do i still...?

i think i've seen it all now. not interested anymore. haha. curiosity bites to taste.

tsk tsk. bad new knowledge.

soooo... well not "so" confused. just a bit. but i'm done being naive.

you would have been sweet at times, but apparently everyone will FIRST look after what they need, and you needed someone to order around. that's not me. sorry.

you seem to say that you're needing me? or maybe miss me? i don't know where your loyalty lies and up to where your boundaries are. and apparently having a girlfriend isn't enough for you. you'd sacrifice her insecurities just to get what you want, which, up to now i can only decipher as 2 things: (1) need for control, or (2) need for acceptance.

we're friends, isn't that enough? it's not like i owe you anything worth my life. it's not like i owe you anything at all. and i mean, after all that? after feeling like i'm such a "desperate case", you still expect me to be the same?

your. girlfriend. is. having. jealousy. problems. even now that i'm not contacting you. so what the fuck, are you dirtying my name?

i think you have serious control issues.

no, don't expect anything sweet from me anymore. don't even expect me to be warm to you. i found out about a month ago that you weren't worth all the warmth in the world. you're simply selfish.

i'm hurt. too hurt.

sad.

i shoulda been named Adriane. lolz.

gaaaaaaah i miss you so much :<

i miss you soooo much. but i also want to forget you.

she has the message on pinpoint. hahaha. i should have had that avatar.

"someday someone's gonna love me"

hahaha.

maybe somebody does already, i'm just not interested. it could be said that i'm selfish and unfair when it comes to that point, but...

how could you teach your heart to love?

wouldn't it be more unfair if i accepted someone because he loves me, then i couldn't, just couldn't love him back?

how do you separate a lover from a friend?

and how do you treat a lover as just a friend, knowing that what she feels inside is worse than not knowing you at all?



i told myself before to be, real. just real.

this is who i am, and i am presenting it to you as is. i don't want to change, because you might fall for the change and not the real me. i can't afford that.

but if this is the price i have to pay for being me...

it's sad, but i'm keeping myself as i am.

I DON'T DESERVE YOU.

(yeah for once i'm going to uplift my self worth.)

i could cry a bit, get depressed a bit, miss you a bit, but altogether you're going to fade away from me.

and it's not going to be easy for me, because i've learned to accept who you are.

it's like trying to fight my preferences to make me think that you're bad, you're ugly, you're not as comedic or as concerned or as friendly or as deep as you are.

(well you're not that deep anyway lolz)

yeah. let's start with the cleanup now. get on with the reminiscing. the sooner the better.

i'm texting you and you're replying. we joke each other. laugh about it.

you keep teasing me. i tease back, but i guess you're better at it. it's ok though. all smiles.

you ask something, i answer. you answer back that you don't get it. i understand (the word i used was deeper anyway). so i answer again.

you're gonna post it now?

why?

for someone?

... for someone?




do i even mean anything to you?
does it even mean anything that i told you i loved you?

guess not.




my heart's close to bursting now. haha. i feel like i'm such a desperate case.

i want to write out my frustrations but, what the fuck, a real paper to write on would be much better right now. blogs don't suck in tears.