I just feel empty.
I do things and play games to temporarily not feel empty.
Once i stop, the moment i stop, the emptiness comes flooding back.
Life is apparently full of things to learn and enjoy.
I see these, but i don't, can't find the interest to indulge in them. I can't even enjoy drawing anymore.
I wonder if this can still change. But at the moment, i don't see how it could. You could bring me to different activities and i could enjoy it temporarily, but i detach afterward. I guess i just don't want to stick to something that i know i can't maintain. And the older i get, the more that kind of possibility feels to be fleeting away.

You were in my dream about... pottery? It was me, my cousin, you, and another cousin. Other cousin greeted you hbd but we sort of raised our eyebrows to that. Then cousin asked when exactly is your birthday and i struggled a bit. Eventually answered June 10, but thats wrong.

Then you made this silly clay branch piece and stuck it to a bouquet of clay flowers, and we were laughing so much.

Thats all.

Every thought is peppered with a wish that tomorrow is the end.
The sadness has been coming in waves. I know im just hormonal again. Right smack on this day/week. But yeah. It's magnifying my feelings a bit too strongly. It'll pass. I just wish i could go back up before i crash again.

saw you in a complete suit. baka ikakasal na kayo?

haha.

I dreamed of you last night. And as usual, you're always out of reach. Always something blocking you from view. Always something taking my attention. And when i try to go back, you're gone. Or you're there, but i'm always third party, just the faraway observer trying to blend in with everyone else so i can stay and at the very least, i know that im in the same room as you.

Thurd party. Funny typo.

Anyway. Such is life, i guess. If the stars don't say, it's not gonna happen, not even if you tried.

Maybe i should just stop worrying about what will be left and just do it. They'll find a way to fix those things anyway, and really i can't be buggered to do it anymore then.

Pagod na pagod na ko...

I keep thinking of you. But it feels wrong of me.
I'm building a version of you in my head, one who is receptive and mutual. One who cares about me. But these are unrealistic expectations and i shouldn't be setting these as your standard. I'll only be disappointed and it's not even your fault that i am.
My friend said that me still feeling this way is just digging a deep hole in my heart. I think he's right. But i don't know how to fill it up.
I still miss you, or the image of you in my head. But i hope that, at some near point, i will learn to stop hurting myself with an image of you that you can't, or won't, be able to match.

I wonder what i have.. i feel like my heart might be doing poorly. My ankles swell quite often. And this headache, and body pain, both going on for days now.
Ive been thinking, so many good people passing away recently...
Why not just me? Not like ive any use anyway. Wouldnt be a good idea to let useless people live. We'll just be wasting resources.
Then again maybe i did something unforgivable in my past life so im suffering for it now.
Lol. Ewan. Pagod na po ako. Sana kahit man lang guminhawa naman ang pakiramdam. Gusto ko na talagang tumigil nalang...

killing myself deliciously, i guess