I miss you so much it hurts.

You keep getting into my dreams.

Sometimes you pass through my thoughts but it's not like it's the same as before. The pain has been numbed enough. I haveaccepted things, i guess. But still somehow you get into my dreams, and your presence there makes me wish for the past times.

I miss you still, after... 2yrs+. But i'm not sure i want to embarass myself again the way i did before. I appreciate your gentleness and kindness about it, but... i don't think you'd appreciate it, and nor would i, anymore, at the moment...

Just not finding anything new... nothing holds happiness or learning as much as anything did before.
Now im just bored. Busy but stagnant. Fading away and not using that time for something meaningful.
I dont wanna go out with anyone, friends or fam, because im a cynic. It's hard to say the right things or act the right way when you don't know what you need to do those for.
If my parents die, or if 1 of them dies, im gonna feel 3 things: grief, relief, and the graduated feeling of losing half of your life purpose. And eventually the whole of it.
It's the only thing to happen that im waiting for, but at the same time, im definitely not looking forward to it. It makes me anxious, even though it is clear in my head that it's inevitable. I wonder how things will be. I wonder how empty i would become. I wonder what else could push me to go back to "being human".

maybe you know it's a fucked up life if you are at a loss for stories to tell

No one wants to listen anymore.
I can't describe my feelings any better than "actively dying". I'm just so tired. And no one sees why i feel this way. They just think it's an attitude i'm having, a seasonal one. It's not. It's just a volcano bursting from too many instances of sadness and frustration. My life is going nowhere. But maybe i should just stop thinking of... going out of my way to do things for myself. I mean, it's pretty pointless by now. I don't think i have any other future left. And i'm so tired of fighting for things that i want and love and want to develop. Fighting for something that i can call my own.

Really. Why do i even bother.

I have this strange need to... talk? With someone, about something that i can't even clearly describe to myself. I'm not even sure what i would be talking about.
Also, i always sound boastful or a know-it-all when i talk, i find. I wish i could change that, stop myself before i start. I mean, i do think of my words, but... i guess part of that is the impulse to appear cool, or more belonging, or be easier to accept if you sound like you can confidently carry yourself. But that's a problem, because i won't be able to keep it up.
I have been imagining what would happen if i ever meet the former bff. The only thing i want to tell her is that she is wrong, that i never ever used her. I get angry just thinking about it. I know in my heart that i will never do that to anyone, but i feel like nothing i do will ever prove it. I feel like nothing i do will ever prove what i am/may be capable of doing, and what i will never do, even on my life...

Why the heck do i feel skittish
What am i even feeling anxious about
There's always the feeling of unfinished business. It makes me both anxious to finish sonething but also, because there's actually nothing to finish, sad and stagnant that i'm not doing anything.
Also, ffs self don't be so desperate. It's so humiliating and embarassing. You're not missing anything.
Or maybe you are, but what does it matter. You won't be able to act on anything currently anyway.

When did i lose interest in reading books and making art? I can't remember.