Hmm.
Am i missing something?
Or maybe i just hate ppl and it shows?
I don't hate *everyone*...
Maybe i just lack personality.
I mean... people with bright or loud personalities have no problem dealing with others. Or having someone like them.
Im maybe both independent and scared of being dependent.
How do i even talk with ppl? The only time im comfortable is when they dont see me.
I feel empty all the time.

Strings breaking in my heart. I can feel it. Them. I can feel them breaking.
I feel worthless everyday but more so right now.
I just want to disappear so i don't have to feel this, and other future hurts, anymore.
It's like... i do want to be as smoke... but not so much as to only be remembered for my pathetic abilities.
I have much more to myself, you know. I don't even know how deep i am. But maybe it's too dark, that's why people run away before they try to explore. Maybe it's too scary to risk the dark and find nothing.

Been a really long while.
Me writing here is a bad sign.

Just put your insecurities away, self. Just... just fuck off. Just go away. Stay away from the situation. You don't have to be that same end again. Let them take that place if they want to. They're better at moving away from it than you are.

You're not... you're not beautiful. You're not interesting. You're not... fit for anything or anyone.

no. i'm alive. and i feel more stupid now.

congrats, self.

Bye.

Keep seeing our house's room whenever i wake up from sleep, in that mid-wake state...
I wanna go home... 😔

I havent written anything for... quite a long while, i think.

I saw this pinterest post before that said something like, it's easier to fall out of love than to fall out of love because you aren't missed. Or... i dunno, i could be mixing 2 pic posts up. Anyway, it mirrors my feelings. Mirrored.

Umm.

Life is boring.
I feel like my brain is regressing.

I don't know if im being selfish or if my dad really is selfish and/or numb...

Honestly just... tired of being left to catch up... i mean like... i feel like i might be annoying him because he keeps dragging me everywhere and yet if he didnt hed prolly have done more than hes doing now.

At the same time i feel like my worth is just diminishing bit by bit... theres the nagging feeling again of "do people actually need me or maybe theyre just dragging me along out of courtesy..."

"I feel like a plant in a too small pot" indeed.

I feel like... my lifeline has been pulled out... was pulled out since i transferred work... and now i dont where to grab for one again...

*sigh*

i'm at that state where i'm wishing i could just go back to my old work..........

this job is boring. if it's even a "job".

and i'm srsly not learning anything.

the start was nice. frantic but nice. having to meet bank people and learning the process. all of those were new to me, so that was nice. not necessarily enjoyable, but still tolerable. right now though, i'm just not doing anything. i mean, cripes. i'm actually playing games here. mmo games. what else is there to do???

My interest in strange and/or new people can mess up my brain, and im not sure if i like them because i like them or i like them because theyre curious creatures.

I don't understand why my brain works this way.