it's now 12.30am monday and im... i just don't want to go to work tomorrow/later.
and i don't want this kind of life anymore, where it's like... im just waiting on people, work or not. constantly worried about possibilities and why isnt mudra's cough going away (it's improving but feels too slow), pudra's memory clearly showing signs of deterioration every so often, both of them seemingly not aware, or in denial, of things they can't and should do/eat, me constantly running after them like a mother running after their toddler cos hes about to jump into rapid traffic or the train tracks and theres an incoming train.. pick them up, put them far from those places, and they just run back if you so much as blink...
it makes me physically sad. it makes me... my mind imagines my weight getting extremely heavy so that all i can physically do is slump and overflow thru my chair, too heavy and clumsy to push to the office, or do anything for that matter.
and then i think of the why and it all goes down to death. the ultimate ending. the forced goal. the one state we cant run from anyway so why bother. everything feels so superficial and "whats the point".