of girl. because i don't wear skinny jeans and make-up, and iron-twirl my hair. because i can never be his type. and i never will be. i refuse to change for cause of love.

so frustrating. *cry*

Caleruega getaway done

just got home from Caleruega. twas a nice trip, 3 days 2 nights. fun and spooky. love the spooks. hahaha.

but... i am getting pissed off at HIM. that stupid, immature, opportunistic, commanding little nuthead. gago talaga yun. i hope he becomes more conscious of his actions and of other people's feelings.

and then, the other guy, who actually "usually" isn't my type... i am suddenly appreciating him. he's really nice and handsome (no, he's not the type you call "cute".... grr... stupid fangirls.) right now, i think i just appreciate who he is. im not sure if he's already my crush coz i.. i don't know, he just isn't yet. i don't know if he will become my crush. but i kind of miss seeing him. oh well. let's see what happens. (then again, maybe it's because we now talk, unlike before when we didn't.)

i want to be free

mahirap maging peke. mahirap din maging sinungaling. pero mas mahirap yung di mo alam kung me kasalanan ka o wala pero nakokonsyensya ka parin. so eto nalang at isusulat ko lahat ng nakakabagabag sakin.

nung birthday party mo AUDREY di ako makapunta dahil, oo, sayang sa oras. ang course ko hindi natututunan at hindi binabasa o sinusulat. i need lots of time for it because painting consumes tons of time, esp. when it's on a canvas board at least 16"x20" in size. so, no, di ako nagsisinungaling nun. at di ako nun nagkamali ng pagsalita. nagkamali lang ako na nasabi ko yun sa mama mo at baka isipan nya ng mali yung ibig kong sabihin. so SORRY.

yung mga barka-barkada eklatan nung high school AUDREY at MEL at BARKADA NI PAMELA, nung mga oras na nagtatawagan tayo ng "ahas" sa likod ng isa't-isa at nagngingitian sa harap, nung mga oras na yon wala talaga akong kaaway. bakit? eh ganon eh. wala talaga kong mahanap na kaaway. kung tinuturing nyo akong isang ahas o traydor o balimbing o ano pa man, sige tatanggapin ko, pero para sakin hindi nun ibigsabihin na kakampi-slash-kaaway ang state ko sa iba't ibang grupo. and ibigsabihin nun sakin eh binabalimbing ko ang sarili ko. bakit ako tatawag ng ahas sa isang tao kung di ko naman sya kaaway? at wala nga akong kaaway, so sinong pwedeng maging ahas? di ko naman sinasabi na wala ni isa sa inyo ang nakasakit sakin lalo ka na JI-HAE pero madali naman ako makalimot at magpatawad. hindi ako mahilig mag name-call. so SORRY sa lahat ng nasaksak ko sa likod ng tinidor, este balisawsaw. ay mali balisong pala.

dun naman kay MARGARETTE (sorry di ko maalala kung pano ispell yung pangalan mo), oo may galit pa ako. bakit? biruin mo, ikaw yung unang nagsabi na PEKE AKO, at sa mali pang pagkakataon. alam ko meron akong grade na binago dati, di ko pa yun nakakalimutan, pero yung script na yon at yung bow pagkatapos ng presentation gawa ko yun, sariling gawa, kasama si brylle. tapos tatawagin mong PEKE?? anong KARAPATAN mo? may pa "megz" "megz" ka pang nalalaman eh nanay mo lang naman ang namimilit na ganyan ang itawag sayo. SORRY ha pero masama talaga loob ko hanggang ngayon. pero wag ka mag-alala di ako yung tipong nananabunot para mang-eskandalo.

dun naman sa binura ko daw yung spelling ko (para ata sa salitang gobernador, "v" daw nilagay ko instead of "b"), i don't ever remember kung binura ko nga yon, although i'm SURE that i can IMAGINE doing something like that. bakit? di ko alam. siguro dahil narin sa nagdududa narin ako sa sarili ko kung binura ko ba yun o hinde. may ilang beses din akong sumubok mandaya ng grade dahil mataas ang expectation ng mga magulang ko sakin, pero kung ako lang, di ko gagawing mandaya.

all these years i learned to face things as they are, then think up a solution to solve them if they are considered to be "problems". all these years i also learned to accept people as they are: get near if you click, go far if you don't. simple as that. bakit? kasi pag kinalaban mo yung ganong gawain ang una mo naring ginagawa eh tinatraydor mo ang sarili mo. and i resent doing it, making an enemy of myself during high school just to gain friends. i didn't need to do that. i just though i was alone. but now i'm not. and even if my past is bittersweet, i still won't regret living it up, because my past has made me better now, and will make me the best in the future.

nakita ko at nakaramdam ako ng kaunting kaunting inggit at mas malaking lungkot. syempre naman wala akong binatbat sa kasama nya. nainggit ako dahil close sila. pero mas nalungkot ako, knowing that i have no chance at all, kahit katiting. alam kong hanggang tingin nalang ako. hanggang masid lang. hanggang sa may tumayo na sa pinapangarap kong lugar o kalagayan, masid parin ang kaya kong gawin at wala nang iba. hindi ba, nakakapanghinayang? nakikita mo pero wala kang magawa. may nakikita kang natutuwa at may lakas kang magpasaya ng iba, pero ang sarili mo, hanggang kalungkutan lang ang naaabot. hay. miserable nga naman talaga ang buhay.

manhid. manhid ka, kaya magpapamanhid nalang din ako.

as written on 17.06.08:

Gusto ko na to matapos pero di ko alam pano. Iba kasi yung inuutos ko sa sarili ko kumpara sa kutob ko. Lilipat ba sila? Lilipat ba ako? Di ko alam... Parang di naman kasi kailangan... Ayun nanaman. D ko alam kung sakin yun nakatingin o mali ako...

as written on 06.13.08:

I'm tired of life. Why endure so much pain? To learn? What do you learn from suffering? [We probably have a 90% chance of learning about vengeance, and a 10% chance of learning about the virtue of perseverance.] Nothing. Nothing good. It's useless. Things come as they would, and they will, no matter what you do. All we need is trust/faith in things to come, and resourcefulness to accept these things, to go through them with heads whether up or down. But nobody realizes these things. Nobody sees what is there, only what they want to see.

yes im crushing on a teacher. jeezus. DX

the nerds. hahahahah.

i fall so easily a smile would send me across the world's diameter.

another one. stalk stalk stalk. my bad.

i don't feel any signals. it's just me. i hope this passes easily, but seeing as im writing about it now, i don't think it will.

smile for me. it'll make my day much better and happier.

ooh. you got my number. hahahaha. from whom... must be from Juggernaut (with the half-pony). bad me hahaha. hope it gets used more than just for temporary educational lapses.

ah. love. makes the world move 'round. stupid is whoever that says love makes the world GO round. (edit: ok im wrong. my statement is the STUPID one. sorry.)

it's all love and water. and the push or pull that makes everything move.

it's always like this. nothing will come out of... this. maybe NOBODY listens to me anyway. i might be destined to be an old maid/hopeless romantic. not like i have a problem with that :)

what have i done?

ever since i came to CFAD, i could already feel the pressure of being the only one in my whole family to do so. and the pressure is, i say, immense. my mother's family mostly work for banks, or take up CPA or accounting, or take other courses but end up in banks and law offices anyway. my dad's side, they studied in xavier and lasalle. i think it was only in my generation that some studied in ust, mostly taking up business- or science- or engineering-related courses. i have a cousin there who studied fine arts but left after 1 year. so, i'm the only one who actually took this course seriously, and who would like to graduate with a BS Fine Arts Major in Advertising Arts. and given the chance, i'd like to have a masteral degree, and a second major (if in the phils, maybe psychology; if in another country, i'd love criminology or aeronautics or archeology... such dreams...) so, to conclude everything, these people have successful money-laden lives, while i'm still trotting the trot and i can't even see the road before me.

and now that i'm starting to actually fulfill my dreams (not to mention that i'm already in my third year in this course), i'm getting all sissy. i'm scared that i might not fulfill the expectations they have for me, which might result in something like rejection. i'm scared that i won't pass this course, which makes me a friggin failure. i'm scared that they would think that i'm wasting the efforts of my already geriatric parents, and that would make me look like an ingrata. i'm scared because i have some nephews who call themselves "frustrated artists", and it might seem that i was given the chance but did not cherish it, and it should have been theirs.

i feel like backing out. i'm scared. i'm so f***ing scared right now.

you must be bored nutless right now.

unless a person learns to accept everything as it is, he/she will always be in hell.