there is no. way. to describe my emptiness.

yeah that sounds so emo and shit but i don't know how else to describe how i feel.

you know when people are having fun and you're there to see it and yet you can't really share with the mirth. like, yeah you can maybe smile a bit, but those're just temporary. glimpses. after that, you can't smile anymore like others would.

i dunno. you can't really force yourself to laugh. people know when they hear fake laughs. and i know it myself when my laugh is fake.

i don't know how else to describe this. just really feeling empty and tired of life.

again, i'm not suicidal. yet. i hope i do actually, i kinda wish that i can get to that point. because right now, i'm too scared to do it. lol sissy. but yeah, i still got that much respect and fear of death, enough not to do it just yet.

everything in my system is trying to rebel over everything. hah.

aw geesh. i can't help it. i'm just happy today. hahaha. omg.

i mean i did not even talk or do P.R. or anything, like, no effort to lighten up, at all. i just did what i think is best and what i think i'm good at. and... i got complimented. excuse me. we got complimented. this won't happen if it's just me.

i'm so happy aslkdjalksjdfkjalsdfjals XD

The idea of going into reclusion feels more and more appealing... i'm finding it hard finding my place in this world...