something has just died within me.

so many words. i should learn to rein them all and hear them one by one.

why is it that when i do something, or when i am-

why is it that when i am being myself, something pops up to ruin it?

or maybe that is also a part of myself. and i am ruining myself. effortlessly too.

either i confine myself or i start learning to deal with it. deal with my stupidity. which i don't even know when it starts or stops. but i'm definitely affecting people. and i hate it so much. because for all the so-called discipline that i am trying to put on myself, these little things still seem to seep out at surprising times.

the smallest things.

i don't even know, or i'm not even sure, if i should be blaming myself.

the world seems to be getting smaller and smaller, and more unpredictable, and noisier.

.

i don't know what to blog.

oh, right. i broke my promise.

woulda put a LOL there, if i didn't consider it to be too serious.

i don't want to do that anymore. i feel really guilty. it's very degrading to both me and the host.

hah. i should remember not to. there are just these times that it's so hard to fight it.

That feeling of wanting to be needed.

During very random times.

What sort of joke is my life?

They say that how you view your life is just that: it's just how you view it. Changing your views means changing your life.

But, much as i want to change mine, i just don't see any reason to change it.

Love cats but allergic to them. Wanna try extreme. sports but is diabetic. Wanna do art stuff and fashion stuff and maybe become famous but too scared. And maybe, no background at all. And, the idea that your relatives only ever entered the business of art with the idea that the trends will dictate what will sell, not that they dictate the trends.

And then, just now, watching a kitty vis. Sweet cat.

I wish someone, anyone, treated me that way. Needed and loved. Not the needy bitchy sort. Just needed. Just someone. Who would feel that they actually lost something when i'm gone.

is there still any meaning to life when you find that you don't need anything anymore?

"need" being a symbol of the totality of... gosh this is hard to explain. lol

"need" symbolizing everything you have/want in your life. everything.

need to share. need for food. need for friends. need for love. need TO love. need to teach. need to learn. need to reach out. need to sleep. need to drink. need to help. need to...

need to need.

kinda makes us sound demanding lol

but again,

this need. all these needs.

even the need to sleep.

what if it just came to you like it was a totally involuntary thing?
you know how we need to eat/sleep/drink to be able to live.
but what if somehow it became like a totally normal thing, a totally uncontrollable thing.
at 8pm you go to sleep.
at 3am (prolly) you wake up to pee.
at 8am you wake up and do your morning stuff, bathe eat whatever else.
at 12nn you eat lunch.
at 3pm you have a snack.
at 6pm you have dinner.
at 8pm you go to sleep.
and... all of that, as something routine. something you cannot control. something you do without having to think. something your instincts tell you to do and you cannot go against.

while in between these times, you have all the freedom to do what you want.
oh you could kill yourself if you want to.

but is this still called life?

i suppose if it comes to summin like this, "life" would become, in itself, your "suicide".
IF you have no other needs to dawdle on.
"suicide" becomes the only... description, of your "life".

there is a difference between what you perceive yourself to be, who you really are, and how people see you.

and as much as i wish to be the fast moving assassin with secrets to keep, in real life, i am just another human being creating a fantastical image of myself.

in truth, well, i'm not really clumsy as fuck, and i believe my reflexes are pretty fast, maybe kinda fast, but the way i perceive myself might still be light years away from who i really am.

so... yeah. grounded. must keep grounded.

and then, there's the question of, what if thinking of yourself as smart means that you're dumb?

i think i read that somewhere, or maybe something with the same context.

so where exactly does "humility" end, and where does "being self-aware" belong, and where does "boastfulness" begin?

i need to be enlightened.

Blog. Hai.

Oo. Minsan hinahanap ko din yung male companion ko. Di ko pa nga alam kung sino sya. At kung sakali e iniintay nya rin ba ko.
As in di ko talaga sya kilala.
Nakakapagod din mag-intay ah. Di mo alam kung kelan dadating. Actually, di mo alam kung may dadating ba. At tipo mo ba sya o andyan lang sya para punan ang pwesto ng pagiging partner boyfriend asawa mo.
Gusto ko rin po siya makilala. Di ko alam kung handa na ko o kung kelan pa ko magiging handa. Pero gusto ko sya makilala. Para meron din akong rason para magising tuwing umaga...

So i'm nuts again. This is the feeling i missed so much. But it will be gone soon. "He" will be gone soon. Oh wait. He won't. But my stupidity will be gone soon. Yep. And i will miss it once again.

Where the heck is he?? Or maybe he doesn't exist, just like this one doesn't. They're the same sort. Someone you dream of but cannot have anyway. Well, maybe in some realms. Lol. Dream on.

so i would like to document my experience through the realms of porn.

my friend introduced me to it. it wasn't anything dirty. she just happened to like reading manga and sometimes she chances upon mild stuff that leads her to hentai sites. so i was first introduced to hentai. and then out of mere curiosity i learned of the existence of bestiality and fantasy and hardcore, etc etc. also learned later on that there are some sites that just deal with fetishes and some that just deal with the fantasy of being raped.

side comment: humans, and i am speaking as one, are weird.

i did go thru several stuff of porn, including games, just to know what makes em click so much.

of all the stuff i saw, i just learned one thing: porn is NOT like life. it just lacks... vitality? i dunno. i can't really term it. but it's so... flat. maybe some get turned on by what's happening in front of them but... in the end, i think what makes porn click is that it makes you yearn for the warmth of the real thing. and since most likely, none is available, you continue watching more porn, in search of that human warmth.

how can i say that? well, i get tired after watching the start of a few clips. you watch one, you've watched it all. it's always, always empty.

I just realized, that it's almost 2012, and i'm still single, and i'm still looking for something, and i'm still as indecisive as ever, and i'm still as scared as ever.

I don't know if i'm hopeless, or if now is the right time to be hopeful.

i was studying in this university. the univ has this really huge, or well, fat building with 4 floors. all white walls and several staircases. i don't recall it having elevators. if i estimated it right, it has 3 main staircases, and 2 at each end serving as fire escapes.

i was in my P.E. class at that time. no classroom really, just a... gym of some sort, or large session hall with no particular seating order. but i'm not exactly sure because my surroundings sometimes shift to that of a windowed hall; and then to a room with many windows, letting sunlight get in, and a blackboard in front; and then to a huge communal bathroom with white tiled walls and several showers separated by, again, white tiled walls. but no curtains to cover the showering person. the bathroom also has several really huge bath tubs, and by huge i mean you can lie in it head to foot and sink in 2ft of water. tubs were also white, with silver faucets and handles.

so i was in P.E. class, and i can't see who the professor/instructor is, but what i know is that i had to marry someone or else . no i can't remember why i had to marry someone.

i was staying in a dorm at that time with 1 of my high school classmates; a girl we nickname Jeca. just note the name.

so yeah, my goal is to get someone to agree to be my husband/pair. at that time, Jeca and i were considered a pair because we were both staying in the same room in the dorm. but i went to find my former crush, Jay, and ask him if he would agree to be my pair. i found him in a classroom, same one i described earlier with a black board and many windows. he agreed. HE AGREED. (mga kaklase ko lang makakaintindi kung bat ako na-shock)

so, since he agreed, i had to tell Jeca that we can't be the required pairing. i told her about it and she was like, "ok! goodbye then!", waving her hands at me and walking away.

then the dream ended.