in my head i want to be hit with the severe strain so that i can go now.

in my head i know that it will wreck havoc over the lives of everyone i'm with.

in my head i know that it's not guaranteed i will die, but that exact chance of deaths will apply to all these other lives, and esp that of my parents.

but in my head, i just want to go...
in my head i want to tempt fate and rush towards the so-called risk that i think of as my escape plan...

i just wish it didn't take anyone else, nor anyone else with me...

and for vain reasons i want to see that i have made a mark on people, because for selfish reasons i want my efforts to be validated, for that planted good to mark and spread, IF it is good.

if 1 or 2 people remember me, that would be happiness for me already.

if someone i love, or used to love, cries for me, that would be... something i will cherish, if i can, as long as i can... because then i know i've left a mark. such selfishness. it doesn't mean though that i didn't wish that i hadn't touched his life for him to cry for me now.

but, i'm sure it would be short-lived anyway.

i just wanna go.

I'm sleepy. I was alarmed when i saw Jul 11 and thought it is your birthday today.
No more of you left... but it doesn't make me indifferent. It just makes me sad...

This unspeakable yearning is rather depressing. It can drag every little detail of life down.
I miss you, but... not so much, in that, you don't seem to miss me anyway. Which just tells me that.. my hope is for naught.
But i miss you and your imaginary warmth from an imaginary hug. Something i have not had for years. Something lost to me but i'm still trying to find. I miss your imaginary companionship and our imaginary connection, an imaginary bridge we can both cross. A breaking of chains. A pure and wholesome freedom.
I can only long for it. Reality remains cold and unwelcoming...

I forget how it feels like to be genuinely interested in anything.
It's like... there is a void that is supposed to be filled with happy things, interesting things, things that i want to know more about... but this void is being continuously filled up with other things, these other things that are like strong flowing water from a continuously running faucet, and the void is continuously full and moving, flowing and erupting, not keeping anything, and nothing good is coming in and staying, because it is also being pushed out by the continuous fall and spill of water...

Of course you don't know.
You don't know because i never tell you, and you don't know because you never bothered to know.

The girl is communicating with you because she wants you to communicate back, but you still remain hidden behind a wall. You still choose to hide. And i'm angry at you for being like that. For not saying yes or no. For letting her hang head over heels for you with no clear path in sight. You're a douchebag like that. And i'm angry and sad at you, for you, and for me...

And i wish that you somehow had even a tiny bit of care for people outside your little safe cocoon.. but maybe you do. I'm just not included in that little spot of sunshine from you.

I'm tired. 2 weeks is long. My restlessness isn't turning off...

When im troubled, i don't know who to talk to...

Feeling very alone right now.

My stomach hurts a bit. But it's been all day.




Don't know what else to say. I just want some comfort.

Goodnight, love.
I hope... we meet in different circumstances. Where second-guessing and reluctance have no place. Only honesty and understanding exist.
If i die from this, i only hope for what's best for you. I only hope you're happy.

i'm not ready for this yet
not yet

it feels so lonely having to travel this journey alone, knowing you have someone else offering to be with you.

I hope you're safe.. :(