is there still any meaning to life when you find that you don't need anything anymore?

"need" being a symbol of the totality of... gosh this is hard to explain. lol

"need" symbolizing everything you have/want in your life. everything.

need to share. need for food. need for friends. need for love. need TO love. need to teach. need to learn. need to reach out. need to sleep. need to drink. need to help. need to...

need to need.

kinda makes us sound demanding lol

but again,

this need. all these needs.

even the need to sleep.

what if it just came to you like it was a totally involuntary thing?
you know how we need to eat/sleep/drink to be able to live.
but what if somehow it became like a totally normal thing, a totally uncontrollable thing.
at 8pm you go to sleep.
at 3am (prolly) you wake up to pee.
at 8am you wake up and do your morning stuff, bathe eat whatever else.
at 12nn you eat lunch.
at 3pm you have a snack.
at 6pm you have dinner.
at 8pm you go to sleep.
and... all of that, as something routine. something you cannot control. something you do without having to think. something your instincts tell you to do and you cannot go against.

while in between these times, you have all the freedom to do what you want.
oh you could kill yourself if you want to.

but is this still called life?

i suppose if it comes to summin like this, "life" would become, in itself, your "suicide".
IF you have no other needs to dawdle on.
"suicide" becomes the only... description, of your "life".

there is a difference between what you perceive yourself to be, who you really are, and how people see you.

and as much as i wish to be the fast moving assassin with secrets to keep, in real life, i am just another human being creating a fantastical image of myself.

in truth, well, i'm not really clumsy as fuck, and i believe my reflexes are pretty fast, maybe kinda fast, but the way i perceive myself might still be light years away from who i really am.

so... yeah. grounded. must keep grounded.

and then, there's the question of, what if thinking of yourself as smart means that you're dumb?

i think i read that somewhere, or maybe something with the same context.

so where exactly does "humility" end, and where does "being self-aware" belong, and where does "boastfulness" begin?

i need to be enlightened.

Blog. Hai.

Oo. Minsan hinahanap ko din yung male companion ko. Di ko pa nga alam kung sino sya. At kung sakali e iniintay nya rin ba ko.
As in di ko talaga sya kilala.
Nakakapagod din mag-intay ah. Di mo alam kung kelan dadating. Actually, di mo alam kung may dadating ba. At tipo mo ba sya o andyan lang sya para punan ang pwesto ng pagiging partner boyfriend asawa mo.
Gusto ko rin po siya makilala. Di ko alam kung handa na ko o kung kelan pa ko magiging handa. Pero gusto ko sya makilala. Para meron din akong rason para magising tuwing umaga...

So i'm nuts again. This is the feeling i missed so much. But it will be gone soon. "He" will be gone soon. Oh wait. He won't. But my stupidity will be gone soon. Yep. And i will miss it once again.

Where the heck is he?? Or maybe he doesn't exist, just like this one doesn't. They're the same sort. Someone you dream of but cannot have anyway. Well, maybe in some realms. Lol. Dream on.

so i would like to document my experience through the realms of porn.

my friend introduced me to it. it wasn't anything dirty. she just happened to like reading manga and sometimes she chances upon mild stuff that leads her to hentai sites. so i was first introduced to hentai. and then out of mere curiosity i learned of the existence of bestiality and fantasy and hardcore, etc etc. also learned later on that there are some sites that just deal with fetishes and some that just deal with the fantasy of being raped.

side comment: humans, and i am speaking as one, are weird.

i did go thru several stuff of porn, including games, just to know what makes em click so much.

of all the stuff i saw, i just learned one thing: porn is NOT like life. it just lacks... vitality? i dunno. i can't really term it. but it's so... flat. maybe some get turned on by what's happening in front of them but... in the end, i think what makes porn click is that it makes you yearn for the warmth of the real thing. and since most likely, none is available, you continue watching more porn, in search of that human warmth.

how can i say that? well, i get tired after watching the start of a few clips. you watch one, you've watched it all. it's always, always empty.

I just realized, that it's almost 2012, and i'm still single, and i'm still looking for something, and i'm still as indecisive as ever, and i'm still as scared as ever.

I don't know if i'm hopeless, or if now is the right time to be hopeful.

i was studying in this university. the univ has this really huge, or well, fat building with 4 floors. all white walls and several staircases. i don't recall it having elevators. if i estimated it right, it has 3 main staircases, and 2 at each end serving as fire escapes.

i was in my P.E. class at that time. no classroom really, just a... gym of some sort, or large session hall with no particular seating order. but i'm not exactly sure because my surroundings sometimes shift to that of a windowed hall; and then to a room with many windows, letting sunlight get in, and a blackboard in front; and then to a huge communal bathroom with white tiled walls and several showers separated by, again, white tiled walls. but no curtains to cover the showering person. the bathroom also has several really huge bath tubs, and by huge i mean you can lie in it head to foot and sink in 2ft of water. tubs were also white, with silver faucets and handles.

so i was in P.E. class, and i can't see who the professor/instructor is, but what i know is that i had to marry someone or else . no i can't remember why i had to marry someone.

i was staying in a dorm at that time with 1 of my high school classmates; a girl we nickname Jeca. just note the name.

so yeah, my goal is to get someone to agree to be my husband/pair. at that time, Jeca and i were considered a pair because we were both staying in the same room in the dorm. but i went to find my former crush, Jay, and ask him if he would agree to be my pair. i found him in a classroom, same one i described earlier with a black board and many windows. he agreed. HE AGREED. (mga kaklase ko lang makakaintindi kung bat ako na-shock)

so, since he agreed, i had to tell Jeca that we can't be the required pairing. i told her about it and she was like, "ok! goodbye then!", waving her hands at me and walking away.

then the dream ended.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

www.colorquiz.com

Your Existing Situation

"Seeking for her own identity, is sensitive and seeks close nurturing relationships and environments. Has an eye for beauty and a desire to have her emotions protected and further developed."

Your Stress Sources

"Unfulfilled hopes have left her feeling uncertain and even a little fearful about the future. Needs to feel secure and avoid further disappointment; fears she will be looked over, lose her position, or lose respect. Has little hope that things will get better in time and her negative attitude leads her to place impossible demands on others or to compromise or bargain."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."

Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. she is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome her lack of energy and may become irritable if she does not recover.

"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."

Your Desired Objective

"Is intimidated by the activities going on around her. Conflict and disagreements tend to drain her and therefore she avoids those situations. Often times she will hide with plans and goals from others, because she fears they will openly attack her. she works out her plans in private so as not to cause any problems or trouble with others."

Your Actual Problem

"Inability to reach her goals, she is afraid to create or pursue new goals because she fears the rejection and let down they may cause her. she is feeling anxious and escapes by withdrawing into herself and protecting her emotions leaving her moody and depressed."

floating oblivion - bernice [cat meows] on Plurk: "sometimes i feel like deep inside i'm becoming colder towards everything. like this is just a facade that i have no intention of faking."

yeah. that's how it feels. not all the time of course, but... most of the time. like... like i'm automatically hiding things because i feel they are not suited for sharing to everyone.

i feel like, there are always eyes watching my every move. even my laughs. i think i only forget the eyes when i'm really really angry. but by then i'm mindful of how i'm acting, because i don't want my discipline to break. i don't want to go to that little zone where i KNOW i will destroy things out of anger. literally. i broke my glasses once, and once also almost broke a cloth hanger. i don't have any personality disorders, but i'm really holding back a lot when i'm angry. i think i might destroy doors.

i think that's the result of being... corked up all my life. the result of being what someone else wants me to be, and me following those orders. i can say that i don't have any direction right now other than to be a-a "therapy dog". you know, help the elderly/disabled do chores, do what needs to be done, nothing else besides that. and i think it's because i didn't grow up exposed to stuff like that. seriously, my parents never gave me weekly allowances, only gave me like P300 and then until it disappeared i'm not going to get more. i have no idea how to "use" money, to "save" money, money limits and stuff. i don't know how to commute other than by taxi or maybe 1-ride jeepney stops. i taught myself to talk with waiters because if i didn't, i'd have sweated dead ordering ice cream.

you see how stupid that is?

and now that i'm trying to learn what i can, the eyes suddenly produce mouths and the mouths keep commenting about what i do. it's like everything i do is going to undergo evaluation, because the eyes don't trust me enough that i will do well in whatever i'm doing.

i'm tired.

i'm happy when i'm talking with friends, sharing stuff with them, making them laugh, making them snort, doing stuff with them, debating with them, sharing opinions, sharing feelings, having good laughs, learning about each other's stupidities, etc etc etc. it's so lovely when it's like that. it's so... unreserved. so calm and relaxed. it's so natural. no pretenses required, intended or unintended.

i wish everything went like that for me. maybe, in a way, i'm also paranoid. but it has a cause. :(