saving up

why do people value their lives so much?

it's a... kinda rhetorical question. depending on who's reading/asked. but it's not rhetorical for me.

it's been years since i found out that, if you are diabetic, your supposed life span has 27 years deducted from it. so if i were normally to live to 80yrs old, now i will only get to 53yrs old.

that fact... it makes me hope for my early death. gary valenciano is purported by doctors to be living a miraculously (maybe a bit of an overrated adjective) long life. he got his diagnosis at 14. if i'm right, i think he may be at his 40's now. that makes about 26/+ years of living with diabetes.

i got my diagnosis when i was 8yrs old. if i were to base my life span on gary v's, or just the possibility of it, i may live (8 + approx 25 =) 33 years on this existence, and that would be phenomenal already.

meh.

i dunno... this fact just makes me tired of living. i mean, i'm not that eager anymore to, like, learn new stuff, or actually study new stuff, get involved with things, push myself to excellence, etc etc. because, if my life will be this short, what use would it be learn/share/experience? i'm very much contented with what i'm experiencing now, really. i do have a lot of things i want to try, but i think they're not much of a motivation anymore, since... since even if i did experience it, i might not be able to share it with anyone anyway, even to future children and grandchildren if there are any in my "normal" future.

i just want people to see me as i am.

some people would probably think, "ah. if that's what you want, then why aren't you trying to experience new things, just to let people know that THAT is who you are?" well, i don't, because i don't want my experiences to overshadow who i really am. in normal circumstances. without the prompting of inescapable/uncontrollable situations. i want people to know me as how i respond to what comes to me naturally. and i want them to see that me defenses are pure and true (was thinking noble, but no. hah.), and yes, it is defenses i intend to type. defending is a reaction, you know. you don't defend against something that doesn't exist/prompt you to defend against.

so, why is my title like that? i've been talking about myself and my disease for several paragraphs already.

my title's like that, because i have a lot of classmates whose goals are to get rich or die trying (cliche lol). they want to get rich because they're going to spend their savings on vacations, sports, collections, vanity, fun, and maybe unconsciously, for their old selves. they will do anything to save up tons of money, and later on splurge it on stuff they love or love to do. it's like it's wired up in their heads that, "i am going to have the time of my life after i save up millions, and when i get old, i'll just hire somebody to feed me. they'd even get 24th month pay."

but what if they had my disease? what if, at an early age, they are told that their lives are gonna be 27 years lesser than normal? what if they are told that they won't be dying of diabetes, but of the complications it brings with it? that there is a possibility that they will get blind, wreck their livers, block their kidneys, get into coma, just for eating ice cream or candies, and all/some of those diseases possibly coming at an early age? how would they think about life?

would they even think about having a fun future and growing old graciously?