there's a lingering emptiness everyday...

i don't know what i want but i don't want a lot of things.

i only want to be, to do what i love. to find what i love.

it feels like being in a bubble.

where trying to knock on other people's doors only results in rejection.

while other people are forcefully trying to enter that bubble, but they are not welcome.

it's like i know how to be but i don't want to be because of prying, judging eyes.

it's like not finding my home.

it's living in someone else's bubble, and while that is not something i totally hate, it's also something that feels like a burden. and i feel guilty and selfish for feeling this way.

but i'm also so, so tired of living this way.

it also feels too late to change. but i know that one day i will be forced to change, and by then i think i might already be too jaded to happily accept these changes. that's pretty scary.

25minutes to a new year.

Nothing. Just nothing.
I feel like a ghost, and i don't want to keep haunting you if it's not welcome anyway.

:(
I dont feel like greeting anyone. I just want to get away from everyone.
It always feels like.. either the world rejects me or it demands too much, and i can't keep up so i eventually get rejected anyway.

I miss you so much but.. i dunno. Im just stopping now.
I havent yet found anyone who could understand my feelings... usually when anyone has a grasp of it they immediately think that im just being a baby when the solution is supposed to be in front of me.

I just miss you. Thats all.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Morning melancholy. Work is uninspiring and i miss you. Though it seems like someone's already claiming you for themselves.
I don't know what you feel about that. I don't know what you feel at all...

Do people understand it when i want to get out of interactions? That it's because i'm trying to make use of whatever time and energy is left for myself?

There's not a lot left everyday. All my time is devoted to something. Something else.

I'm fucking tired and... i can't wait for a time when i don't have to worry about anything anymore.

We went to a resto today to buy take out food, and the saleslady there is chatty and became mums friend. She asked me how i was and im not sure how to answer. Just ok. May lovelife na raw ba. She asks this all the time. I said none. Mom interjected that i work mon to sat, and sundays for grocery/with fam. She says oh, wala naman palang oras.

And im so thankful that someone sees that. Because even with friends, i feel like they can't. I feel like they think my life is easy and free and im just lazy and selfish. Im not. Im fucking not. And im not, thats why i need this leftover free time to myself. Because i have no other time to spare for anyone else. Im sorry and i hope they understand that. Because im honestly not sure how else to explain this other than sounding like a self important bitch.

I've been feeling... not relaxed, for some weeks now. Err.. is antsy the word? I gotta search.
Wish you were here, and wish you could just hold me steady. A hug would be really great right now. I also just miss you in general. I also wonder how you're doing. You've been quiet for weeks. Hope you and your fam are ok.

I just have to write this because bottling up my feelings makes me feel anxious and antsy...

Everytime she posts any text from you, i feel jealousy, sadness, and being not enough.

Why can't i be as talkative and confident as her?

And so many petty, negative, backwards comments spring up in my head.

Esp because i know that all she sees in you is your looks.

I feel... inadequate. Dad's comment keeps repeating in my head.

"Buti pa (sya) may silbi ano?"

I think i tend to overcompensate now? Neverending duties and favors...

I only ever wonder if you see whatever worth i have... may have... or maybe this is all there is...

I miss you today.

I keep wondering if there will come a time that i will see you again.
I still miss you. Less, i guess. But i still get affected by... yeah.
Right now it honestly just feels like hurt.. like pain. An open wound being aerated.
I miss you but it will just hurt to see you again. I don't mind going through that pain, but i also can't just push that pain aside...