It's so strange to sort of want to be with people who actually interact with each other, but then remain silent and only observe. Or maybe yes i do want to be included, but maybe im looking for the feeling of being at home, belonging and not needing to speak to belong.

I feel empty?

The back pain coincides with the microalbumin problem.
New development?
If i won't be able to do some service then might as well just die
I dont know who to talk to who would understand what im feeling right now...

To be... approachable? Without having to twist reality.
Or
To be wary... and find a person who prefers sense over rose-tinted glasses...

Hmm.

It feels stupid to me to try to be idealistic... everyone wants good but no one works to be it. Then they see the flower but fail to see the spider. They get mad when they get caught when really, the webs have been there all along...

I can't help it. It feels empty inside.
The little victories are nice and all, but altogether fleeting...

Feeling every bit insecure. Every bit not enough...
I'm looking at people from my vantage point and everyone seems to have happy, perfect, full lives with friends and family and just... you know, they find comfort easily, thus finding their "homes" easily too.
I still yearn to go home.
Why does it seem like i don't have this connection that other people can easily experience?
Do i isolate myself too much?
I'm well aware that i am not at all special. Beyond that... i don't know. You have special people finding other special people to bond with. Mediocre people with mediocre people too. And actually, there's no special or mediocre, thus everyone finds someone, somewhere, someday.
So i... i dunno what the future holds for me but at the moment, i feel very alone. Like as much as i want to make friends or be sociable or be approachable or interesting yada yada... like all of that is not in me. Like i could superficially try but at the end of the day i'd just feel like i am being a traitor. And i won't be able to continuously do it anyway.
I wonder where that connection is. I need it too...

Hmm.
Am i missing something?
Or maybe i just hate ppl and it shows?
I don't hate *everyone*...
Maybe i just lack personality.
I mean... people with bright or loud personalities have no problem dealing with others. Or having someone like them.
Im maybe both independent and scared of being dependent.
How do i even talk with ppl? The only time im comfortable is when they dont see me.
I feel empty all the time.

Strings breaking in my heart. I can feel it. Them. I can feel them breaking.
I feel worthless everyday but more so right now.
I just want to disappear so i don't have to feel this, and other future hurts, anymore.
It's like... i do want to be as smoke... but not so much as to only be remembered for my pathetic abilities.
I have much more to myself, you know. I don't even know how deep i am. But maybe it's too dark, that's why people run away before they try to explore. Maybe it's too scary to risk the dark and find nothing.

Been a really long while.
Me writing here is a bad sign.

Just put your insecurities away, self. Just... just fuck off. Just go away. Stay away from the situation. You don't have to be that same end again. Let them take that place if they want to. They're better at moving away from it than you are.

You're not... you're not beautiful. You're not interesting. You're not... fit for anything or anyone.

no. i'm alive. and i feel more stupid now.

congrats, self.