Sleep. Keep sleeping
I still miss you. I wonder where you are.

I miss you.

I cannot control my diabetes even when i think i can... im so tired of this...

I didn't notice that it was already 1am. Now it's 2.39am and my brain's... i'm sleepy but like my mind is trying to stay awake. Like something in there is saying it's not yet time to sleep. But i'm looking at the time and i know i need to sleep or i'll be groggy again tomorrow.
I think my experiments with fasting and food are talking a bit of a toll - is it a toll or is it a good thing?? - on my body. Weird.
And... i have no one to tell this to. Because i feel like i'm becoming more and more selfish. Most of the words that come out of my mouth sound like uninformed opinions based only on what *i* feel. I don't want to interact anymore but i also wish someone would just understand.

I dreamed about you twice. You were always appearing beside someone that has caught my attention somehow. Either friends with them or just switching faces with them. I think my subconscious is trying to compare you to them. But my attention always shifts to you, if you're still there. Or places you there.
But you never really notice me at all. No interaction whatsoever. You're just there, talking with someone. Or you shift away everytime you look at me, and it changes to someone else.
I wonder if i mean anything to you, the same way you mean something to me. I miss you but i'm not sure if i miss the nothingness. Sometimes i wish the missing wasn't there, didn't exist. It must feel better to just be empty, if everytime i miss you, i remember being nothing to you.

yung tuwing nakikita mo sya, para kang sinasampal sa mukha.

im happy that you have a good life.

im sad that i will never be able to give you that life.

im happy that we are not together or else you would have been so frustrated.

im sad that we are not together.

im sad that even if we are not together, i still would not be able to live the life that you are living.

i don't know if i'll ever be able to, but if that love does not come to fruition - and no, it doesn't even have to be *our* love, just my love of that life - then it would be better to just be dead...

just suddenly missing you and your quiet presence.

imagining easy conversations. or non-conversations. maybe more of the latter.

wondering how you're faring. but not brave enough to ask.

Feeling very alone. I don't know if i could keep living this. I feel like people misunderstand my outside composure as... reliance, youngness, innocence, unpleasant fragility. I feel like maybe they're afraid that i will burden them further. I feel like they don't think i experience normal human emotions.
I don't know where to start forging my own path. I don't even know where i want to go yet. But being so far down the shared road... i feel like anything else would be a waste of time.

Everything feels dead.
Like, if i were made to choose between life and death, i would have no problem choosing death. It doesn't feel different anyway.
I'm old enough to be a mom - though i don't want to be one - and yet here i'm still looking for a purpose. A friend is mourning the loss of her child already and here all i ever do is... game? Attend to what someone else needs?
I feel so fenced off from the world.

Im in a place where being alive is meaningless. But i strive to look for meaning, even if it's others', just so i wouldn't have to feel so useless.
It feels good to help people achieve their dreams. I don't know if it will ever get to that, but what if at one point there will be no one else to help?
I wonder if i'll have the strength and the fatigue to go away after my parents are gone...