i'm not ready for this yet
not yet

it feels so lonely having to travel this journey alone, knowing you have someone else offering to be with you.

I hope you're safe.. :(

I dreamed of you last night. I don't know what place it was but it had lots of people - kids? - running around, there were food stalls and houses in a large, open area and lots of people running around everywhere. The mood was kinda festive, i think.
I was sitting in a bed, with metal frames and a thin mattress. Reminds me of the beds in mental institutes, as portrayed in movies. And there was like a toy house, and i think i was playing with an orphan girl. Then she went out for a bit and came back with you. You also sat by the bed, sat at one end, and faced me and we just talked. Kamusta ka na, may hinahabol nga ako ngayon eh, sinabihan ko naman (something, memory blurry), etc.
You were happy, and you had long bangs? Strange, hehe. And i was happy too but i didn't want to... run over someone else's feelings, if you will. So we just casually talk. Just like before. A bit later the scene changes and i don't see you anymore.
I know though that if we ever meet again, it will not be like this. Because i don't know how to deal with the heartbreak of leaving you, of knowing it's not ever the same for you.

Do i have to keep suffering this?

I miss you and i wish i was better at conversations so i can still have a reason to talk to you. And we can talk about her because really all i wanna know is if you know and if you're happy.

I would love to know you more and be with you but as it is we seem to just be two twigs that met at the joining and left at the separating of a long river...

I'm not over you but my feelings have dwindled from love to sadness...

The thought of you sleeping soundly, without a care.. i somehow imagine that it looks so soothing. Like watching a sleeping cat. The serenity would lull me to sleep too.
I'm still sad about what's happening but this makes me smile. "Seeing" you calm, contented and nary a thought. This makes me think that you're happy right now, and that's fine. That's really okay with me.
I'll get on with life somehow. Piling up work distracts me well.

Bakit wala ka nung ako yun..?
Malamang nasa akin parin ang pagkukulang...

Sakit lang sa puso.
Sabagay, di rin naman ako makapagpundar kasi nga, di ko pa pwedeng diktahan yung sarili kong buhay...

Malungkot lang...

Parang bigla ka nalang namatay...
I think i'm grieving for you.
Sana lumipas na.
Ang tagal tagal na pero ambigat parin sa puso...

I only ask for a few things for christmas... a source of love - to give and to receive - and... to be remembered? I guess. But it's so hard to get these, no? It's so hard to... wish, to will, to become "someone's" priority, to mean something...
I've never felt so alone. Every christmas it gets worse. Would've been better if im actually alone.

I miss you, but it feels like youve suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth... or maybe i just cant see you through the woods anymore... youve gone off too far now. My heart is broken.

Self, don't be selfish.

I MISS YOU