I imagine it would be nice to find people who are pretending to be experts in their field but are actually just as lost as i am...

I've been thinking. Been going to the hosp chapel to think.
I'm more scared about how things will go at home. I feel like padre's gonna be too pushy and mudra... well...
I've been feeling like this glass filled 5/8 with water and being continuously semi-boiled... like hot water but not hot enough to evaporate, and def not cold enough to freeze or settle.
It's honestly tiring.
For the nth time i wished that someone would just be there to catch me or support me.
I have a lot of support though, as in i can see all of em right now, and im grateful.
But you know when sometimes you make stupid blunders and you wish someone was there to watch and laugh with you afterwards... or cry with you, or comfort you, or bring some other perspective while being fully enlightened on all the happenings, and that it would be that kind of mutual support for each other through everything. I wish for that a lot.
You know i wish that during some of my solo thinking travels, someone would find me and just, plainly, understand. And i wish i could do the same for him.
I know that this sudden change is not about me.. and it does make me feel rather selfish for still having this kind of mindset... but sometimes you just want someone to be there in your time of need... and this is one of those times. And... yeah. Through all the support that i've gotten, i still feel like something is missing, and it's more emphasized at the moment...

Lay out the palette and drape yourself in colors of striking beauty
I love you, but im learning not to love you anymore
You are beautiful, and you will keep being beautiful, but i cannot keep on gawking at you, embarrassing myself and losing my self worth over the painful brilliance of your beauty...
It's a very slow goodbye, but i cannot turn back. I will not turn back.

No, doc. I'm not okay. I'm tired.
But it's not like anyone else would be willing to go days doing this.
All this while constantly hearing doors being shut in my face...

2 days. 2 days. More days...
Tired. My head is aching right now.
At least i'm done with the painting.
I miss you.

Day is nearing...

ó n ò

finally...

i'll just be back to how i was before...

Ayaw ko nang mahibang. Puñeta talaga. Masakit umasa sa wala. Katangahan ko lang puhunan ko. Akala ko lang naman kasi maganda yung pagkakaintindihan natin. Akala ko lang. Tanga lang talaga eh. Putanginang tanga ko lang talaga. Di ko alam kung maiiyak ako o magagalit. Parang wala akong... halaga? Well, wala naman talaga, ano ba iniisip ko. Kailan ba nagkaroon. Masakit lang talaga...

Months will pass. Things will change. Not everyone wants to get out of the drowning sea...

I have to stop loving you.

All i want is a bit of support, really... a bit of comfort... presence... im just so fucking tired...