it's not you. it means nothing if it's not you.

It's like being continuously broken, built up, broken again, built up again...

I keep waiting for you.
I feel like a fucking dog waiting for her master to come back home.

I should just take this as it is and stop thinking about its possible implications. Because that's all it is: just a mere "possible", not something that will actually happen.

I wish you were deeper than this. More empathetic than this. I honestly thought you would be. So far though, I haven't seen anything to prove me right. I don't know if I'm disappointed or mad that my standards are giving me inaccurate thoughts.

Please just... just prove this post wrong. Just let me know that you're not numb. That you are, even slightly, privy to other people's feelings. Just prove to me that you aren't simply self-serving, like most people are.

the more i think of this...

the more i'm sure that i can never reach your standards...



why does everyone have someone who has enough patience for them?



i don't know if i'll ever find mine. i really hope it's you, but... i dunno. it could be no one. i could reach death without feeling... appreciated, or worthy, maybe.



oh well. no, it's never an oh well. but, i gotta continue, because other people need hands to finish what they need finishing...

I wanna ask you how youre doing, and how your dads treatment went, or if he got confined in the hosp, and how youre coping with everything, and if you ever need help or just someone to tell your feelings or frustrations to, that im just here to listen, comment a little and comfort you. But i dont think its my place to do all of that. So ill just frustratedly wait for news from you.
I suck with words. Im sorry. Thats for you and for myself. So hard to express things without sounding like a total creep.

I miss him... i miss hearing his quirkiness... hes just in front of me at the lunch table but hes farther than he ever was... i wish i could be a livelier person so i can volley talk with him, because he seems to be that kinda guy... but im not. I feel like a shadow in his eyes...

I can feel my right leg numbing up. My toes are a bit... err... unresponsive now. I think i have some nerve problem down that leg.
Also, my right neck part hurts a bit. Also hurts where it goes towards the shoulders.
My eyes get blurry from "overuse", blur goes away after resting.
My left ear hurts. I've been "clawing" at the lobe again. But it's starting to subside i think.
I haven't gotten my right lower wisdom out yet.

I umm... i feel alone. Like... i dunno if someone else should be hearing this but i dont feel like i can tell it to anyone... they might think it's too much of a big deal...

Will i ever be anything else to you...