I've been feeling... not relaxed, for some weeks now. Err.. is antsy the word? I gotta search.
Wish you were here, and wish you could just hold me steady. A hug would be really great right now. I also just miss you in general. I also wonder how you're doing. You've been quiet for weeks. Hope you and your fam are ok.

I just have to write this because bottling up my feelings makes me feel anxious and antsy...

Everytime she posts any text from you, i feel jealousy, sadness, and being not enough.

Why can't i be as talkative and confident as her?

And so many petty, negative, backwards comments spring up in my head.

Esp because i know that all she sees in you is your looks.

I feel... inadequate. Dad's comment keeps repeating in my head.

"Buti pa (sya) may silbi ano?"

I think i tend to overcompensate now? Neverending duties and favors...

I only ever wonder if you see whatever worth i have... may have... or maybe this is all there is...

I miss you today.

I keep wondering if there will come a time that i will see you again.
I still miss you. Less, i guess. But i still get affected by... yeah.
Right now it honestly just feels like hurt.. like pain. An open wound being aerated.
I miss you but it will just hurt to see you again. I don't mind going through that pain, but i also can't just push that pain aside...

Something's missing...
Where are you...

Im just feeling depressed.

in my head i want to be hit with the severe strain so that i can go now.

in my head i know that it will wreck havoc over the lives of everyone i'm with.

in my head i know that it's not guaranteed i will die, but that exact chance of deaths will apply to all these other lives, and esp that of my parents.

but in my head, i just want to go...
in my head i want to tempt fate and rush towards the so-called risk that i think of as my escape plan...

i just wish it didn't take anyone else, nor anyone else with me...

and for vain reasons i want to see that i have made a mark on people, because for selfish reasons i want my efforts to be validated, for that planted good to mark and spread, IF it is good.

if 1 or 2 people remember me, that would be happiness for me already.

if someone i love, or used to love, cries for me, that would be... something i will cherish, if i can, as long as i can... because then i know i've left a mark. such selfishness. it doesn't mean though that i didn't wish that i hadn't touched his life for him to cry for me now.

but, i'm sure it would be short-lived anyway.

i just wanna go.

I'm sleepy. I was alarmed when i saw Jul 11 and thought it is your birthday today.
No more of you left... but it doesn't make me indifferent. It just makes me sad...

This unspeakable yearning is rather depressing. It can drag every little detail of life down.
I miss you, but... not so much, in that, you don't seem to miss me anyway. Which just tells me that.. my hope is for naught.
But i miss you and your imaginary warmth from an imaginary hug. Something i have not had for years. Something lost to me but i'm still trying to find. I miss your imaginary companionship and our imaginary connection, an imaginary bridge we can both cross. A breaking of chains. A pure and wholesome freedom.
I can only long for it. Reality remains cold and unwelcoming...

I forget how it feels like to be genuinely interested in anything.
It's like... there is a void that is supposed to be filled with happy things, interesting things, things that i want to know more about... but this void is being continuously filled up with other things, these other things that are like strong flowing water from a continuously running faucet, and the void is continuously full and moving, flowing and erupting, not keeping anything, and nothing good is coming in and staying, because it is also being pushed out by the continuous fall and spill of water...