ó n ò

finally...

i'll just be back to how i was before...

Ayaw ko nang mahibang. Puñeta talaga. Masakit umasa sa wala. Katangahan ko lang puhunan ko. Akala ko lang naman kasi maganda yung pagkakaintindihan natin. Akala ko lang. Tanga lang talaga eh. Putanginang tanga ko lang talaga. Di ko alam kung maiiyak ako o magagalit. Parang wala akong... halaga? Well, wala naman talaga, ano ba iniisip ko. Kailan ba nagkaroon. Masakit lang talaga...

Months will pass. Things will change. Not everyone wants to get out of the drowning sea...

I have to stop loving you.

All i want is a bit of support, really... a bit of comfort... presence... im just so fucking tired...

I miss you so much.
I wanna stop writing shit like this but where else do i go?

I will miss you always.
Always always always.

Kahit anong gawin ko masakit parin talaga sa kalooban. Iyak ko nalang...
Parang, di man lang ako binigyan ng chance tumanggi o maghanda...

Tapos di na kita makikita...

Ewan. Nakakaewan. Ang sama lang ng loob ko. Di naman ako galit pero... malungkot. Parang... iniipit ako ng sitwasyon. Wala na kong magagawa.

Iniisip ko nalang na baka nangyari to kasi ayaw talaga akong mahulog sayo...

I love you though.
That's... that's it, and that's just it...
I love you.
Bye...

Be burning in my own fire, inhaling my own smoke...

I need you but i dont think i'll ever be welcome by you... okay then, okay.

I'm just not worth it, am i?

Oh i'll be gone after tomorrow, don't worry. You won't have to think about proper wording anymore. Or sounding friendly.

It's not that i don't mind... more like, i'm prepping myself for it already, because that's how it's gonna go... right?



People go away. Or they don't run after you. It just happens.

It's times like these that really highlight how much you don't need me.

😐😦😧

I just feel really unwanted right now. Heh.
And at a time when i need people.
Oh but heck, i dont even know how talk. I shouldnt be expecting people to read my mind...

It feels like no one is listening.

Im not sure what is bugging me more: that i miss him or that my dad could possibly have a tumor.

I know, if anyones reading this, you'd prolly be thinking "on what book would those 2 even get on the same level of seriousness??"

Im well aware of that.

Im kind of surprised at how im reacting to dad's findings. I'm imagining glimpses of life before, during and after his surgery. The many possibilities. One of em being he might not make it. Another being he might need chemotherapy for a long time. The best one would be that he would go thru with it, prolly need several days in the hosp, then house rest for a while, and go back to his old routine.

I'm, of course, sticking to the last one. But as i have written, i know it could go another way, a worse way.

I also know that he's distraught. Could clearly see it in his face and hear it in his voice. I know he's scared. And i don't know how to comfort him because i don't want him to keep hoping for a good outcome. I want it to be realistic for him. I don't want to trick him into thinking everything will be fine, 100% sure, then let the unfolding events possibly pull him downwards.

I know hes smart enough to know what's going on. So im just gonna be here for him. And hope that things turn out smoothly and well.

And this is why im ranking this current problem with my missing you. It's only because i don't yet want to believe that things are going downhill. Thats all.

And it made me think, if you were active now, whether i would approach you to tell you everything...
I dont think i would, simply because it's not my nature. But... it would be nice if you knew, and you'd be there for me too...

That plurk post... i don't know why my reply doesn't seem to be getting to you... i know i'm just assuming too much, but it would feel kinda nice to know if you feel that way...
Either you do or don't though... i really miss you, even though i don't know how to deal with you... 😳

I miss you.
Messenger is probably the arsehole.