Days when my emotion meter, tank? Feels overflowing, and i dont want to deal with anything or anyone.

I also feel like something bad is about to happen again. Like pudra is about to be sick again. Jesus fucking christ just fuck off with the events already. Im so tired of always keeping watch.

Brain just keeps saying, whining, "i wanna go home."

Everyday i feel homesick and i don't even know where home is.

It feels like the people around me are just tolerating me.

Im not questioning their intent or their willingness to be there. I know most of them have pure intention and actually will help if i need them. And im very grateful for that. I hope i can be that to them too.

But i think maybe, they would switch rooms if i was with them and the option is there.

I feel embarrassed about myself because i feel like... it is a form of flattery when i get attention. And/but, i don't want to chase it. That would be even more embarrassing. Also, attention shouldn't be a big thing. The big thing should be, being an able contributor. If attention comes from that, thats nice. If not, then theres just none of it.

But ultimately, i am neither here nor there. So...

It feels like waiting for something that will never come. And doubting if i can handle it, maybe even running away, if it did. It's so stupid.

It just feels frustrating. Feels like being trapped in an endless loop. My brain is thinking "it will end eventually." But everyday, esp going to work, i want to cry. "Here we go again... when will this end..."

I just dreamed of myself assuming my mother is dead, but thankfully the other people in my dream found that ridiculous and pointed me to where she was, very much alive.

Trying to look at my future and i see nothing.

I don't see the point in doing all of this. In doing anything at all. I enjoy my games but it's also very clear to me that these are temporary, fantastical achievements, nothing more.

I feel like, if the gods are truly alive and they wove my fate, that they're somehow toying with me, giving me wants that i can't have. Making me yearn for a different life.

I wonder how i would be if i was born into a different situation. But i think if i was born with the same character i have now, things will still be the same.

I dunno. I think other people would for sure benefit more, and give back more, from the oxygen and comfort im consuming.

i just bought 5 big packs of junk chips yesterday. don't remember that ever happening before. ate 1 yesterday then 1 today.

it's now 12.30am monday and im... i just don't want to go to work tomorrow/later.

and i don't want this kind of life anymore, where it's like... im just waiting on people, work or not. constantly worried about possibilities and why isnt mudra's cough going away (it's improving but feels too slow), pudra's memory clearly showing signs of deterioration every so often, both of them seemingly not aware, or in denial, of things they can't and should do/eat, me constantly running after them like a mother running after their toddler cos hes about to jump into rapid traffic or the train tracks and theres an incoming train.. pick them up, put them far from those places, and they just run back if you so much as blink...

it makes me physically sad. it makes me... my mind imagines my weight getting extremely heavy so that all i can physically do is slump and overflow thru my chair, too heavy and clumsy to push to the office, or do anything for that matter.

and then i think of the why and it all goes down to death. the ultimate ending. the forced goal. the one state we cant run from anyway so why bother. everything feels so superficial and "whats the point".

dot dot dot.

i wish to forget disconnect disappear.

i wish to be rid of these thoughts.

i wish to be rid of an imagination that only pushes me further into disillusion.

I wonder how you're doing...

i haven't written in a very long time.

but yeah, i'm so tired. soooooo so so fucking tired. and i'm pretty sure this is only the starting stage.

I think i need a warm hug. A hug where i could just fully deflate for a few minutes.

I dont know why u appeared in my dream today. Let me remember:
Formal looking resto with high ceilings and all, situated in its own building, that stands with other shop and resto buildings, in what looks like an outdoor walking mall (think tagaytay seda park).
We were eating at said resto with other mutual relatives - who, i didnt see. You came with your boyfriend AND your ex bf for some reason. But your current bf is sitting far away, at a sofa at the edge of the room, and eating his food there on his own table. While your ex is sitting beside me; i was sitting between u and him. Ex bf seems shy, and acts like someone in an unfamiliar crowd - quiet, looking around, doesnt speak but is trying to fit in. I assist him sometimes. Sometimes u also do but u have to stand up to get to him, so not very practical.
At some point mum (shes one of the guests) says shes going outside for a while. She does, we continue chatting a bit and having bites of food. Then a bit later it starts to rain. You look towards the glass windows and stand up, get your umbrella and start walking to my mum. I somehow forgot that mum was outside so when i saw you stand up, it didnt immediately sink in that youre going to my mum to help her.
Then i wake up.
Very random. The last part made me feel like a failure of a daughter. And the abrupt end made me feel sad.

Mama im so tired... di ko alam kung andito ka pa ba talaga..

I just feel empty.
I do things and play games to temporarily not feel empty.
Once i stop, the moment i stop, the emptiness comes flooding back.
Life is apparently full of things to learn and enjoy.
I see these, but i don't, can't find the interest to indulge in them. I can't even enjoy drawing anymore.
I wonder if this can still change. But at the moment, i don't see how it could. You could bring me to different activities and i could enjoy it temporarily, but i detach afterward. I guess i just don't want to stick to something that i know i can't maintain. And the older i get, the more that kind of possibility feels to be fleeting away.

You were in my dream about... pottery? It was me, my cousin, you, and another cousin. Other cousin greeted you hbd but we sort of raised our eyebrows to that. Then cousin asked when exactly is your birthday and i struggled a bit. Eventually answered June 10, but thats wrong.

Then you made this silly clay branch piece and stuck it to a bouquet of clay flowers, and we were laughing so much.

Thats all.

Every thought is peppered with a wish that tomorrow is the end.
The sadness has been coming in waves. I know im just hormonal again. Right smack on this day/week. But yeah. It's magnifying my feelings a bit too strongly. It'll pass. I just wish i could go back up before i crash again.

saw you in a complete suit. baka ikakasal na kayo?

haha.

I dreamed of you last night. And as usual, you're always out of reach. Always something blocking you from view. Always something taking my attention. And when i try to go back, you're gone. Or you're there, but i'm always third party, just the faraway observer trying to blend in with everyone else so i can stay and at the very least, i know that im in the same room as you.

Thurd party. Funny typo.

Anyway. Such is life, i guess. If the stars don't say, it's not gonna happen, not even if you tried.

Maybe i should just stop worrying about what will be left and just do it. They'll find a way to fix those things anyway, and really i can't be buggered to do it anymore then.

Pagod na pagod na ko...

I keep thinking of you. But it feels wrong of me.
I'm building a version of you in my head, one who is receptive and mutual. One who cares about me. But these are unrealistic expectations and i shouldn't be setting these as your standard. I'll only be disappointed and it's not even your fault that i am.
My friend said that me still feeling this way is just digging a deep hole in my heart. I think he's right. But i don't know how to fill it up.
I still miss you, or the image of you in my head. But i hope that, at some near point, i will learn to stop hurting myself with an image of you that you can't, or won't, be able to match.

I wonder what i have.. i feel like my heart might be doing poorly. My ankles swell quite often. And this headache, and body pain, both going on for days now.
Ive been thinking, so many good people passing away recently...
Why not just me? Not like ive any use anyway. Wouldnt be a good idea to let useless people live. We'll just be wasting resources.
Then again maybe i did something unforgivable in my past life so im suffering for it now.
Lol. Ewan. Pagod na po ako. Sana kahit man lang guminhawa naman ang pakiramdam. Gusto ko na talagang tumigil nalang...