Morning melancholy. Work is uninspiring and i miss you. Though it seems like someone's already claiming you for themselves.
I don't know what you feel about that. I don't know what you feel at all...

Do people understand it when i want to get out of interactions? That it's because i'm trying to make use of whatever time and energy is left for myself?

There's not a lot left everyday. All my time is devoted to something. Something else.

I'm fucking tired and... i can't wait for a time when i don't have to worry about anything anymore.

We went to a resto today to buy take out food, and the saleslady there is chatty and became mums friend. She asked me how i was and im not sure how to answer. Just ok. May lovelife na raw ba. She asks this all the time. I said none. Mom interjected that i work mon to sat, and sundays for grocery/with fam. She says oh, wala naman palang oras.

And im so thankful that someone sees that. Because even with friends, i feel like they can't. I feel like they think my life is easy and free and im just lazy and selfish. Im not. Im fucking not. And im not, thats why i need this leftover free time to myself. Because i have no other time to spare for anyone else. Im sorry and i hope they understand that. Because im honestly not sure how else to explain this other than sounding like a self important bitch.

I've been feeling... not relaxed, for some weeks now. Err.. is antsy the word? I gotta search.
Wish you were here, and wish you could just hold me steady. A hug would be really great right now. I also just miss you in general. I also wonder how you're doing. You've been quiet for weeks. Hope you and your fam are ok.

I just have to write this because bottling up my feelings makes me feel anxious and antsy...

Everytime she posts any text from you, i feel jealousy, sadness, and being not enough.

Why can't i be as talkative and confident as her?

And so many petty, negative, backwards comments spring up in my head.

Esp because i know that all she sees in you is your looks.

I feel... inadequate. Dad's comment keeps repeating in my head.

"Buti pa (sya) may silbi ano?"

I think i tend to overcompensate now? Neverending duties and favors...

I only ever wonder if you see whatever worth i have... may have... or maybe this is all there is...

I miss you today.

I keep wondering if there will come a time that i will see you again.
I still miss you. Less, i guess. But i still get affected by... yeah.
Right now it honestly just feels like hurt.. like pain. An open wound being aerated.
I miss you but it will just hurt to see you again. I don't mind going through that pain, but i also can't just push that pain aside...

Something's missing...
Where are you...

Im just feeling depressed.

in my head i want to be hit with the severe strain so that i can go now.

in my head i know that it will wreck havoc over the lives of everyone i'm with.

in my head i know that it's not guaranteed i will die, but that exact chance of deaths will apply to all these other lives, and esp that of my parents.

but in my head, i just want to go...
in my head i want to tempt fate and rush towards the so-called risk that i think of as my escape plan...

i just wish it didn't take anyone else, nor anyone else with me...

and for vain reasons i want to see that i have made a mark on people, because for selfish reasons i want my efforts to be validated, for that planted good to mark and spread, IF it is good.

if 1 or 2 people remember me, that would be happiness for me already.

if someone i love, or used to love, cries for me, that would be... something i will cherish, if i can, as long as i can... because then i know i've left a mark. such selfishness. it doesn't mean though that i didn't wish that i hadn't touched his life for him to cry for me now.

but, i'm sure it would be short-lived anyway.

i just wanna go.

I'm sleepy. I was alarmed when i saw Jul 11 and thought it is your birthday today.
No more of you left... but it doesn't make me indifferent. It just makes me sad...