Really. Why do i even bother.

I have this strange need to... talk? With someone, about something that i can't even clearly describe to myself. I'm not even sure what i would be talking about.
Also, i always sound boastful or a know-it-all when i talk, i find. I wish i could change that, stop myself before i start. I mean, i do think of my words, but... i guess part of that is the impulse to appear cool, or more belonging, or be easier to accept if you sound like you can confidently carry yourself. But that's a problem, because i won't be able to keep it up.
I have been imagining what would happen if i ever meet the former bff. The only thing i want to tell her is that she is wrong, that i never ever used her. I get angry just thinking about it. I know in my heart that i will never do that to anyone, but i feel like nothing i do will ever prove it. I feel like nothing i do will ever prove what i am/may be capable of doing, and what i will never do, even on my life...

Why the heck do i feel skittish
What am i even feeling anxious about
There's always the feeling of unfinished business. It makes me both anxious to finish sonething but also, because there's actually nothing to finish, sad and stagnant that i'm not doing anything.
Also, ffs self don't be so desperate. It's so humiliating and embarassing. You're not missing anything.
Or maybe you are, but what does it matter. You won't be able to act on anything currently anyway.

When did i lose interest in reading books and making art? I can't remember.