what have i done?

ever since i came to CFAD, i could already feel the pressure of being the only one in my whole family to do so. and the pressure is, i say, immense. my mother's family mostly work for banks, or take up CPA or accounting, or take other courses but end up in banks and law offices anyway. my dad's side, they studied in xavier and lasalle. i think it was only in my generation that some studied in ust, mostly taking up business- or science- or engineering-related courses. i have a cousin there who studied fine arts but left after 1 year. so, i'm the only one who actually took this course seriously, and who would like to graduate with a BS Fine Arts Major in Advertising Arts. and given the chance, i'd like to have a masteral degree, and a second major (if in the phils, maybe psychology; if in another country, i'd love criminology or aeronautics or archeology... such dreams...) so, to conclude everything, these people have successful money-laden lives, while i'm still trotting the trot and i can't even see the road before me.

and now that i'm starting to actually fulfill my dreams (not to mention that i'm already in my third year in this course), i'm getting all sissy. i'm scared that i might not fulfill the expectations they have for me, which might result in something like rejection. i'm scared that i won't pass this course, which makes me a friggin failure. i'm scared that they would think that i'm wasting the efforts of my already geriatric parents, and that would make me look like an ingrata. i'm scared because i have some nephews who call themselves "frustrated artists", and it might seem that i was given the chance but did not cherish it, and it should have been theirs.

i feel like backing out. i'm scared. i'm so f***ing scared right now.

you must be bored nutless right now.

unless a person learns to accept everything as it is, he/she will always be in hell.

does it mean anything?

read: what do you do in a hospital when you aren't the one who needs to lie in?

mundus incognita

i always feel as if i need to change to be accepted. as if i have to make efforts for people to include me in what they do, or at least to make me their friend.

it's like an innate response to neglect. i don't want to change, i don't want to be what they want me to be, and yet it comes to my head to do so.

i'm trying my hardest to keep from being like that. i don't want people to see me as someones else, then later on put me off just because i'm showing my real side. being accepted NEEDS to be effortless. there is a difference between being a friend and belonging.

what use is it to be branded as a social butterfly when you can't keep the brand anyway? or... not necessarily a social butterfly, even just being branded as belonging to a certain group.

i mean... it's like you're a cow, and you'd have to belong to a certain clan to be "branded" and singed with hot iron. i don't see the benefit at all. what, that you'd be protected from the pack of wolves? no. the farmer gets to keep himself safe while you see your group mates being eaten by the wolves, and wonder when your time to be eaten will come. add to that, you don't really have the feelings of companionship and brotherhood for the group, only for yourself. so.. do you mourn? no you don't. you'll probably only mourn after you've been bitten.

yeah. neglect is the best way to put me off.

it's been almost a week now. maybe two.

how do you describe feelings? how do you describe the innocent happiness and exultation that one feels after seeing someone who he/she wishes to know more?

what if i was only looking for a brother, but my eyesight is veiled by the idea of love? what if i only deserved a guardian, not a loved one?

it's not actually a question of what if. it's a question of discernment. how can i distinguish between love and the need for a mentor?

i have been acting like a stalker these past few days. i have seen a lot of... activity. he is everywhere. he is a link that binds a group to another group, a sort of bridge that has mediating and equalizing abilities.

how should i resist? it is charm. it is charm that i know has more a chance of downfall than a chance of success.

i am a girl. partly woman. i know how to love. but i still don't know when to stop loving.

heck. is it just me, or am i really incapable of connecting with anyone?

Who Am I?

I'm a rebel at heart.
I am an independent soul looking for the right time to be set free.

Whatever I do, I still remain a chameleon in the midst of a never-ending desert.
I'm your resident ghost.
I live but you'll never hear me breathing.
I work but you only see the results.
And I love, but you only see the friendship.

I'm good at hiding, and I'm good at hiding secrets.
If I'm your friend, then I'm your friend, and all the functional extensions that come with it.

I only speak to those who listen.

I am an antique wardrobe, so sturdy that I can even be your coffin.

I laugh at those who spite me; I think for them.
I cry for those who has no one else to cry for them.
I carry the burden of my world.
I might carry the burden of your world too, that is, if you permit me to.

I am selfish, I will not share the burden of charity.
I am jealous, I envy what envy others can give.

What is mine can be yours at a word.
What is yours will remain yours at my insistence.

My ears can be sponges, but not black holes.

I have the perfect formula for a time machine, but it will not work.
I speak in different tongues, I formulate by solar systems.

Do you understand me? I think not.

i learned that i don't like men younger than me. or at least thinks like a person younger than me.

im always attracted to those like me. the silent-types. (not that i'm silent even with friends, i mean silent with those i'm not close to.)

i've always been soloista. i just realized it now.

i just learned that im a tea drinker. i think i should have been born in england, where there's tea time and not coffee break. sometimes i wonder why everyone here in the philippines goes nuts over new breakthroughs from the USA. maybe we were bred to enjoy life for them who are too busy to appreciate life. i saw this commercial of an ngc program (i think...?) where an actress was asked, "whats the difference bet. new york and [place]", then the actress answers, "in [place, not sure if its new york or the other one], we actually swallow our food." just proves that people nowadays are waaaaaaaaay too busy to notice how good and healthy their food are, or that the moon is full and large tonight, or that somebody left a note on your desk that says "cheer up!", or anything along those lines, etc... it's a shame we don't understand anything else other than study, work, ambition, status, poor, rich, richer, and famous. such a shame.