I miss you.

Jfc i miss you and i miss that little warm contact way way back.

MK Ultra.

It's like looking at a mirror and seeing the beauty and the flaws, but feeling that the reflected beauty is just superficial and not yours, and the reflected flaws are fully and truly yours, and that you are passing them off to the beautiful reflection that is not you...

I can almost see what you're doing, how you think, what you feel, how you decide on things. I can almost see what is happening in your life, except that difference are differences, and you cannot manipulate these differences into similarities, as that would mean fooling yourself into believing something not true.

But what if I'm right...? What if in 20 years time, I would be mirroring your actions?

It's kinda scary, kinda fascinating, outright outrageous. I want to see confirmations or negations. I want to see some black and white. All I've been basing upon are grays, and if this gray cloud suddenly opens up, I am definitely going to fall and crack.

It's so frustrating that i cannot reach you...

it would break my heart...



but i will also have to learn to understand your situation and how we are connected, and learn not to expect too much.



it would still break my heart though. hahaha. foolish me.



i do sincerely hope that she fully recovers though. if not for her, then for you to not worry anymore.

I sometimes feel like something's wrong with my brain.
My reactions are almost always so... out of it.

But anyway, you always catch me off guard.

I think I also love you for it.

I just miss you. So much.

And it will probably be another ordinary day on my birthday haha. I'm only really waiting for you...

Whatever the hell did i get myself into.

I am now only ever waiting for you.

I don't want to be like this anymore. Because it's not gonna happen. Which means that i'm just fooling myself.

I want this to end now, no matter how much i want to know you... :(

Secret lives~ secret lives~ how many secret lives do you have? Hmm? Who are you always texting? Who is making you happy?

I'm jealous. I'm jealous, in the sense that it's not me, and that i'm not experiencing the same (or more) joy and contentment in my life, not necessarily involving you.

I guess that's what makes you replaceable. It's that i cannot grasp your existence, and you prefer to keep it that way. At the same time, i can live without you. I can become hopelessly curious about your life, but it doesnt mean that i will keep on exhausting myself with finding out. I will try, and try and try, but you can't find something that hides on purpose.

Is it time to wake up?

I'm feeling the loneliness creep in again. What is life.

Can i see my future with you?

The thing is that... i do not perceive much of a future myself. Im seriously wanting of death by the age of 27. That number of years has made a mark on me. I cannot see much future ahead of my 27 years.

But i would love to spend my remaining days by your side. If youd permit it. Although i honestly dont know how that would turn out.

I wasnt dreaming, was i?
I saw your flushed cheeks. I swear.
This is the 2nd time actually.
I dont think you're that weak to blush from bowing down.

.....

Hell. I dont know what to make of this.
So much electricity.