Keep seeing our house's room whenever i wake up from sleep, in that mid-wake state...
I wanna go home... 😔

I havent written anything for... quite a long while, i think.

I saw this pinterest post before that said something like, it's easier to fall out of love than to fall out of love because you aren't missed. Or... i dunno, i could be mixing 2 pic posts up. Anyway, it mirrors my feelings. Mirrored.

Umm.

Life is boring.
I feel like my brain is regressing.

I don't know if im being selfish or if my dad really is selfish and/or numb...

Honestly just... tired of being left to catch up... i mean like... i feel like i might be annoying him because he keeps dragging me everywhere and yet if he didnt hed prolly have done more than hes doing now.

At the same time i feel like my worth is just diminishing bit by bit... theres the nagging feeling again of "do people actually need me or maybe theyre just dragging me along out of courtesy..."

"I feel like a plant in a too small pot" indeed.

I feel like... my lifeline has been pulled out... was pulled out since i transferred work... and now i dont where to grab for one again...

*sigh*

i'm at that state where i'm wishing i could just go back to my old work..........

this job is boring. if it's even a "job".

and i'm srsly not learning anything.

the start was nice. frantic but nice. having to meet bank people and learning the process. all of those were new to me, so that was nice. not necessarily enjoyable, but still tolerable. right now though, i'm just not doing anything. i mean, cripes. i'm actually playing games here. mmo games. what else is there to do???

My interest in strange and/or new people can mess up my brain, and im not sure if i like them because i like them or i like them because theyre curious creatures.

I don't understand why my brain works this way.

Thought I would see you today... feel kinda sad that I didn't...

I imagine it would be nice to find people who are pretending to be experts in their field but are actually just as lost as i am...

I've been thinking. Been going to the hosp chapel to think.
I'm more scared about how things will go at home. I feel like padre's gonna be too pushy and mudra... well...
I've been feeling like this glass filled 5/8 with water and being continuously semi-boiled... like hot water but not hot enough to evaporate, and def not cold enough to freeze or settle.
It's honestly tiring.
For the nth time i wished that someone would just be there to catch me or support me.
I have a lot of support though, as in i can see all of em right now, and im grateful.
But you know when sometimes you make stupid blunders and you wish someone was there to watch and laugh with you afterwards... or cry with you, or comfort you, or bring some other perspective while being fully enlightened on all the happenings, and that it would be that kind of mutual support for each other through everything. I wish for that a lot.
You know i wish that during some of my solo thinking travels, someone would find me and just, plainly, understand. And i wish i could do the same for him.
I know that this sudden change is not about me.. and it does make me feel rather selfish for still having this kind of mindset... but sometimes you just want someone to be there in your time of need... and this is one of those times. And... yeah. Through all the support that i've gotten, i still feel like something is missing, and it's more emphasized at the moment...

Lay out the palette and drape yourself in colors of striking beauty
I love you, but im learning not to love you anymore
You are beautiful, and you will keep being beautiful, but i cannot keep on gawking at you, embarrassing myself and losing my self worth over the painful brilliance of your beauty...
It's a very slow goodbye, but i cannot turn back. I will not turn back.

No, doc. I'm not okay. I'm tired.
But it's not like anyone else would be willing to go days doing this.
All this while constantly hearing doors being shut in my face...