The Artist's Mirror: Discovery

2011-12-31T02:30:00.001+08:00

so i would like to document my experience through the realms of porn.

my friend introduced me to it. it wasn't anything dirty. she just happened to like reading manga and sometimes she chances upon mild stuff that leads her to hentai sites. so i was first introduced to hentai. and then out of mere curiosity i learned of the existence of bestiality and fantasy and hardcore, etc etc. also learned later on that there are some sites that just deal with fetishes and some that just deal with the fantasy of being raped.

side comment: humans, and i am speaking as one, are weird.

i did go thru several stuff of porn, including games, just to know what makes em click so much.

of all the stuff i saw, i just learned one thing: porn is NOT like life. it just lacks... vitality? i dunno. i can't really term it. but it's so... flat. maybe some get turned on by what's happening in front of them but... in the end, i think what makes porn click is that it makes you yearn for the warmth of the real thing. and since most likely, none is available, you continue watching more porn, in search of that human warmth.

how can i say that? well, i get tired after watching the start of a few clips. you watch one, you've watched it all. it's always, always empty.

2011-12-31T02:00:00.001+08:00

I just realized, that it's almost 2012, and i'm still single, and i'm still looking for something, and i'm still as indecisive as ever, and i'm still as scared as ever.

I don't know if i'm hopeless, or if now is the right time to be hopeful.

2011-07-25T22:13:00.000+08:00

i was studying in this university. the univ has this really huge, or well, fat building with 4 floors. all white walls and several staircases. i don't recall it having elevators. if i estimated it right, it has 3 main staircases, and 2 at each end serving as fire escapes.

i was in my P.E. class at that time. no classroom really, just a... gym of some sort, or large session hall with no particular seating order. but i'm not exactly sure because my surroundings sometimes shift to that of a windowed hall; and then to a room with many windows, letting sunlight get in, and a blackboard in front; and then to a huge communal bathroom with white tiled walls and several showers separated by, again, white tiled walls. but no curtains to cover the showering person. the bathroom also has several really huge bath tubs, and by huge i mean you can lie in it head to foot and sink in 2ft of water. tubs were also white, with silver faucets and handles.

so i was in P.E. class, and i can't see who the professor/instructor is, but what i know is that i had to marry someone or else . no i can't remember why i had to marry someone.

i was staying in a dorm at that time with 1 of my high school classmates; a girl we nickname Jeca. just note the name.

so yeah, my goal is to get someone to agree to be my husband/pair. at that time, Jeca and i were considered a pair because we were both staying in the same room in the dorm. but i went to find my former crush, Jay, and ask him if he would agree to be my pair. i found him in a classroom, same one i described earlier with a black board and many windows. he agreed. HE AGREED. (mga kaklase ko lang makakaintindi kung bat ako na-shock)

so, since he agreed, i had to tell Jeca that we can't be the required pairing. i told her about it and she was like, "ok! goodbye then!", waving her hands at me and walking away.

then the dream ended.

2011-07-19T16:55:00.000+08:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

2011-07-06T00:29:00.000+08:00

www.colorquiz.com

Your Existing Situation

"Seeking for her own identity, is sensitive and seeks close nurturing relationships and environments. Has an eye for beauty and a desire to have her emotions protected and further developed."

Your Stress Sources

"Unfulfilled hopes have left her feeling uncertain and even a little fearful about the future. Needs to feel secure and avoid further disappointment; fears she will be looked over, lose her position, or lose respect. Has little hope that things will get better in time and her negative attitude leads her to place impossible demands on others or to compromise or bargain."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."

Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. she is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome her lack of energy and may become irritable if she does not recover.

"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."

Your Desired Objective

"Is intimidated by the activities going on around her. Conflict and disagreements tend to drain her and therefore she avoids those situations. Often times she will hide with plans and goals from others, because she fears they will openly attack her. she works out her plans in private so as not to cause any problems or trouble with others."

Your Actual Problem

"Inability to reach her goals, she is afraid to create or pursue new goals because she fears the rejection and let down they may cause her. she is feeling anxious and escapes by withdrawing into herself and protecting her emotions leaving her moody and depressed."

2011-05-17T00:23:00.000+08:00

floating oblivion - bernice [cat meows] on Plurk: "sometimes i feel like deep inside i'm becoming colder towards everything. like this is just a facade that i have no intention of faking."

yeah. that's how it feels. not all the time of course, but... most of the time. like... like i'm automatically hiding things because i feel they are not suited for sharing to everyone.

i feel like, there are always eyes watching my every move. even my laughs. i think i only forget the eyes when i'm really really angry. but by then i'm mindful of how i'm acting, because i don't want my discipline to break. i don't want to go to that little zone where i KNOW i will destroy things out of anger. literally. i broke my glasses once, and once also almost broke a cloth hanger. i don't have any personality disorders, but i'm really holding back a lot when i'm angry. i think i might destroy doors.

i think that's the result of being... corked up all my life. the result of being what someone else wants me to be, and me following those orders. i can say that i don't have any direction right now other than to be a-a "therapy dog". you know, help the elderly/disabled do chores, do what needs to be done, nothing else besides that. and i think it's because i didn't grow up exposed to stuff like that. seriously, my parents never gave me weekly allowances, only gave me like P300 and then until it disappeared i'm not going to get more. i have no idea how to "use" money, to "save" money, money limits and stuff. i don't know how to commute other than by taxi or maybe 1-ride jeepney stops. i taught myself to talk with waiters because if i didn't, i'd have sweated dead ordering ice cream.

you see how stupid that is?

and now that i'm trying to learn what i can, the eyes suddenly produce mouths and the mouths keep commenting about what i do. it's like everything i do is going to undergo evaluation, because the eyes don't trust me enough that i will do well in whatever i'm doing.

i'm tired.

i'm happy when i'm talking with friends, sharing stuff with them, making them laugh, making them snort, doing stuff with them, debating with them, sharing opinions, sharing feelings, having good laughs, learning about each other's stupidities, etc etc etc. it's so lovely when it's like that. it's so... unreserved. so calm and relaxed. it's so natural. no pretenses required, intended or unintended.

i wish everything went like that for me. maybe, in a way, i'm also paranoid. but it has a cause. :(

2011-05-07T15:24:00.000+08:00

i don't know what exactly pushed me to return to my treadmill. but i'm quite bent on doing this everyday.

maybe changes are coming. i really hope so.

2011-04-14T02:36:00.000+08:00

so many kitties... so beautiful.

and nobody wants them.

i don't understand :(

here i am, loving them so much, trying to care for them if i can, but i can't touch them :/

the world, life, isn't fair. at all.

saving up

2011-04-02T02:26:00.002+08:00

why do people value their lives so much?

it's a... kinda rhetorical question. depending on who's reading/asked. but it's not rhetorical for me.

it's been years since i found out that, if you are diabetic, your supposed life span has 27 years deducted from it. so if i were normally to live to 80yrs old, now i will only get to 53yrs old.

that fact... it makes me hope for my early death. gary valenciano is purported by doctors to be living a miraculously (maybe a bit of an overrated adjective) long life. he got his diagnosis at 14. if i'm right, i think he may be at his 40's now. that makes about 26/+ years of living with diabetes.

i got my diagnosis when i was 8yrs old. if i were to base my life span on gary v's, or just the possibility of it, i may live (8 + approx 25 =) 33 years on this existence, and that would be phenomenal already.

meh.

i dunno... this fact just makes me tired of living. i mean, i'm not that eager anymore to, like, learn new stuff, or actually study new stuff, get involved with things, push myself to excellence, etc etc. because, if my life will be this short, what use would it be learn/share/experience? i'm very much contented with what i'm experiencing now, really. i do have a lot of things i want to try, but i think they're not much of a motivation anymore, since... since even if i did experience it, i might not be able to share it with anyone anyway, even to future children and grandchildren if there are any in my "normal" future.

i just want people to see me as i am.

some people would probably think, "ah. if that's what you want, then why aren't you trying to experience new things, just to let people know that THAT is who you are?" well, i don't, because i don't want my experiences to overshadow who i really am. in normal circumstances. without the prompting of inescapable/uncontrollable situations. i want people to know me as how i respond to what comes to me naturally. and i want them to see that me defenses are pure and true (was thinking noble, but no. hah.), and yes, it is defenses i intend to type. defending is a reaction, you know. you don't defend against something that doesn't exist/prompt you to defend against.

so, why is my title like that? i've been talking about myself and my disease for several paragraphs already.

my title's like that, because i have a lot of classmates whose goals are to get rich or die trying (cliche lol). they want to get rich because they're going to spend their savings on vacations, sports, collections, vanity, fun, and maybe unconsciously, for their old selves. they will do anything to save up tons of money, and later on splurge it on stuff they love or love to do. it's like it's wired up in their heads that, "i am going to have the time of my life after i save up millions, and when i get old, i'll just hire somebody to feed me. they'd even get 24th month pay."

but what if they had my disease? what if, at an early age, they are told that their lives are gonna be 27 years lesser than normal? what if they are told that they won't be dying of diabetes, but of the complications it brings with it? that there is a possibility that they will get blind, wreck their livers, block their kidneys, get into coma, just for eating ice cream or candies, and all/some of those diseases possibly coming at an early age? how would they think about life?

would they even think about having a fun future and growing old graciously?

How To Steal Like An Artist (And 9 Other Things Nobody Told Me) - Austin Kleon

2011-04-01T23:00:00.000+08:00

How To Steal Like An Artist (And 9 Other Things Nobody Told Me) - Austin Kleon

this is a friggin inspiration booster. this is going to push me far. i just hope i don't keep resisting.

thanks so much Austin Kleon.

Right Brain vs Left Brain Creativity Test - The Art Institute of Vancouver

2011-03-23T21:11:00.000+08:00

Thank you for taking the Creativity Test. The results show your brain dominance as being:

Left Brain Right Brain
41% 59%

You are more right-brained than left-brained. The right side of your brain controls the left side of your body. In addition to being known as right-brained, you are also known as a creative thinker who uses feeling and intuition to gather information. You retain this information through the use of images and patterns. You are able to visualize the "whole" picture first, and then work backwards to put the pieces together to create the "whole" picture. Your thought process can appear quite illogical and meandering. The problem-solving techniques that you use involve free association, which is often very innovative and creative. The routes taken to arrive at your conclusions are completely opposite to what a left-brained person would be accustomed. You probably find it easy to express yourself using art, dance, or music. Some occupations usually held by a right-brained person are forest ranger, athlete, beautician, actor/actress, craftsman, and artist.

Your complete evaluation follows below:
Your left brain/right brain percentage was calculated by combining the individual scores of each half's sub-categories. They are as follows:

Your Left Brain Percentages

43% Linear (Your most dominant characteristic)
34% Symbolic
25% Logical
20% Reality-based
18% Sequential
0% Verbal (Your least dominant characteristic)

Your Right Brain Percentages

57% Fantasy-oriented (Your most dominant characteristic)
39% Intuitive
37% Concrete
32% Nonverbal
12% Holistic
12% Random (Your least dominant characteristic)

What Do These Percentages Mean?
Low percentages are common in the Brain Type Test and are not indicative of intelligence. Instead, medium to high scores (30 - 50%) are desireable, as they show an ability to utilize a processing method without an abnormal reliance on it. Special focus should be paid to highly dominant (50% or above) or highly recessive (0 - 30%) methods, as they tend to limit your approach when learning, memorizing, or solving problems.

If you have Highly Dominant characteristics, your normal thinking patterns will naturally utilize these methods. Conscious effort is required to recognize the benefits of other techniques. Using multiple forms of information processing is the best way to fully understand complex issues and become a balanced thinker.

If you have Highly Recessive characteristics, your normal thinking patterns naturally ignore these methods. You may only consider these under-utilized techniques when "all else fails," or possibly not at all. It is important to recognize the benefits of all of your brain's capabilities in order to become a balanced thinker.

Left Brain Categories

Linear Processing
Linear processing is a method by the left hemisphere to process information. In this process, the left brain takes pieces of information, lines them up, and proceeds to arrange them into an order from which it may draw a conclusion. The information is processed from parts to a whole in a straight, forward, and logical progression.

Your Linear Analysis

When processing information using this method, you will occasionally feel the need to see the "whole picture" before you are able to achieve results. At other times, you are able to piece all of the parts together in a straight and logical progression to form a whole, which then enables you to understand what you have processing. The information, your mood, and your level of comfortable are all factors that determine your response to a linear processing problem.

Symbolic Processing
Symbolic processing is a method associated with the left hemisphere that is used for processing the information of pictures and symbols. The majority of functions associated with academics involve symbols such as letters, words, and mathematical notations. This process is what aids you to excel in tasks such as linguistics, mathematics, and memorizing vocabulary words and mathematical formulas.

Your Symbolic Analysis

You have the ability to process the information of symbols at times, but you may need to first view the real object before you can understand what you are trying to process. For example, in solving math problems it occasionally helps you to "draw out" the problem, which allows you to better understand it through visualization. At other times you do not need visualization to aid you in forming your answers.

Logical Processing
Logical processing is a method that is used by the left hemisphere to take information piece by piece and put it all together to form a logical answer. When information is received through reading or listening, the left hemisphere will look for different bits of information that will allow it to produce a logical conclusion. This aspect of the left hemisphere is what aids you in solving math problems and science experiments.

Your Logical Analysis

When processing information using this method, you may consider the information before you and produce a logical answer, or you may tend to go with your gut. You may discover that you can "guess" your way through S.A.T. questions about as accurately as you can deduce them. It is important that you nurture your ability to use logic whenever it is needed, but do not neglect other methods of processing information if you hit a logical roadblock.

Reality-based Processing
Reality-based processing is used by the left hemisphere as a method for processing information with a basis on reality. This processing tool focuses on rules and regulations. An example of this would be how a left-brained person would completely understand the repercussions of turning in a late assignment or failing a test. A left-brained person also usually easily adjusts to changes in their environment.

Your Reality-based Analysis

The information you process may lack a basis on reality, but it does open the door to creativity. You do not show much focus for rules and regulations and do not adjust well to change in the environment. In fact, upon experiencing change in the environment, it spurs you to try to change it yourself instead of adjusting to it. Whenever you become emotionally involved in project you are more likely to learn and succeed.

Sequential Processing
Sequential processing is a method used by the left hemisphere for processing information. The information that is received is processed in order from first to last. Information is processed in a systematic, logical manner. Through sequential processing, you can interpret and produce symbolic information such as language, mathematics, abstraction, and reasoning. This process is used to store memory in a language format. Activities that require sequential processing include spelling, making a "to-do" list, and many aspects of organization.

Your Sequential Analysis

You tend process information you receive without any priority as to which is processed first, last, or any place in between. It is difficult for you to learn or perform tasks involving sequence. For example, spelling is a task that involves sequence and you may experience problems remembering exact spelling or any type of rote memorization, for that matter. Creating daily lists and plans are probably not activities you enjoy. If you are having problems with tasks involving sequence, there are methods you can use to improve your skills. One method involves using colors to learn sequence. You assign a color to each task. For example, you may want to make the first step green, the second step blue, and the last step red. This helps because the right side of the brain, your dominant side in this case, is sensitive to colors. The important thing to remember is that consistently using the same sequence will help you both improve and recognize that this strategy can be used in many different circumstances involving sequence.

Verbal Processing
Verbal processing is a method used by the left hemisphere to process our thoughts and ideas with words. For example, through verbal processing, a left-brained person giving directions may say, "From this point continue east for two miles and turn north onto Bellevue Road. Continue north on Bellevue Road for seven miles and turn west on Main Street". With verbal processing, exact, logical directions are given in a very sequential manner compared to a right-brained person who, in giving the same directions, would use more visual landmarks.

Your Verbal Analysis

You are not a verbal person. When you process your thoughts, you tend to use very few words, preferring instead to illustrate a problem or solution. You often find yourself in situations where it is hard for you to "find the right words." Upon reading or hearing new information, you must first create a "mental video" before you can process and understand the information of your thoughts. For example, when giving directions, you probably use many gestures with your hands such as pointing and leaning, and also refer to visual structures such as "a McDonalds" or "the big tree" instead of street names or exact mileage.

Right Brain Categories

Fantasy-oriented Processing
Fantasy-oriented processing is used by the right hemisphere as a method for processing information with creativity. It focuses much less on rules and regulations than the processing method of a left-brained person. Due to the fantasy-oriented processing mechanism of a right-brained person, they do not adjust well to change. Instead of adapting to the change in the environment, a right-brained person attempts to change it back to the way they liked it. But fantasy-oriented processing also provides the advantage of creativity to right-brained individuals, and since emotion is integral of the right side of the brain, anything a fantasy-oriented person becomes involved in emotionally will aid their ability to learn.

Your Fantasy-oriented Analysis

You are highly able to process information you receive with creativity. Your focus does not get caught up in rules and regulations. However, you usually do not adjust well to change. Instead of adapting to it, you often try to keep things as they were. Creativity is your big advantage as well as your tendency to become emotionally involved in your work.

Intuitive Processing
Intuitive processing is a method that is used by the right hemisphere to process information based on if it "feels" right or not. For example, a right-brained person may choose an answer on a test because they had a "gut" feeling and often they will be correct. Another example of this is how a right-brained person will know the correct answer to a math problem but will not understand the procedure of how they arrived at the correct answer. A right-brained person will usually have to start with the answer and work their way backwards in order to be able to see and understand the parts and process that create the whole.

Your Intuitive Analysis

When processing information, at times you are able to go with your "gut" instincts. At other times you may doubt your instincts, or prefer to put information together piece by piece to form your conclusion. You should be careful not to ignore your intuition, but at the same time do not solely rely on it.

Concrete Processing
Concrete processing is a method associated with the right hemisphere that is used for processing things that can be seen or touched. It processes much of the information you receive from real objects. For example, a right-brained person is not just satisfied that a mathematical formula may work, but will want to know why it works. A strongly concrete person often finds it easier to solve a mathematical problem by "drawing it out" because it allows them to visualize it. The more a concrete person can visualize something the easier it is for them to understand it.

Your Concrete Analysis

At times, you feel the need to see a real object in order to understand it. At other times, you are able to understand a problem on a symbolic level. For example, you may find that in solving math problems, it occasionally helps you to "draw out" the problem in order to understand and solve it.

Nonverbal Processing
Nonverbal processing is a method used by the right hemisphere to process our thoughts with illustrations. Reliance on this method is why it is occasionally difficult for right-brained people to "find the right words" in certain situations. A right-brained person cannot just read or hear information and process it, but first must make a mental video to better understand the information they have received. For example, through nonverbal processing, a person giving directions may say, "Continue going straight until you see a big, red-brick courthouse. At the courthouse turn right, and go down that street for a couple of miles until you se a gray stone church which will be on your right. Straight across from the church is the road to the left you need to take." With nonverbal processing, the directions that are given are extremely visual compared to the exact, sequential directions that would be given by a left-brained person.

Your Nonverbal Analysis

When processing your thoughts and ideas, you use tend to use both illustrations and words. When giving directions, you probably use both visual illustrations such as, "keep going until you see a McDonalds on your right; then turn left at the Home Depot", and technical terms such as, "travel for two miles and turn east onto First Street."

Holistic Processing
Holistic processing is a method used by the right hemisphere to process information. The information is processed from whole to parts. A right-brained person, through holistic processing, is able to see the big picture first, but not the details that accompany it. A strongly holistic person may often find that prior to listening to a lecture given by an instructor, they must first read the chapter so that they better understand what the lecture is about. This function is also what provides to you your visual spatial skills. It also aids in tasks such as dancing and gymnastics. Through holistic processing, memory is stored in auditory, visual, and spatial modalities.

Your Holistic Analysis

You have difficulty seeing the whole picture, especially at the beginning of a project. You tend to process information you receive from its parts to its whole in a straight, progressive manner. When given a task, you tend to not bother asking "why," but instinctively are able to do it.

Random Processing
Random processing is a method used by the right hemisphere for processing information. The information that is received is processed without priority. A right-brained person will usually jump from one task to another due to the random processing by their dominant right hemisphere. Random processing is, of course, the opposite of sequential processing therefore making it difficult for right-brained individuals to choose to learn in sequence. In order to overcome this, a right-brained person may want to attempt to learn sequence by using colors since the right hemisphere is sensitive to color. For example, you may want to associate the first step with green, the second step with blue, and the last step with red. Consistently using the same sequence will allow you to see that this strategy can be applied to many tasks involving sequence.

Your Random Analysis

You tend to not process data randomly, preferring instead to follow a systematic, logical order from first to last. You have difficulty making "leaps of logic" which prevents you from making unique discoveries, or adapt to change during your thinking process.

2011-01-06T03:06:00.000+08:00

...aaand you're going to delete me soon. probably.

for one second there i felt like crying. wooh. hahahaha. this is bad.

well yeah it is boring you faggot. if you haven't figured that out before then hell, i'd say you're boring too. and i guess you are, because you've been paying several coveted dollars for it, when in actuality you won't be going anywhere with the darn thing. seriously, what are you paying for? getting to the top of the charts? bah humbug. you get there and soon enough you get back to the lowest rung of the ladder. and you realize your dollars just went nowhere but the pockets of the damn publishers. no victory dance there.

then again, when you're gone, you're gone.nothing left for me.

2011-01-05T03:09:00.000+08:00

what exactly would it take to get you?

hai. then again. turn off. lol. or, more like lmao.

it would be a waste though. your wit is my type. very rarely see people like you.

2011-01-03T22:20:00.001+08:00

T_T wrong guy.

i thought you were the average, smartass type. wroooooong.

gosh i really hate them.

now that i think about it, you got affected by that word... HAHAHAHAHAHA. oh my god. i think you're gay. or have tendencies to be one.

oh my god HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

gahd i'm so judgmental. sorry. but i really can't avoid that hypothesis. (was about to say conclusion... but not yet.)

2010-12-29T01:16:00.000+08:00

when you read the English penpoops of a real English-monger, it doesn't sound all to complicated and stuff. it actually sounds sincere and true. and innocent. except the part of "i wish s/he/it will get better. all my prayers!". that part sounds like an automated message.

just my eyes/ears though.

2010-12-29T00:59:00.000+08:00

my personality... is one who waits. i don't want to start the conversation. i don't want to play up to expectations. i want things done because i'm told to do them. i definitely don't flirt. it doesn't come naturally to me.

but i might be getting trodden upon. oh well. price to pay. sad but true. better be real than look stupid. although sometimes the other way works.

2010-12-23T09:09:00.002+08:00

tatanga tanga. Andami kong inaasahan kahit alam ko ni isa dun di naman matutupad.

sorry po sa lahat ng kabobohang pinaniniwalaan ko. yun lang naman po kasi ang bumubuhay sakin. saka sorry po sa lahat ng katangahan. sorry pag di ako nakakasunod sa utos saka sa pinapagawa. pasensya na kayo. pagod na ko e. nakakapagod pag walang direksyon ang buhay. parang laro lang. parang rpg na walang quests. di mo alam gagawin mo pero di mo rin matapos-tapos.

2010-11-01T21:45:00.000+08:00

awwwww i haven't visited you for... several months? i miss you my dear blog :)

2010-09-13T18:37:00.000+08:00

do i still...?

2010-08-21T01:30:00.000+08:00

i think i've seen it all now. not interested anymore. haha. curiosity bites to taste.

2010-08-21T00:45:00.000+08:00

tsk tsk. bad new knowledge.

2010-08-03T01:10:00.000+08:00

soooo... well not "so" confused. just a bit. but i'm done being naive.

you would have been sweet at times, but apparently everyone will FIRST look after what they need, and you needed someone to order around. that's not me. sorry.

you seem to say that you're needing me? or maybe miss me? i don't know where your loyalty lies and up to where your boundaries are. and apparently having a girlfriend isn't enough for you. you'd sacrifice her insecurities just to get what you want, which, up to now i can only decipher as 2 things: (1) need for control, or (2) need for acceptance.

we're friends, isn't that enough? it's not like i owe you anything worth my life. it's not like i owe you anything at all. and i mean, after all that? after feeling like i'm such a "desperate case", you still expect me to be the same?

your. girlfriend. is. having. jealousy. problems. even now that i'm not contacting you. so what the fuck, are you dirtying my name?

i think you have serious control issues.

no, don't expect anything sweet from me anymore. don't even expect me to be warm to you. i found out about a month ago that you weren't worth all the warmth in the world. you're simply selfish.

2010-06-10T02:31:00.000+08:00

i'm hurt. too hurt.

sad.

2010-06-03T00:50:00.000+08:00

i shoulda been named Adriane. lolz.

2010-06-03T00:39:00.000+08:00

gaaaaaaah i miss you so much :<

2010-05-21T23:17:00.000+08:00

i miss you soooo much. but i also want to forget you.

she has the message on pinpoint. hahaha. i should have had that avatar.

"someday someone's gonna love me"

hahaha.

maybe somebody does already, i'm just not interested. it could be said that i'm selfish and unfair when it comes to that point, but...

how could you teach your heart to love?

wouldn't it be more unfair if i accepted someone because he loves me, then i couldn't, just couldn't love him back?

how do you separate a lover from a friend?

and how do you treat a lover as just a friend, knowing that what she feels inside is worse than not knowing you at all?

i told myself before to be, real. just real.

this is who i am, and i am presenting it to you as is. i don't want to change, because you might fall for the change and not the real me. i can't afford that.

but if this is the price i have to pay for being me...

it's sad, but i'm keeping myself as i am.

I DON'T DESERVE YOU.

(yeah for once i'm going to uplift my self worth.)

i could cry a bit, get depressed a bit, miss you a bit, but altogether you're going to fade away from me.

and it's not going to be easy for me, because i've learned to accept who you are.

it's like trying to fight my preferences to make me think that you're bad, you're ugly, you're not as comedic or as concerned or as friendly or as deep as you are.

(well you're not that deep anyway lolz)

yeah. let's start with the cleanup now. get on with the reminiscing. the sooner the better.

2010-05-19T00:40:00.000+08:00

i'm texting you and you're replying. we joke each other. laugh about it.

you keep teasing me. i tease back, but i guess you're better at it. it's ok though. all smiles.

you ask something, i answer. you answer back that you don't get it. i understand (the word i used was deeper anyway). so i answer again.

you're gonna post it now?

why?

for someone?

... for someone?

do i even mean anything to you?
does it even mean anything that i told you i loved you?

guess not.

my heart's close to bursting now. haha. i feel like i'm such a desperate case.

2010-05-07T02:05:00.000+08:00

i want to write out my frustrations but, what the fuck, a real paper to write on would be much better right now. blogs don't suck in tears.

2010-04-30T03:07:00.000+08:00

2010-04-26T01:10:00.001+08:00

natatakot ako huminga dahil baka ang lumabas lang ay hikbi.

2010-04-12T01:34:00.001+08:00

SPILL. SPILL EVERYTHING. SAY EVERYTHING. DON'T USE CORNERS AND SPLITS AND CURVES. SAY IT OUT STRAIGHT. I WILL HEAR YOU. I'M JUST WAITING.

view page source

2010-03-30T15:42:00.000+08:00

mali. haha. get ready to be single all your life.

2010-03-25T00:43:00.000+08:00

i can't help thinking as to why i like you when you're still such a kid. i mean, really, you don't even know the context of saying "i love you" other than "because i felt like it".

i keep asking that you grow up fast and see me as more than a friend. but, huh, how the heck is that possible. and i wouldn't want you growing up fast by going through something terrible. no. better you go at your own pace.

i'll just sit here and stay and, i dunno, maybe be your sister or something. your friend of course. i don't know your intentions either. you're a living paradigm. i wish i could decode you.

2010-03-22T00:24:00.000+08:00

miss na miss na miss na miss na kita sobra :(

bat pa kasi nabalik e. tsk. di ko naman alam kung me aasahan ba ako.

nakakaasar. oo gusto na kita makausap. gusto ko rin malaman na ganun ka rin sakin. kaso syempre umaasa lang ako. di ko naman alam kung matutupad haha.

tsk.

2010-03-14T22:01:00.000+08:00

what's the reason anyway.

2010-03-14T18:09:00.000+08:00

i wish u would talk to me.

yeah it's all in the sentence. read it. with feelings.
gosh i want to start a conversation but i don't know how and i don't know if i should. maybe u just don't have enough load or something; maybe i'm just being paranoid (noting that i did the first move); maybe there's nothing to get afraid of. but what sort of confirmation do i have? nothing.

i SO regret what i did. darn it.

2010-03-12T23:25:00.000+08:00

plsssss paramdam ka naman. kahit mag babay ka lang. para lang alam ko. pwede na yun T^T

2010-03-10T20:38:00.000+08:00

i might have done something that marked an X on my forehead. haha.

let's see how this goes.

2010-03-10T00:56:00.000+08:00

i miss you! sobra! inuuto ko lang sarili ko hahaha. hay.

sabi sa quiz scared ka daw? so ano, ako mauuna? naman. malay ko ba kung mali pala yun. haha.

2010-03-08T15:53:00.000+08:00

natatakot ako na baka pag nagkita tayo e, aun, umalis ka na. haha.

hai.

2010-03-08T15:51:00.000+08:00

pwede bang sabihin na i love you more? o i loved you earlier?

bwahahaha ang korni amf XD

hai. sana kung totoo yun e diretsuhin mo nalang pagsabi. wag yung pa joke. hahaha. assuming nanaman. sus.

iba to. masaya pero malungkot din.

2010-02-22T23:17:00.000+08:00

potangina. haha. nalungkot ako dun a.

2010-02-18T22:52:00.000+08:00

gagawa ka ng blog. tapos ayaw mo ishare. at the same time gusto mong mabasa nya. HAYNAKO. alanganin talaga yang utak mo. hahahahaha.

tae miss na kita. kaso baka ako lang yun. haha. asanessss.

2010-02-18T03:08:00.000+08:00

im happy. but why are you making this harder for me?

2010-02-16T22:17:00.000+08:00

tingin lang bawal akit o_O

wahahahaha watdapak XD

2010-02-15T04:32:00.000+08:00

hehe.

asan na yun? bat mo tinanggal?
assuming nanaman ako hahaha.

hay. tapos luha ulit. alam na alam ko na mangyayari. sus.

bat ko pa kaya iniinda e alam ko namang walang mangyayari. hay naku. di na natuto.

kahit alam ko nang wala, ayun. masakit parin. haha.

sabi ko dati kahit maging kaclose ko lang yung crush ko. ayun naging close nga. mas mahirap pala hahaha. kala ko mas masaya.

wag ko daw sirain pagkakaibigan namin. dahil kay piolo pascual (HAHAHAHA. WATDAPAK PIOLO PASCUAL.) kung sakali daw dumating yung panahon edi hapi ending potek. haha.

ewan kung tama ako, pero pakiramdam ko di mo yun gusto mangyari. ano dahilan mo? iiwanan ko kau ni carmen su. haha.

sa totoo lang? pakialam ko kung maiwan si carmen su. kaibigan ko lang yun. mejo may kayabangan nga yun e. pero ikaw lang naman talaga yung inaalala ko e. kasi pag dumating yung panahon, SIGURADONG iiwanan kita. kailangan kasi e. awkward yun pag di kita iniwan.

eh ayaw mo din ako umalis. matutuwa na sana ako e, kaso di ko alam kung ano talaga intensyon mo. di ko alam kung torpe ka at hanggang usap kaibigan lang ang kaya mo, o talagang wala at senti ka lang.

"di ko pa kaya mawala ka samin"

sayang. samin. haha.

sakit parin dong. sakit :'(

2010-02-13T04:42:00.000+08:00

heh. whatever was i expecting.

whatever. hays.

2010-02-11T16:35:00.000+08:00

mas magandang di ako makipagkita sayo para kung ano ka sakin ngayon, ganun ka nalang palagi, at di na ko madevelop sayo.

di ko din kasi alam kung mas ok ka sa personal o mas masama, pero sige benefit of the doubt sayo na, kaya iiwasan nalang kita.

ugok ka kasi. ang manhid mo. amp.

di mo pala alam. sabihin nalang nating di mo alam kaya ganyan ka umasal.

kala mo ganun lang yun? haller.

2010-02-11T06:28:00.000+08:00

aww syeeeeeeet. nalulungkot ako. naiiyak ako. aaaaahhhh.

bat ganuuuuuuuuun. do i have to choose all the time??

grabe. potek. mamimiss kita mashado nyan kahit pinaluha mo na ko hahaha. tapos nalaman ko pang ako lang pala yung nagpapakatanga. sus. hahahahaha. hay grabe.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NAMAN EEEHHH

MANHID KA HAYOP KA. MANHID KA MASHADO. aaaawww. ansakit takte hahahaha. tae talaga. maygudnes. nakakaloka ito. sakeeeet. tangina ang manhid mo DONG! GRABE! GRABE TALAGA SYET.

GRABE TT_TT

2010-02-10T22:36:00.000+08:00

i was looking at it all wrong. haha. hahahaha.

yeah, just laugh it off. or else.

2010-02-02T23:47:00.000+08:00

sakit. haha. pero natural reaction ko na ata ang tumawa sa sakit. hay.

wrong move. lagi nalang wrong. tsk.

2010-01-23T03:27:00.000+08:00

this someone. i don't know if i should like him or not. he makes more sense.

the other one. shit. i feel guilty now. i think i still love him though.

hmm.

2010-01-19T14:29:00.000+08:00

awww. whatever happened. di na pwede mag assume hahaha. nakilala ko na kung sino :P

anyway, may sakit, pero di naman sobra. it's good enough we're friends.

*****

hmm. bigla kang bumalik. di ko lang alam kung gm or not. just proves that you're online.

dito ko din makikita kung dapat ba kita bitawan. panibagong pagiintay. hay nako. bat kasi di nalang ako diretsuhin.

2010-01-18T00:34:00.000+08:00

aaaaahhhhh

assuming ako. wahahaha. oh well.

2010-01-16T23:11:00.000+08:00

shit. nakakalungkot :(

kawawa naman yung asawa nya :(

2010-01-16T16:20:00.000+08:00

saya ko. hahaha.

hay. parang bata ulit.

2010-01-09T01:20:00.000+08:00

di ka man lang nagpaparamdam. no text no pm. no online. no note. nothing. parang bigla kang poof. that was since december.

sabi mo busy ka? fine. busy din naman ako e. but i tried finding time to contact u.

kung totoo yung sinabi mong busy ka lang, well, that doesn't sound like something i'd be happy about. i just don't know if you're contented with things that way.

kung di naman totoo, i'd strongly suggest (as if babasahin mo to) na sabihin mo nalang sakin ng diretsahan. para di kita iniintay.

kasi kung di nga totoo, eh FYI, nagmumuka na kong tanga dito.

2010-01-09T01:15:00.000+08:00

miss u.

dunno if i should tho.

2010-01-02T22:20:00.000+08:00

bakit di ka na nagpapakita?

2010-01-01T23:24:00.000+08:00

masama bang maging malungkot dahil sa isang bagay na di naman dapat ika lungkot?

2009-12-31T18:18:00.000+08:00

ganun lang yun. ganun nga lang. hahaha. asa pa ko XD

asa pa ko T_T

hapi new year.

2009-12-30T02:24:00.000+08:00

TANGINA NAGPARAMDAM NGA! HAHAHAHAHA XD

kaso maling paramdam

TT_TT

2009-12-30T02:04:00.000+08:00

tae talaga. haha.

di ko alam kung dapat kitang tawaging manhid. amp.

oo binura ko dati yung sinulat ko, kala ko kasi nagkamali nanaman ako ng hinulugan. di ko padin actually alam kung tama, pero at least nakikita kong mukang di naman mali at di naman masama at di naman ata masakit ang bagsak.

so far ganun.

TAKTE MAGPARAMDAM KA NAMAN!

nakaka-depress at nakakasira pala ng bait ang pagka-miss sa isang tao. hahaha.

mas mabuti pa pala yung pakiramdam na may gusto ka sa isang tao pero di nya alam, tapos anjan ka lang, tumitingin ka lang sa kanya minsan. natutuwa pag anjan sya. maiinggit konti pag may iba syang kasama. mas mabuti pala yung ganyan, kasi kumbaga sa 100% sure, siguro 10% lang ang chance na maging kayo nga, or kahit mapansin ka nya.

e kung nauna kang mapansin, tapos tumagal, tapos finally pakiramdam mo kaya mo nang suklian, tapos biglang POOF nawala sya, ayun. SAKIT DONG. pakiramdam mo lahat ng tumitingin sayo nandidiri sayo o pinagtatawanan ka. kasi, yun ngang nagkagusto sayo iniiwasan ka na e. at malay mo ba kung niloloko ka lang pala nya diba? SAPUL 'BAY, SAPUL.

hay hay hay. anader witdrowal sindrom. ni di ko alam kung babalik ka ba o hinde.

juskolord. kelangan ko ata ng maiiyakan ngayon. sana may mga extra kaming babasaging plato dito, at nang makapatay nga ng ilang kriminal jan sa tabi tabi. the plate bonker vigilante. oha. may kasamang emo side story.

2009-12-29T02:26:00.000+08:00

i think i was mistaken. hmm.

i hope i am. because i'm losing much hope about this.

miss u much T_T
but hope u get well first before anything else.

2009-12-27T23:31:00.000+08:00

because it hurts when you are rejected and you learn about it on your own.

hehe.

another one on my list.

2009-12-26T20:16:00.000+08:00

confessions of a broken heart?

drama amp. haha.

2009-12-25T14:03:00.000+08:00

i keep waiting but it never came.

2009-12-24T23:47:00.000+08:00

shiiiiit i suddenly forgot everything about you that im disappointed at. hay.

2009-12-19T14:10:00.000+08:00

i have just decided that you weren't the right person to have given that compliment.

di ka nga nanloko di ka naman committed. oh well. haha.

2009-12-18T22:32:00.000+08:00

a little realization just hit me.

IF you did read my posts, i'd just want you to know that i don't two-time. it's very much against my principles.

you were always welcome, and i don't collect suitors (para namang marami e wala nga). so there. just clearing that up.

napapraning nanaman ako. hay. sad.

2009-12-18T13:32:00.000+08:00

feeling so emotionally drained.

traydor? wow. ayos.

2009-12-17T22:07:00.000+08:00

2009-12-13T21:13:00.000+08:00

why is it darn hard for women to confess? and what the heck do i have to look for to confess?

i think ...

can't even type it. but i was happy thinking about it.

FVCK

what's keeping me from talking anyway?

hell. i miss you. i really do. hope you get well soon :(

2009-12-08T17:16:00.000+08:00

looking back, that was stupid. heck.

2009-12-07T14:45:00.000+08:00

dreamt of being drunk o_O

2009-12-06T23:44:00.000+08:00

just realized that maybe, on my dying seconds, i'll miss everyone. haha.

amf senti ko.

*****

im just not happy. T_T

2009-12-06T20:56:00.000+08:00

i don't know what i feel o_O

oh crap.

i keep waiting for you, do you know that? i keep waiting and waiting and suddenly you're gone.

i'm afraid to be left alone in a snap, while in the middle of something, and not being told that i'll be alone for long, maybe forever.

(crap. i'm blogging again. this means something...)

i wish that if you're just playing with how i feel, that you'd tell me outright. so i won't hold on to anything. i don't want to do that again. it's terrifying, the consequences. traumatic even. and it's altogether sad.

i might be silent, but it doesn't mean that my mind doesn't notice anything or that i don't feel anything. i have a problem with expression. not a problem, just an incapacity. it's not my nature to speak out loud. but it's my nature to care and worry. it's my nature to be concerned. it's my nature to love unconditionally.

i hope to turn my nature into a gift, not a curse. please help me. or even don't. but please don't degrade me. please don't make me shed tears for the same reason again and again. i don't want to feel that anymore.

2009-12-06T02:40:00.000+08:00

you only really fall in love once in your life? WHATTHEFUCK. WRONG.

or maybe i haven't seen mine yet. hahaha. if there is :/

i = confused.

gaaaah.
gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

goodness i'm confused. i'm so stupid when it comes to this.

can you really accept me for who i am? because i feel you do, but i also feel that it's just temporary.

why do i care anyway o_O

2009-11-29T20:00:00.000+08:00

MALIIIII!!! HAHAHAHAH XDDDD

2009-11-19T01:42:00.000+08:00

i met the biggest living contradiction and i had no idea until now. hahahahaha XDDD JESUSCHRIST! that's... HAHAHAHAHHA XDDDD

ROFLMAO

2009-11-11T01:14:00.000+08:00

i don't feel you anymore.

2009-10-28T00:36:00.000+08:00

and i went "i'll be" with you. only to learn that you're lying to me.

you're the best darned liar i've ever met, and you're the worst moron too. hope you go to hell. i knew there was something fishy about you, i just don't know when to trust my intuition.

this is the first i've heard. and it's already broken your mirror. so what's next?

i don't know why i'm so angry but i just sooooo want to yell at you right now and tell you BASTARD!

maybe it's because i tried to give my all towards your seemingly save-able situation and towards this seemingly positive-forward friendship. and it all went down the drain. it all went down the drain because YOU, FUCKING BASTARD, ARE A LIAR. you piece of crap. now i know why people treat you like you're such an ass. because YOU ARE.

sorry for judging you because of one mistake, but that mistake was a huge one, and it entails you acting like you're busy and changing ways. but no, you weren't. thank God i'm good at befriending, or else i'd be duped all along.

yeah. it's best we cut off contact. i just wish i would succeed in doing just that.

2009-10-27T02:13:00.000+08:00

everyone has their own idea of "maturity".

i suppose the best definition would be: to be able to listen to others and accept them, without having to believe in what they believe.

what else...

too much shielding can cause a gap to close up forever. but it also causes much pain, and whatever is will forever be.

hrmm... what else... gathered thoughts...

how would you react if you learned you were one of God's angels, on the note that there are only a few such angel-humans, and suddenly you're one of them?
(angel-humans: in my vocab, these are angels, with all the power and wisdom of an angel, but in the body of a human being. obvious enough?)

else else... if else...

oh. there are people worse than me. lolz.

next concept... hmm...

there are things that just can't be expressed with words, like the feeling of... well i said they can't be expressed with words. what the hell XD

questions questions.

is it stupidity to offer your life as substitute for another person's? or is it heroism?

2009-10-24T02:34:00.000+08:00

USER LOSER

2009-10-20T21:00:00.000+08:00

too much favors :/

2009-10-14T23:47:00.000+08:00

you have got to have one of the most intriguing, confusing, memorable, crazy, undecipherable, rebellious, irresponsible, ballistic, feeble, regrettable, wasted footprint in my life. and i'm definitely not gonna forget that. ever.

what you're doing, i think you're trying to follow my ways.

i want to be angry at you but i can't, because i know that i'm angry out of my own folly.

i wish memory can be erased in a snap. yeah i know what you're probably thinking. haha. (that's if you ever read this post)

i can wait, if that's what you want and if i see that there's something to wait for. i just wish there was. i tried, but you're very much like a little kid. i wish you'd become more adult with your thinking. or maybe you are, but if you are, then i don't know why you did that mistake.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE CONTROLLING MY LIFE. if that is possible.

please help yourself. i said i'm willing to sacrifice. i always am willing. i'm always wanting to help others before me, because i know i'm not worth even a cent to anyone, and others are priceless as compared to me. so i wish to give myself a bit of worth, even temporarily, even if it makes me seem like i'm leading my life on wrong intentions. as long as it helps, i will help. you can use my life as your cre-.. no. not credit card. you have to pay if it was. you can use my life as your emergency exit, even for one time use, as long as i can prove my worth. no strings attached, no payment needed. free for all.

...i just don't see my life's worth. do you understand?

that's why i keep repeating that as much as possible, i don't want to become a hindrance to your life. i don't like that i'm the cause of your one-track mind. i don't want to make you wear those things that horses wear on their eyes. i will keep pushing you away because i think that's best for you. if you come back with an open mind, done with taking in all the consequences that could happen and the effects of your actions and the people who could get involved, then maybe i will accept you wholeheartedly, because i know that you are fully aware of everything and not just pinpointing your eyes on a section of the whole truth. i'm going to give you the sun, if that's all the light you need to see everything, and take that stupid little flashlight from your hands.

i have got to be the most bullheaded person in the world.

2009-10-12T23:01:00.000+08:00

i made a wrong decision. now i'm paying for it. haha. bastard me. so stupid. it was a no brainer situation, and it found the right person to test: someone at its level of intelligence.

GODDAMNITTTT.

*right decision to remove this from FB.

should have done as i did with the other person. now i've affected another. f*ck. i wish i had no feelings.

2009-10-12T21:54:00.000+08:00

yeah. i don't have brains. thanks for mentioning that.

2009-10-12T20:21:00.000+08:00

had you crying again. caught you unguarded.

2009-10-12T02:09:00.000+08:00

does love really exist?

it just came to me that when a person is normal, s/he experiences "love" when s/he feels happy around someone, and would probably like to keep that someone to her/himself to the end of her/his life, because that someone makes her/himself happy. and when that someone is gone, the person is sad.

but there are people who are not normal, and have totally no emotions about anything. they're labeled as having "anxiety". what is this state then? does it also erase love? i suppose it doesn't. and the sufferer would probably still confide his/her experience to someone s/he is close to or comfortable with. and when that someone is gone, s/he will also feel sad.

so is that also called love? how do you quantify love? when does it start and where does it end? how do you choose when there are two people you share this feeling with (doesn't it also end to who has better futures/more possessions?) ?

so, how does love exist? might it just be a sort of comfort zone?

2009-10-12T02:01:00.000+08:00

giving it all away?
too scared of the consequences.

helping is a different issue.

not ready yet. and maybe never.

when can someone understand that a person's decision is essential to the person's life? no matter how small it may be, it might still be a crucial turn, one that could help the person jump that big crevice of insecurity, uncertainty or unwanted action.

i'm getting quite tired of having to cut my thoughts in half as to the real intentions of the neon remote control. and i don't want anyone interfering with my life just because they wish to be close. i don't give permission on grounds of who you are, but on how i see you to be.

and it just so happens that my brain can magnify concepts taken from my observation. if the glass points to you, let's see how the dice speaks. so far, it's been pointing at you and the sun's been helping me into toasting you to a char.

i have my own reasons for not wanting to be yours. i cannot put words to them. i rely on my instinct very much (and personal appearance has an effect, sad to say; how worldly of me) and you don't stand out just as much as the others did. but the others failed, or more like i failed on them. i'm as maria clara as women can get, and i'm happy enough to have company and nothing more. i don't know if you will be, but you're definitely not yet the first.

i guess i took a piece of his image with me. and i think it's ok. but the experience has blotted my brain, and nothing can cleanse it.

2009-10-07T01:44:00.000+08:00

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

why the hell am i sorry

i feel bad for what i did
i feel like im tricking someone
like im being a con-artist
and trying to be helpful but not in that situation is an insult to injury
am i obliged to be perfect and supportive? because i don't think i can do that for long. i need that myself. can someone be my pillow/diary/handkerchief/lamp post/pet?
i'm being so selfish again T_T

2009-10-07T01:28:00.000+08:00

sorry for going with your whims and not being able to support my decision. and sorry for not being honest with you.

i thought it was help. apparently it wasn't.

2009-10-02T02:05:00.000+08:00

alam ko na kung ano kelangan mo. kelangan mo ng kausap at taga-payo. siguro kelangan mo rin ng kaibigan na pwedeng pagsabihan ng lahat ng bagay na naiisip mo. kelangan mo ng tao na makikinig at magkekwento. gusto mo may natututunan ka sa taong yun. para kang bata na naghahanap ng magulang. kelangan mo ng guidance, yung taong tutulong sayong tawirin ang buhay at ikukulong ka kung kelangan kang ikulong. gusto mo may taong mag-aalaga sayo o mag-aalala sayo. palakaibigan ka pero pili lang siguro yung napagsasabihan mo talaga ng mga isyu mo sa buhay.

gusto mo din, yung taong yun, tanggap ka kung sino ka. dapat marunong syang mag-isip para sa sarili nya, para sayo, at para sa inyong dalawa. dapat kaya nyang makisabay sayo at meron syang maipiprisintang bagong mundo sayo, kasi naghahanap ka rin ng mga bagong bagay na matututunan. gusto mo yung taong yun bukas ang pag-iisip, iba ang paniniwala at iba ang nalalaman. kaparehas mo pero kakaiba din. di kelangang matalino, basta maalam sa buhay. yung papayag syang utusan mo, pero payag ka ring utusan nya. gusto mo, kung pwede, lahat ng bagay maranasan nyo ng sabay, o kahit hindi sabay, basta maranasan man lang.

gusto mo malalim ang pang-unawa ng taong yun kasi pakiramdam mo mas malalim ang katauhan mo kumpara sa iba. bukas naman ang libro ng buhay mo sa kahit kanino, pero mas may mababasa yung taong yun, dahil pinapabasa mo at dahil marunong syang bumasa. hindi mo kasundo pag hindi marunong sumabay sa alon mo. hindi ka takot na mas magaling sya sayo, bagkus sya ang magiging ambisyon na gugustuhin mong abutin.

ang dapat sayo ay isang taong magsisilbing ilaw sa dilim na nilalakaran mo. o mapa para sa pupuntahan mo. kelangan mo ng direksyon sa buhay. marami kang alam pero di mo magamit kasi takot ka. pag nagkamali, nade-depress. idadaan mo ang mga bagay bagay sa tawanan hanggang sa di mo na kayang kimkimin, saka ka magpaparaya ng lungkot o galit. kaya kelangan mo ng kausap at karamay, para hindi maipon yung sama ng loob.

buhos kung buhos pag nagbibigay ka, pero naghahanap ka rin ng taong ganoon ang trato sayo.

...sino kaya yun...

2009-09-21T18:10:00.000+08:00

i think i hurt someone too much.

2009-09-10T17:50:00.000+08:00

sawa. pagod. hanap.

tao.

linlang. loko.

alaala. pangako. palya.

lubog.

asam?

hintay.

layo. ligaw. labis. lugmok.

hintay.

life by chances

2009-09-06T03:41:00.000+08:00

which do you choose,
that which makes you happy but is wrong?
or that which is right but makes u sad?

when is sacrifice really a sacrifice, and not an indication of stupidity?

how do you define reality in your own terms and based on your life?

what is more important: love or morality?

why will you fight for something that you're not even sure is worth it?

why will you ask for something that you know you'll sadly have to let go anyway?

how monumental is it that it cannot be considered as bound by limits?

is there really more to this consciousness or are we just trying to make things look valuable?

to sum it up:

what and why do you live for?

2009-09-04T02:25:00.000+08:00

I. FEEL. BAD.

darnit.

like i'm about to asplode. f*ck i don't even feel like writing it cute.

again.

like i'm about to explode.

i have to TALK to someone.

i have to hear them say that i'm FAULTLESS and what i did was RIGHT.

i have to see the result of my being HARSH.

and it has to be a GOOD result.

or else, too much effort will go to waste.

and i'll probably hurt myself again.

why does my ability to dream the future always fail me in cases like these??

SUX LIKE A LEECH. BIG TIME.

I HATE YOUUUUU. because i have to leave you. left a dratted hole in my heart.

now, to another plug... if there ever is one. hope it's sturdy.

2009-09-03T01:28:00.000+08:00

i shouldn't be so affected after all.

normal is normal. eat that dr. house.

2009-09-03T00:47:00.000+08:00

i did what i thought was right, and yet it was hurtful.

it was hurtful to lose a close friend. more so because i don't know if the path i pointed him to is the right path.

i don't know if my intentions reached his radar right. it sounds like they didn't.

*****

no one to share with.
keep your problems to yourself.
keep the skeletons in your closet.
do not make them wake up. the only sound you can make is sobbing.
the only solution to your problem is to keep the silence. if possible, keep it forever.
because i am a prisoner in my own brain.