I have this strange need to... talk? With someone, about something that i can't even clearly describe to myself. I'm not even sure what i would be talking about.
Also, i always sound boastful or a know-it-all when i talk, i find. I wish i could change that, stop myself before i start. I mean, i do think of my words, but... i guess part of that is the impulse to appear cool, or more belonging, or be easier to accept if you sound like you can confidently carry yourself. But that's a problem, because i won't be able to keep it up.
I have been imagining what would happen if i ever meet the former bff. The only thing i want to tell her is that she is wrong, that i never ever used her. I get angry just thinking about it. I know in my heart that i will never do that to anyone, but i feel like nothing i do will ever prove it. I feel like nothing i do will ever prove what i am/may be capable of doing, and what i will never do, even on my life...

Why the heck do i feel skittish
What am i even feeling anxious about
There's always the feeling of unfinished business. It makes me both anxious to finish sonething but also, because there's actually nothing to finish, sad and stagnant that i'm not doing anything.
Also, ffs self don't be so desperate. It's so humiliating and embarassing. You're not missing anything.
Or maybe you are, but what does it matter. You won't be able to act on anything currently anyway.

When did i lose interest in reading books and making art? I can't remember.

Ive been checking my astrology readings just for fun. Maybe it's you who's being pointed at with mentions of a love that cannot be attained, and yet i cling to.
I miss you still, but i'm not hoping for anything still. I do wonder what's happening with your life though.

Looked at my works in dA and they're so... painfully... bad.

i have a feeling of inadequacy about myself, towards things i want. things i'm curious about. or things or people i love. about jobs and skills.

but yet i have this certain level of vanity that won't get out of my head and my personality, no matter how annoyed i am by it.

it's a deadly combination that almost always ends up embarrassing me memorably. it scares me, but yet this stupidity that i carry unwillingly always haunts my every move and thought.

i wish it would just leave me be. i can live with being inadequate, but i hate this vanity.

How can you be cousins? How ARE you cousins? O_O
I'd be fcking floored

Merry Christmas, love.
You won't remember me like you don't remember the faces of people you pass by.
But you've left a mark with me that will always make itself remembered on moments like these.
I guess part of my melancholy is not being given the same importance as i do others. As i do you. But who's to blame? There's only me who should stand up for the non-reputation i have built of myself.

The whole shit was deleted
I just wrote that i missed your for a bit so i checked your ig, nothing new, but it made my chest ache
That theres been no one to equal you
That i feel like dying soon, as usual, and that i wanna go now because i dont think anyone cares anyway

No life.
I don't even know how to describe what i feel.
Sad seems like such a shallow word. Definitely not happy. (Although right now rather contented because still swaddled in my thick blanket.) Later it will be another direction-less day. I think sleeping the day off would be more productive.
I miss my old job. I miss feeling the buzz of deadlines and missions and the triumph of completion, seeing your work being ready to meet the world.
I also miss him but... at this point i shouldn't. There's no point to it anyway.
There's really no better word for this than "jail".