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kaya ka pala apektado XDDD

my song is love, is love unknown.
and i've got to get that message home.

- coldplay, a message

*buntong hininga*

for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.


fuck health.

-----

im tired, uninspired, unmotivated, emotional, sad, slow, lifeless, boring, dull.

i lack confidence.

if i had confidence, i don't know where to invest it in.

i'm sick, frail, like a biscuit gone dry. one fall and i'm cracked. i can't be baked again, and dunking me in milk only leaves me going with the circular flow of it, all the while in crumbles.

i am a destroyed being.

how can i be built again when... i refuse to?

what happiness is there that i can hope for when i can pretty much see what will happen in my future?

it's something i cannot refuse or pay others to do it for me. it's my responsibility.

they probably thank God that i have some brains. well, i am almost blaming God that i am frail too. i suppose it's an exchange for my abilities.

so.

"fair" and "just" my ass.

i hate you. you're too friendly.

i can't discern what's real or not.

...and something like a hug? or maybe a sweet dreams?

bah. garbage thoughts.

i suppose i was too eager to be receptive that at first i didn't notice it was your general treatment to all. but... i guess i know now.

it ceased. just like that. it ceased.

it didn't even go through the "ceasing" or "ceases". it just ceased.

are you sending me signals? or am i just assuming again?

heart-warming, but feel-doubting.

shit i'm a certified FAIL at this. i have seen myself act so shallow before on that one occassion that lasted several months. i mean, really, looking back, THAT WAS SO STUPID. THAT WAS SO FRAIL OF ME. but that was also meaningful, tragic, and traumatizing.

i'll NEVER forget that. ever.

and i don't want that to happen again.

to look for affection or attention... it's a case of insecurity and longing. a veil over the real needs of a person. it becomes a translucent cover on the eyes of the beholder, and spells out "love" on the wrong word.

it's a case of clear dyslexia. where the reader knows that what she's reading is wrong, but cannot decipher the right word, cannot coax it out.

i am having a case of clear dyslexia. when will i be free of this film that promises wrong in the mask of right?

sometimes it's better to know a person first before seeing them in person. makes overcoming impressions easier.