so i would like to document my experience through the realms of porn.

my friend introduced me to it. it wasn't anything dirty. she just happened to like reading manga and sometimes she chances upon mild stuff that leads her to hentai sites. so i was first introduced to hentai. and then out of mere curiosity i learned of the existence of bestiality and fantasy and hardcore, etc etc. also learned later on that there are some sites that just deal with fetishes and some that just deal with the fantasy of being raped.

side comment: humans, and i am speaking as one, are weird.

i did go thru several stuff of porn, including games, just to know what makes em click so much.

of all the stuff i saw, i just learned one thing: porn is NOT like life. it just lacks... vitality? i dunno. i can't really term it. but it's so... flat. maybe some get turned on by what's happening in front of them but... in the end, i think what makes porn click is that it makes you yearn for the warmth of the real thing. and since most likely, none is available, you continue watching more porn, in search of that human warmth.

how can i say that? well, i get tired after watching the start of a few clips. you watch one, you've watched it all. it's always, always empty.

I just realized, that it's almost 2012, and i'm still single, and i'm still looking for something, and i'm still as indecisive as ever, and i'm still as scared as ever.

I don't know if i'm hopeless, or if now is the right time to be hopeful.

i was studying in this university. the univ has this really huge, or well, fat building with 4 floors. all white walls and several staircases. i don't recall it having elevators. if i estimated it right, it has 3 main staircases, and 2 at each end serving as fire escapes.

i was in my P.E. class at that time. no classroom really, just a... gym of some sort, or large session hall with no particular seating order. but i'm not exactly sure because my surroundings sometimes shift to that of a windowed hall; and then to a room with many windows, letting sunlight get in, and a blackboard in front; and then to a huge communal bathroom with white tiled walls and several showers separated by, again, white tiled walls. but no curtains to cover the showering person. the bathroom also has several really huge bath tubs, and by huge i mean you can lie in it head to foot and sink in 2ft of water. tubs were also white, with silver faucets and handles.

so i was in P.E. class, and i can't see who the professor/instructor is, but what i know is that i had to marry someone or else . no i can't remember why i had to marry someone.

i was staying in a dorm at that time with 1 of my high school classmates; a girl we nickname Jeca. just note the name.

so yeah, my goal is to get someone to agree to be my husband/pair. at that time, Jeca and i were considered a pair because we were both staying in the same room in the dorm. but i went to find my former crush, Jay, and ask him if he would agree to be my pair. i found him in a classroom, same one i described earlier with a black board and many windows. he agreed. HE AGREED. (mga kaklase ko lang makakaintindi kung bat ako na-shock)

so, since he agreed, i had to tell Jeca that we can't be the required pairing. i told her about it and she was like, "ok! goodbye then!", waving her hands at me and walking away.

then the dream ended.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

www.colorquiz.com

Your Existing Situation

"Seeking for her own identity, is sensitive and seeks close nurturing relationships and environments. Has an eye for beauty and a desire to have her emotions protected and further developed."

Your Stress Sources

"Unfulfilled hopes have left her feeling uncertain and even a little fearful about the future. Needs to feel secure and avoid further disappointment; fears she will be looked over, lose her position, or lose respect. Has little hope that things will get better in time and her negative attitude leads her to place impossible demands on others or to compromise or bargain."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."

Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. she is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome her lack of energy and may become irritable if she does not recover.

"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."

Your Desired Objective

"Is intimidated by the activities going on around her. Conflict and disagreements tend to drain her and therefore she avoids those situations. Often times she will hide with plans and goals from others, because she fears they will openly attack her. she works out her plans in private so as not to cause any problems or trouble with others."

Your Actual Problem

"Inability to reach her goals, she is afraid to create or pursue new goals because she fears the rejection and let down they may cause her. she is feeling anxious and escapes by withdrawing into herself and protecting her emotions leaving her moody and depressed."

floating oblivion - bernice [cat meows] on Plurk: "sometimes i feel like deep inside i'm becoming colder towards everything. like this is just a facade that i have no intention of faking."

yeah. that's how it feels. not all the time of course, but... most of the time. like... like i'm automatically hiding things because i feel they are not suited for sharing to everyone.

i feel like, there are always eyes watching my every move. even my laughs. i think i only forget the eyes when i'm really really angry. but by then i'm mindful of how i'm acting, because i don't want my discipline to break. i don't want to go to that little zone where i KNOW i will destroy things out of anger. literally. i broke my glasses once, and once also almost broke a cloth hanger. i don't have any personality disorders, but i'm really holding back a lot when i'm angry. i think i might destroy doors.

i think that's the result of being... corked up all my life. the result of being what someone else wants me to be, and me following those orders. i can say that i don't have any direction right now other than to be a-a "therapy dog". you know, help the elderly/disabled do chores, do what needs to be done, nothing else besides that. and i think it's because i didn't grow up exposed to stuff like that. seriously, my parents never gave me weekly allowances, only gave me like P300 and then until it disappeared i'm not going to get more. i have no idea how to "use" money, to "save" money, money limits and stuff. i don't know how to commute other than by taxi or maybe 1-ride jeepney stops. i taught myself to talk with waiters because if i didn't, i'd have sweated dead ordering ice cream.

you see how stupid that is?

and now that i'm trying to learn what i can, the eyes suddenly produce mouths and the mouths keep commenting about what i do. it's like everything i do is going to undergo evaluation, because the eyes don't trust me enough that i will do well in whatever i'm doing.

i'm tired.

i'm happy when i'm talking with friends, sharing stuff with them, making them laugh, making them snort, doing stuff with them, debating with them, sharing opinions, sharing feelings, having good laughs, learning about each other's stupidities, etc etc etc. it's so lovely when it's like that. it's so... unreserved. so calm and relaxed. it's so natural. no pretenses required, intended or unintended.

i wish everything went like that for me. maybe, in a way, i'm also paranoid. but it has a cause. :(

i don't know what exactly pushed me to return to my treadmill. but i'm quite bent on doing this everyday.

maybe changes are coming. i really hope so.

so many kitties... so beautiful.

and nobody wants them.

i don't understand :(

here i am, loving them so much, trying to care for them if i can, but i can't touch them :/

the world, life, isn't fair. at all.

saving up

why do people value their lives so much?

it's a... kinda rhetorical question. depending on who's reading/asked. but it's not rhetorical for me.

it's been years since i found out that, if you are diabetic, your supposed life span has 27 years deducted from it. so if i were normally to live to 80yrs old, now i will only get to 53yrs old.

that fact... it makes me hope for my early death. gary valenciano is purported by doctors to be living a miraculously (maybe a bit of an overrated adjective) long life. he got his diagnosis at 14. if i'm right, i think he may be at his 40's now. that makes about 26/+ years of living with diabetes.

i got my diagnosis when i was 8yrs old. if i were to base my life span on gary v's, or just the possibility of it, i may live (8 + approx 25 =) 33 years on this existence, and that would be phenomenal already.

meh.

i dunno... this fact just makes me tired of living. i mean, i'm not that eager anymore to, like, learn new stuff, or actually study new stuff, get involved with things, push myself to excellence, etc etc. because, if my life will be this short, what use would it be learn/share/experience? i'm very much contented with what i'm experiencing now, really. i do have a lot of things i want to try, but i think they're not much of a motivation anymore, since... since even if i did experience it, i might not be able to share it with anyone anyway, even to future children and grandchildren if there are any in my "normal" future.

i just want people to see me as i am.

some people would probably think, "ah. if that's what you want, then why aren't you trying to experience new things, just to let people know that THAT is who you are?" well, i don't, because i don't want my experiences to overshadow who i really am. in normal circumstances. without the prompting of inescapable/uncontrollable situations. i want people to know me as how i respond to what comes to me naturally. and i want them to see that me defenses are pure and true (was thinking noble, but no. hah.), and yes, it is defenses i intend to type. defending is a reaction, you know. you don't defend against something that doesn't exist/prompt you to defend against.

so, why is my title like that? i've been talking about myself and my disease for several paragraphs already.

my title's like that, because i have a lot of classmates whose goals are to get rich or die trying (cliche lol). they want to get rich because they're going to spend their savings on vacations, sports, collections, vanity, fun, and maybe unconsciously, for their old selves. they will do anything to save up tons of money, and later on splurge it on stuff they love or love to do. it's like it's wired up in their heads that, "i am going to have the time of my life after i save up millions, and when i get old, i'll just hire somebody to feed me. they'd even get 24th month pay."

but what if they had my disease? what if, at an early age, they are told that their lives are gonna be 27 years lesser than normal? what if they are told that they won't be dying of diabetes, but of the complications it brings with it? that there is a possibility that they will get blind, wreck their livers, block their kidneys, get into coma, just for eating ice cream or candies, and all/some of those diseases possibly coming at an early age? how would they think about life?

would they even think about having a fun future and growing old graciously?

How To Steal Like An Artist (And 9 Other Things Nobody Told Me) - Austin Kleon

How To Steal Like An Artist (And 9 Other Things Nobody Told Me) - Austin Kleon

this is a friggin inspiration booster. this is going to push me far. i just hope i don't keep resisting.

thanks so much Austin Kleon.