I think i need a warm hug. A hug where i could just fully deflate for a few minutes.
20241027
20241025
I dont know why u appeared in my dream today. Let me remember:
Formal looking resto with high ceilings and all, situated in its own building, that stands with other shop and resto buildings, in what looks like an outdoor walking mall (think tagaytay seda park).
We were eating at said resto with other mutual relatives - who, i didnt see. You came with your boyfriend AND your ex bf for some reason. But your current bf is sitting far away, at a sofa at the edge of the room, and eating his food there on his own table. While your ex is sitting beside me; i was sitting between u and him. Ex bf seems shy, and acts like someone in an unfamiliar crowd - quiet, looking around, doesnt speak but is trying to fit in. I assist him sometimes. Sometimes u also do but u have to stand up to get to him, so not very practical.
At some point mum (shes one of the guests) says shes going outside for a while. She does, we continue chatting a bit and having bites of food. Then a bit later it starts to rain. You look towards the glass windows and stand up, get your umbrella and start walking to my mum. I somehow forgot that mum was outside so when i saw you stand up, it didnt immediately sink in that youre going to my mum to help her.
Then i wake up.
Very random. The last part made me feel like a failure of a daughter. And the abrupt end made me feel sad.
Formal looking resto with high ceilings and all, situated in its own building, that stands with other shop and resto buildings, in what looks like an outdoor walking mall (think tagaytay seda park).
We were eating at said resto with other mutual relatives - who, i didnt see. You came with your boyfriend AND your ex bf for some reason. But your current bf is sitting far away, at a sofa at the edge of the room, and eating his food there on his own table. While your ex is sitting beside me; i was sitting between u and him. Ex bf seems shy, and acts like someone in an unfamiliar crowd - quiet, looking around, doesnt speak but is trying to fit in. I assist him sometimes. Sometimes u also do but u have to stand up to get to him, so not very practical.
At some point mum (shes one of the guests) says shes going outside for a while. She does, we continue chatting a bit and having bites of food. Then a bit later it starts to rain. You look towards the glass windows and stand up, get your umbrella and start walking to my mum. I somehow forgot that mum was outside so when i saw you stand up, it didnt immediately sink in that youre going to my mum to help her.
Then i wake up.
Very random. The last part made me feel like a failure of a daughter. And the abrupt end made me feel sad.
20241011
I just feel empty.
I do things and play games to temporarily not feel empty.
Once i stop, the moment i stop, the emptiness comes flooding back.
Life is apparently full of things to learn and enjoy.
I see these, but i don't, can't find the interest to indulge in them. I can't even enjoy drawing anymore.
I wonder if this can still change. But at the moment, i don't see how it could. You could bring me to different activities and i could enjoy it temporarily, but i detach afterward. I guess i just don't want to stick to something that i know i can't maintain. And the older i get, the more that kind of possibility feels to be fleeting away.
I do things and play games to temporarily not feel empty.
Once i stop, the moment i stop, the emptiness comes flooding back.
Life is apparently full of things to learn and enjoy.
I see these, but i don't, can't find the interest to indulge in them. I can't even enjoy drawing anymore.
I wonder if this can still change. But at the moment, i don't see how it could. You could bring me to different activities and i could enjoy it temporarily, but i detach afterward. I guess i just don't want to stick to something that i know i can't maintain. And the older i get, the more that kind of possibility feels to be fleeting away.
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